Country Girl's Guide to the Big City

I am a country girl at heart. I work in the suburbs. I live in a small place nestled among trees and a long drive to anywhere but the local supermarket. Driving a long way to get to civilization doesn't bother me one little bit. My office is in a warehouse employing the 'salt of the earth' variety of people, and my daily work wear consists of a knee length denim skirt and a white button down. Needless to say, I am comfortable in my little world. The big city has no real draw for me (except maybe for the people watching), and until recently I avoided it as much as possible. Due to some changes in my work responsibilities, I now occasionally venture into the heart of our local big city (Portland, OR), which I know you Easterners and Hollywood folks do not consider big at all. But to this country girl, it seems like a whole new world. So, based on my newfound worldliness, here are a few tips for you big city newbies on how to blend in.

You will almost always pay to park. Read parking postings carefully. Some cities do not charge on weekends, but some do. Parking garages are all over . . . keep your eyes open and be sure to remember where you parked. It is awfully frustrating to circle the same building three times looking for the entrance only to finally figure out that you parked in the building across the street.

Big cities are famous for one-way streets. Pay careful attention, as a wrong turn in this neighborhood can be disastrous.

Watch out for pedestrians. There seems to be a strange code that exists in the big city. If the red hand is up on the cross walk, it doesn't necessarily mean that the young man in the trendy suit is going to wait. It is more likely that he will continue to talk on his cell phone, sip his coffee, walk across the street, and yell angrily at you when you slam on the breaks to avoid hitting him.

Pedestrians, too, should watch out for cars. Just because the sign says walk, does not mean that Jaguar convertible isn't going to try to squeeze into the three feet between you and the curb. Walk fast and be careful.

There are strange people in the big city. It is not polite to stare, gawk, or openly make commentary on the punk guy in 1980's jeans so tight they could be a sausage casing, or the gothic girl in black lace, or the throwback to the sixties on the corner asking for 'love not war' despite the fact that she looks about twelve.

Speaking of twelve. Do not be alarmed. Those sweet young men in three-piece suits with their hair gelled artfully are not teenagers that got lost on their way to Sunday school. Despite the fact that many of them look incredibly awkward (like they borrowed their Dad's suit), with their oversized briefcases and loud cell phone talking, these are actually highly educated businessmen, lawyers, and accountants.

Those girls on the corner with barely there skirts and fishnets may in fact be hookers. They may also drag queens. Despite your interest in a cultural experience, they will take offense if you stand there looking at them like they are the latest exhibits at the museum. It is also better to let their exact definition remain a mystery for your own sake. It would be terribly disappointing to find out that they are only twelfth grade fashion victims.

Do not say hello to anyone. While I am sure there are very nice people in the big city, it is very important to fit in. Hunch your shoulders, do not make eye-contact, scowl if you can manage it, and walk briskly to your destination. Whatever you do, do not exchange pleasantries. That would just be so unsophisticated.

Whether you have a call to make or not, it is important to have your cell phone handy. Handy is good, but up against your ear is so much better. Have a conversation with someone, or at least pretend to have a conversation with someone. Look pensive, and try to use business clichés such as 'it's a real networking opportunity' and 'well, you know, you have to earn respect in this business'.

Speaking of business clichés, if you meet someone you know or might know, be sure to say something like 'well, this is one of those days that you have to really take the bull by the horns' or if you are man to man especially in a packed elevator, you should probably use a more derogatory piece of anatomy than 'horns'. This will solidify your standing as a real man in a man's world.

One nice thing about going downtown is that all the boys seem really nice. It is a little cheesy, but things like holding the door or elevator doors and letting you go first on the escalator are quite common. What is also quite common are their responses to a polite 'thank you'. In their deepest voice, they will invariably reply with an "of course . . . a gentleman always lets a lady go first" or "that's quite alright, you really look like you needed my manly assistance". No I am not exaggerating. So, when in the big city, if you are polite to someone, always remember to draw public attention to it.

These are just a few tips to help you blend in while visiting the big city. It may seem like I see visiting the big city as a negative experience, but I don't. I look at it as a real adventure for this country girl. And best of all, I always come home with a good story to tell.