Coping with the Pain of Secondary Infertility

Infertility is devastating. The pain of primary infertility is fairly easy to understand - most people are sympathetic towards childless couples who are trying to get pregnant. But there is another kind of infertility that is often misunderstood. It's called secondary infertility. It's when you have been blessed with one or more children, but struggle to conceive again. Secondary infertility is a strange place to be - you are not accepted by those dealing with primary infertility because you've achieved the dream they have yet to realize, nor do you fit in with "fertile myrtles" who pop out a baby every time their husbands look at them.

People tend to be less sympathetic to those dealing with secondary infertility because they don't understand why you can't "just be happy" with the children you have. People who don't know you are struggling assume you don't have more than one or two children because you don't want more. You are likely to receive comments like, "When are you having more?" and "Your child needs a sibling, why don't you have another baby?" Comments like these can make you feel so guilty; you want to be able to be content with the children you already have, but you so desperately want to have more. Also people don't seem to understand how you can have trouble getting pregnant if you've already been pregnant and had children before.

How can you deal with the pain that secondary infertility causes? Joining a local infertility support might be a good place to start, but it might be a good idea to find out if there are other women there who are dealing with secondary infertility. If not, you may find yourself "shunned" by the other women because, as mentioned before, those dealing with primary infertility think you don't "get it" anymore since you already have a child. If you don't know other moms dealing with secondary infertility, try finding or starting your own local support group for moms dealing with infertility. Often, just talking with other women who understand can help when you're hurting. You can also look on the Internet for support groups. www.hannahsprayer.org is a Christian website for women dealing with all types of infertility.

Finding a good counselor can really help you work through your emotions. When I experienced my second miscarriage after my son was born, I was filled with so many emotions. It seemed as though people thought that because I had a beautiful son, I shouldn't be so upset about losing our new baby. Not only that, but other people I knew were pregnant at the same time I was, but now they were all happily planning for their babies and I was grieving the loss of mine. It got to the point where I wasn't able to cope anymore. Just getting out of bed was a struggle. I knew that I needed help - something that was hard for me to admit. I felt silly going to my first counseling session, but how amazing when I was finally able to talk about my struggles with someone who just sat and listened.

Also, talk with your husband about what you're going through. One of the biggest complaints that women dealing with infertility have is that their husbands don't seem to understand what they are going through. He may want another child as much as you, but thoughts of having more don't consume him they way they do you. Ask him to come with you to counseling and perhaps he will get a better understanding of what you're going through.

Count your blessings. It may seem completely cliché, but it does help. It's easy to get caught up in the negatives of having an only child - or two or three - when you want more. Try listing the positives of having an only child, and there are positives. Some are superficial, like the fact that one child is less expensive than two. Others go a little deeper, like being able to devote all your attention to your one child so that they will feel completely loved. They will never wonder if you had a favorite child because they are your favorite child. It may seem somewhat silly to do this, but if you work at it, you might find yourself actually being glad, if only for a moment, that you don't have more kids.

At some point, most women dealing with secondary infertility will get pregnant again. But since there are no guarantees, perhaps one of the best ways to experience some measure of healing is to spend as much quality time as you can with the children you do have. I'll never regret the times I let my son take his nap on me, or how much I held him when people told me I should put him down. I knew I had no guarantees that I would ever hold another child, so I doted on the one I was blessed with. Having no regrets about how you loved your children is, to me, the best way to deal with secondary infertility.