Costa Rica -- a Man's Dream Come True!

Costa Rica! Great marlin fishing; gorgeous scenery; active volcanoes; rain forest canopy tours; reasonable cost of living. Yada, yada, yada. You want to learn more, check out the Internet or ask a travel agent. Let's face it, what you really want to know about are the girls! And particularly about the working girls.

Probably the best way to describe Costa Rican women, who are called Ticas, is that every gringo I've met wanted to move there after his first visit. And many have. All the women, not just hookers, dress provocatively; tight slacks, short skirts, revealing tops, fuck-me heels. From shop girls to executives. The uniforms, get this, for the women customer service officers at one business I frequent include sheer blouses unbuttoned several inches into their bust lines and thigh-high miniskirts. And this is A BANK! Most of the women seem to have astonishingly large breasts, and the ones who don't make the most of what they do have with push-up bras and plunging necklines. Remember, this is a pretty poor country. When you see gigantic hooters, the chances are very good they weren't purchased!

There is such a large ex-patriot community in the country, it has its own English-print newspaper, the Tico Times which serves the numerous Americans, Canadians and other English speakers who have retired or are working in Costa Rica. I've also met numerous idiots who move on "pussy" impulse after a divorce or mid-life crisis only to find that plentiful sex is not a panacea to make up for the loss of American conveniences. So first warning: don't let your little head make any decisions your big head can't live with.

There are a couple of other caveats. San Jose is a dirty, noisy, second-world capital, but if you're going there for action, stay in Gringo Gulch at either the Del Rey, the Presidente, the Balmoral or the new Sleep Inn, all within three blocks of each other and five casinos in downtown San Jose. The burbs, like Escazu, are a little nicer; the airport area casinos more elaborate. There just aren't enough chicks. And you'll be living in cabs.

Also, you don't need any help from cabdrivers, bellhops and especially not from ex-pat hustlers to procure women for you for a fat propina (tip) or buying expensive drinks in strip clubs for the ex-pats who "generously" offered to show you there in order for you to get laid. It just ain't that difficult. However, if you do go to a strip club expect to pay a hefty fee to the club to buy-out a girl early and pay bigger bucks for the girls. Frankly, you can do as well for less at other places. Google "Costa Rica Sex" for several excellent and comprehensive Web sites.

Needless to say avoid the street peddlers -- the Rolexes and Cuban cigars are not real, guys! -- and deserted streets and parks at night. (And watch where you're walking. Sometimes it's quite difficult considering the alluring sights strutting by, but the sidewalks, curb cuts and storm drains are treacherous on ankles.) Keep your cash safe, in your shoes or Jockeys, with only enough to cover drinks, etc. without looking like a fool reaching into your drawers at the bar. That's not to say it's unsafe. It's not Tijuana or Jamaica, but there are pickpockets and some muggers. The pickpockets work in teams of two or three, often with a Tica -- small hands -- and blockers to distract you. Keep your hands in your pockets, and if you feel something, swing first and apologize later.

Another regular scam are the transvestites working the area around the Holiday Inn; some of whom are pretty hot looking. They come onto you by engaging in conversation and grabbing your cock while their other hand is rummaging through your pocket. In ten years and 14 trips, my friend Larry and I have had a couple of close calls but, knock wood, no damages.

And here's the big one. DON'T MESS WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS! Don't even think about messing with underage girls. You get caught, you go to jail...forever!

Okay, now that you're all Kevlared up, on to the girls! First off, prostitution is legal but procuring is not. That means, for the most part, you're dealing direct; no gangsta pimps, agency fees, anonymous rip-offs. The girls are supposed to be registered by the government which requires regular physicals and no police records, but then I've never seen a cop bother checking. Many of the girls are pros, i.e. working fulltime in the sex trade, but the majority have other jobs, are taking care of ailing parents or bus in from the countryside for the weekend to earn extra cash. Ninety-nine percent have two-three bambinos and have never been married. They work the gringo bars because Ticos can't afford their prices.

Ground Zero is the Blue Marlin Bar in the Hotel Del Rey. At night, literally hundreds of gorgeous (8s, 9s & 10s) 18-35 year-old Ticas, Nicas (Nicaraguans), Panamanians, Dominicans, Columbians and other Latinos flood the bar and adjacent casino and restaurant. But you don't have to wait for evening; anywhere from 20-50 girls are always on the premises. The phrases "candy store" and "adult Disney World" are regularly overheard. First-timers are awe struck; mouths agape, necks craning. Larry's and my affectionate term for the place, instead of the Blue Marlin, is the Pink Snapper. Two other bars, Key Largo (late night) and New York (quieter, older chicks) are nearby.

Here's another thing, the girls are not limited to pick-up bars. I've met women in restaurants, in casinos, strolling in parks, and working as bartenders in cocktail lounges that I've bedded for money. If they show any interest, make an offer. It's not like here where you'll get slapped. They take it as a compliment, giggle and just walk away if they're not interested. Many are.

Obviously prices vary all over the board. But the general rule is the prettier, more sophisticated, lighter skinned, English-speaking girls will get from $70-$100 for approximately an hour. Add $50 for todo noche (all night), and they will always ask for an extra five bucks for cab fare when they leave. Here's the way it works. The girls at the Del Rey have their current IDs checked on entering the bar. That keeps out minors. They also must show ID when you bring them back to your hotel. This helps to protect you from theft or even physical harm. (Some hotels charge $10-$15 for the visit whether overnight or not.)

A number of places like the Ideam Bar, a $2 cab fare from the Gulch, will have 20-30 girls, mostly young (18-23), non-English speaking, non-Ticas who will accommodate you on the premises for $25-$40 plus $10 for the room. Drinks are cheap, the girls are friendly, and an English-speaking manager or bartender can help you close the deal. There are also plenty of "massage" parlors. Club Havana, the old Zona Blue, is one of the classiest and closest to the Gulch. It's clean and reasonable with attractive attendants.

Without a doubt someone will tell you I'm full of crap and that he gets 10s todo noche all the time for $30. We've all gotten lucky. A few years ago I met a Columbian new to Costa Rica who spoke good English, looked exactly like Suzanne Summers and wanted only $25 for the night. I had to ask her three times because I couldn't believe my ears. But believe me you usually get what you pay for, and I've gotten to a stage in life when I no longer accept that old adage there's no such thing as a bad blowjob. When I find what I like, I buy. But obviously, it's your call. Spend your time haggling or getting laid.

To give you a general idea of the cost, I recently returned from an eight-day trip. Not counting girls and blackjack, I spent about $1800 on airfare, hotel, food, booze and incidentals. Take cash with you. Cashing travelers checks is a PITA. Also, be sure the bills are not torn or too crumpled; the desk clerks, restaurants and casinos won't take them. Best to pay the girls in U.S. and convert to colones for food, drink and gambling. A little basic Spanish is always welcomed by locals, but most tourist spots are staffed by bilingual speakers.

Finally, hooking is definitely different in Costa Rica than in the U.S. where the sex workers are all pros. Sure you'll run across a few self-absorbed, calculating cunts, but for the most part, with a little experience, judgment and commonsense, you'll quickly learn to weed them out and actually find guileless, uncomplicated, unaffected girls who truly like Americans, enjoy sex and need the money. Treat them like ladies and they'll respond with the exciting GFE you're looking for.