Corporate Vs. Corporeal Citizens

The Supreme Court recently declared that corporations and labor unions are not merely 'legal entities' unto themselves, as has been the case for over 120 years, but are actually full-fledged citizens, entitled to the full protection of the First Amendment.

That's great. In fact, I, for one, am looking eagerly forward to what else corporations will do with their new elevation to 'equality' with you, me, and Joe the Plumber. Will they start exercising their Second Amendment rights as well, and start carrying firearms? Will they file anti-discrimination lawsuits against municipalities that oppressively and mercilessly force them into concentration camp-like "commercial zones"? Will they demand the right to vote? Imagine AIG trying to fit its "too big to fail" arse into a voting booth!

Will they try to run for election themselves? (If Target wins the Presidency, will its logo on the White House encourage terrorists?)

But we can't really discuss rights without also talking about responsibilities. I can't begin to describe the exultation I feel at the prospect of Goldman Sachs having to sign up for the draft. I'm thrilled that Chrysler will no doubt soon file an alimony claim against Daimler, because then we all can stop paying for its well being. And I am ecstatic that the next Enron will be able to stand trial itself, instead of sending mere executives to take the fall on its behalf.

When do you suppose the first corporation will be executed for murder? My money's on a health insurance company: a claim denial that directly results in a person's death is itself a 'cause of death', and a premeditated one at that.

Of course, a conviction is rather unlikely, no matter how strong the evidence may be. First of all, every corporation has a potential defense in blaming its employees for wrongdoing carried out in its name. More importantly, remember that whole "jury of one's peers" bit? Who do you think would be on the jury of the Blackwater rape trial, or the Wells Fargo fraud and embezzlement hearings, or the Halliburton extortion and conspiracy case?

I should expect the only "citizens" who could possibly guarantee any of these defendants the 'fair trial' they are promised would be other corporations. So even though there's a good chance these criminal companies and their ilk might escape justice, it would still be fun to watch GM, Chase, and Bank of America - all of whom are already being paid by the government anyway - shuffle their logos into court to do their civic duty. They are obliged, after all, as legal "citizens".

What do you think? Post your ideas for how corporations will exercise the rights and/or responsibilities that come along with their newfound "citizenship".