Coping with Sibling Rivalry Among Toddlers

The toddler stage is a time when young children are trying to make sense of the world around them. Often, it's a stage full of emotion and frustration, during which sibling rivalry can rear its ugly head. Though parents are usually quick to declare they treat their children the equally, that's impossible since they're different people with different needs and personalities. Sibling rivalry is bound to appear, but it's perfectly normal. Here are a few strategies for coping with toddler sibling rivalry.

The first and best way to address the issue is by discovering the problem's root. Sure, you can tackle individual fights and outbursts as they happen, but that'll just be a band-aid. You must find out why your child perceives the other as a threat. Do you tend to cave into the other child's demands more readily? Do you place more responsibility on one child? Does the one child appear to get more presents or attention than the other? Remember, even things like medication or visits to the doctor can be perceived as special treatment in a toddler's eyes.

Once you've figured out why your children may be acting this way, talk to them to let them know you're taking the issue seriously. Ask them lovingly for suggestions to fix the situation.

Most importantly, explain yourself. Many parents never explain their side either because they want to believe they're treating their children equally and, therefore, aren't at fault, or they don't think the toddler will understand if it's explained; but instead of pretending there isn't a problem or underestimating your child's capability to grasp, be open and tell them why there may be some inequality.

An older child should know that their little sibling's brain is younger, so he requires more attention. It's not that you don't love the eldest; on the contrary, you trust him to handle himself better because he's more responsible at this point. That's why you're not always doting over him; he's too big for that.

Likewise, a younger child should understand that he doesn't have as many freedoms as his older sibling because the older sibling has had more practice. While it won't be like this forever, the fact of the matter is that he'll have to grow a bit before he can do some of these things. If he got hurt during an attempt at something he was still too young to do, it would sadden the entire family.

Sometimes it's a gender issue; a sister may perceive her brother's toys or clothes as better than hers, or vice versa. In this case, you should explain that different does not equal better, but it's a fact of life that girls and boys are going to have different things occasionally. Remind your child of the good things he or she does have. Sometimes they can be forgotten in the jealously.

Occasionally, parents aren't the cause of their children's rivalry. Unequal treatment on the part of others like grandparents, extended family, baby sitters and teachers may be to blame. In this case, you need to discuss the matter with these people in a loving, non-accusatory way. They love both/all of the children (or they should; if not, you have bigger problems), so they will probably want to be informed of this anyway and have the opportunity to strengthen their relationship with the child that feels left out.

Besides talking, you must also take steps to fix the rivalry. First, assure your children that, while you love them and understand where they're coming from, destructive behavior will not be tolerated. They are not to use your sympathy toward their issue as an excuse for misbehavior. Clearly tell your toddler that there will still be consequences.

Next, decide on a plan to alleviate the jealously. If you're child feels like she's not getting enough attention, set aside some special time to hang out with her. If your younger child wants a bit more freedom, reevaluate his skills; he may surprise you. For a gender-related issue, if your child asks for a toy that's traditionally thought of as something for the other gender, indulge them. They'll likely learn that those toys get boring, too, and while they look different, they're not any better.

Most importantly, don't think of this behavior as a sign that you're children don't love each other or won't have a good relationship in the future. This is just a confusing time for them. They're still trying to understand themselves as individuals, so grasping where they fit in the family can be tough. Noticing inequalities and speaking up is just a normal part of the growing and learning process.