Coping with a Parent with Dementia

It is incredibly difficult to watch your parents age, especially when they begin to have health issues. Physical problems are, of course, quite common among senior citizens-many suffer from various forms of arthritis or other conditions that cause some degree of daily pain, for example. It is also not uncommon for seniors to develop other debilitating diseases as they age, such as Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis. As bad as these types of medical problems are, though, there is something that can be worse to watch a parent have to deal with-dementia.

I can say this with complete certainty because, while both of my parents have various physical ailments and conditions, it is my father's dementia that is the most difficult for me to deal with. It may not be physically painful like my mother's spinal stenosis, and it may not cause him to have trouble in walking as his gout often does, but it is very difficult nonetheless. My father's dementia is harder on all of us (including him) than any physical problem probably could be...it has been like watching his mind slowly go away.

So, how do we deal with this issue? First of all, my father has been put on two medications that are supposed to help with his memory loss. Both of these medications (Aricept and Namenda) are ones that are used to treat Alzheimer disease sufferers. My father has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, but there are really no other medication choices-and, chances are, he might eventually end up with an Alzheimer's diagnosis. Luckily, the dementia in my father's case has not progressed so significantly that we need to consider any other drastic measures (like sending him to a nursing home or care center), but we have still had to make a lot of changes in day-to-day life.

My father does realize he has dementia, though he doesn't talk about it. None of us talk about it with him, actually, other than when we are at the doctor's office or when we are discussing his medication. Because he doesn't speak about it, we can't be sure of how he feels about it-but, based upon how he acts at times, we are all fairly certain that he feels some degree of guilt about his condition. He likely feels bad that he cannot be of more help to my mother and to the family. There are many things that he used to do around the house that he simply cannot do anymore, and this fact doesn't escape him.

What exactly can't he do? Well, his fearfulness prevents him from making a lot of decisions-he is afraid that he will forget something important and do the wrong thing, perhaps. So, that means that he is unable to assist in the bill-paying, for one thing, because he cannot recall which bills are still in need of payment at any given time. And, he is not able to make phone calls on behalf of the household-such as for a repair problem-because he does not have the confidence to speak with strangers like that anymore. His dementia has forced all of these tasks onto my mother. Normally she doesn't mind, but she has had some trouble getting their car repaired, whereas before my father had the problem, he could have had it taken care of rather promptly.

We all strive to make sure that my father still feels useful, though. He wants to do things around the house and for other people-as long as it is on his own terms and as long as he is doing tasks he is comfortable doing. So, he has taken over some of the daily household cleaning duties, such as vacuuming, doing the dishes, and dusting. My father can also run simple errands, such as filling up the gas tank.

That last bit might have surprised you-perhaps you thought he couldn't leave the house on his own? Actually, it sometimes surprises me that he still enjoys running errands along...I would have thought that this type of activity would have instilled fear in him just as the phone calls do. But, as long as my mother writes him a detailed note telling him exactly what he needs to do (for example, she might tell him to go to a specific store and purchase a bag of apples and a loaf of bread, paying with cash), he is fine. Since he is so forgetful, the note is a must.

Another change we have made to deal with his forgetfulness is to put up labels and signs. My mother labeled each of their closet doors, as well as each of their kitchen cabinets, so that my father would have an easier time finding things. They have a sign hanging near the phone with important phone numbers on it as well.

Because of his forgetfulness, my father often repeats himself. He will sometimes tell the same story to one of us twice in the same day, or he might ask me a question on the phone and then ask me the same question later on, not remembering that he had already asked. We all try to never tell him that he has already said that, we just try to respond appropriately to the conversation. This is most difficult for my children (his grandkids), ages 6 and 4-they really don't understand why Grandpa does this.

One thing that we have all noticed about my father's dementia is that it has caused him to act childlike in some ways. If he gets upset about something, he is likely to go to his bedroom and cry-something he absolutely never did before. And, he can be quite possessive about items given to him, just like a child would be. But, it is incredibly important for us to always remember that he is not a child. We have to respect that he is an adult and treat him as such. My sister and I have to remember that he is our father and not act patronizing or demean him in any way. Sometimes this can be difficult, sometimes it can be hard not to want to yell at him or get upset with him when he does something wrong (such as when he repeatedly deletes important programs from their computer), but we have all had to train ourselves to swallow those feelings.

Something that is really important for anyone with dementia is to try to keep to a routine. My father seems to find comfort in doing the same things at the same times each day-and when his schedule is disrupted for any reason (whether it is because of a doctor's appointment or because of a trip to the store or because of anything else), that is when he has more anxiety. I suppose this is another way in which he is childlike.

We have been told that we should encourage my father to do mental exercises (such as crossword puzzles or playing solitaire) in order to try to boost his mental acuity. One doctor told us that the brain is just like any other muscle, and if it isn't used, it kind of withers away. My father does try to get on the internet each day and do some reading on the news websites, which is good for him, and he does enjoy solitaire now and then, but he usually doesn't want to do anything else. He doesn't have much interest in the puzzle books we have gotten him. It is kind of sad to see this disinterest in these types of things, because he used to be so sharp-witted, so well-read, and such an accomplished card player (Euchre and Liverpool Rummy were his favorites).

Dementia is such a gradual disease, which, I suppose, is a good thing. As hard as it is to watch a parent slowly fade away, I think it would be much more difficult to have a parent lose his mental abilities abruptly, without warning. We take his dementia day by day, just trying to care for him and love him and help him as best we can. We are lucky in that we still get to catch glimpses of the way my father used to be once in awhile, and that's really all I can ask for.