Coping when Your Sibling Has a Mental Illness

Being the sibling of a person with a mental illness isn't easy. The earlier a mental illness manifests itself in a person, the more of an impact this makes on a person's family. The results can be catastrophic if not handled properly. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, the siblings of the mentally ill person are "lost" in the shuffle, and their needs aren't met in an adequate manner.

This isn't to place blame on the parents- although it's very difficult to focus on everything and every one if you've got a child with mental illness, naturally a parent will focus on his or her needs more often. Too often, parents aren't aware that there are conflicting emotions and issues that the child who doesn't have a mental illness is struggling to deal with. This conflict inside is a direct result of having a close family member with mental illness.

It can be very difficult for a sibling of someone with a mental illness to be able to find their own identity, to be able to "separate" themselves emotionally from the turmoil in their family, they may question whether they too, are mentally ill, or "abnormal." Siblings of those with mental illness may strive too hard for "perfection", so as not to stress out their parents or other family members further.

Then there is the fact that siblings of mentally ill people also have to find a way to deal with the actual symptoms of their sibling's mental illness. If the mentally ill sibling is unable to care for his or her self, then there is the likelihood that the other sibling will become the caregiver to their sibling. This can make make any relationships in adulthood even more difficult, and the sibling who is in the caregiver role can become "burnt out" very quickly.

There are several things that the sibling of a mentally ill person can do to help him cope with his sibling's mental illness.

• Understand that it's not anyone's fault that your sibling has a mental illness. Mental illness isn't something that you can "cure", and blaming yourself or other family members is counter-productive to coping in a healthy manner.
• Make sure you understand your sibling's mental illness. It makes it much easier to cope with when you actually know what's going on with your loved one. Talk to health professionals, read books about the mental illness, and even visit support groups for family members of the mentally ill.
• Find ways to accept your sibling who has a mental illness, and find ways to communicate with him/her in a positive manner. Don't take any symptoms of his/her mental illness personally, and try to maintain a gentle and reassuring manner with him/her. It's important that they know you still love them and are still there for them.
• Understand that if you are feeling overly resentful of your sibling or are finding yourself easily angered by him/her, then you are attempting to take on too much responsibility for him/her. It's important to communicate with them, and other family members, friends and caregivers- if you are feeling over-whelmed or doing too much, it's important to step back and take a "breather."
• Don't be ashamed of your mentally ill sibling. You will quickly find that, while there are many out there who will attempt to shame you or act in a rude manner (out of their own fear and ignorance!), there are just as many out there with a sense of compassion and understanding- or at least the willingness to understand and accept.
• Realize that you are not responsible for your sibling or his/her mental illness. It is very important that you live your "own life", and take care of yourself first. There is truth in the old saying that "You can't take care of anyone else, unless you can first take care of yourself." Make sure, regardless of circumstances, that you do not always put your sibling's needs first, and make sure to communicate your needs to other family members or other support systems.
• Make sure that you are willing to easily forgive your sibling or admit to him/her when you are wrong. He/she needs to know that you still care, that you are still there for them. It's true, you're going to spend more time apologizing and forgiving than you would dealing with a "normal" person, but it's important that you learn to accept your sibling and he/she knows they are accepted and loved.
• Don't hold your sibling to impossibly high standards that he/she cannot achieve due to mental illness. It's unfair to expect that he/she will be able to reach those standards, and will only succeed in frustrating you both. Understand that your sibling will always take a different approach to daily living, relationships, etc. than you do.
• Be your mentally ill sibling's friend. Help him/her to go through and find the joy in each day, help them take pleasure in simple things, and help them celebrate even the smallest of stepping stones. You'll find, in doing so, that your appreciation for him/her, and even life in general, will grow.
• Realize that any emotions you feel are "normal," and that you are in control and responsible for your emotions- not your sibling or other family members. Take the time to deal with your feelings, and to identify them. The first step to dealing with feelings is to identify them.

When you have a sibling with mental illness, open and honest communication with your family is a must. Just remember that anything you may be experiencing is "normal", and that you can get through it. Take it one day at a time, and use any and all support sources as needed!