Courting the Perfect Cell Phone Plan

So, it seems to me that the search for the perfect cell phone plan or company has become the new quest for the Hoy Gail. People everywhere are running around for the cheapest plan with the best reception and superb customer service. Oh. Did I just contradict myself? I said "cell phone company" and "superb customer service" in the same sentence. I'll take twenty lashings.

I use my cell phone for business. While planning events, I can do a lot of gabbing. When I say a lot, I mean I'd put congress to shame. The phone is almost permanently glued to my ear at times. Despite people thinking entertainment industry whores, ahem - employees, sit on a cell phone for image, it's actually because it's a very demanding business that you don't necessarily leave at the office. Therefore a plan with 300 minutes isn't going to cut it for me and I don't feel like paying exorbitant amounts for more time. I've tried just about every plan out there and thought perhaps I'd found the perfect plan for my big mouth. Cricket is rushing across the United States as an option for people with shallow pockets, poor credit and big mouths, undoubtedly knocking over old women and children who get in their way. For about $45 per month, you get unlimited everything. (Except coverage).

DING DING DING. It sounds as if the perfect cell phone plan has been found! Actually, like most visions of technological utopia, it's crap. I don't know how to write that with any more elegance. It is, as the French say, Le Miert. At first, I loved Cricket. I wanted to marry cricket. We could have made beautiful little Cricklets together. I certainly spent enough time chirping with Cricket. Due to their lack of coverage and my plans to travel, I knew our time was short, but I didn't know it would come to such a disastrous and ugly end where I felt as if I'd been bent over and had unspeakable things done to me bum. It's funny how we know we'll probably end up in therapy at some point, but we never expect anything we do to be the cause of that.

I admit I'm a little possessive of my phone and get a little antsy when others get too "grabby" with it. I could be considered a little jealous. Cricket had its quirks, too, though. I quickly learned that Cricket was a high maintenance partner. Being so busy, I tend to get absentminded. One time, I set my phone on top of a parked car while I interviewed a band outside of a bar. I figured it would be safe there. I couldn't have it in my pocket, causing a big bulge on camera! Their bassist drove off with my phone still on the roof. I looked up and down the parking lot and surrounding area for it, hoping it had slid off somewhere in the vicinity. After no luck, I gave up and ordered a forty to pout out for my homie, reevaluating the importance of vanity.

I called Cricket to place an insurance claim and the process went far smoother than expected. In no time at all, I had a new phone arrive for a mere fifty dollar fee. And because they were out of my model, I got a better model phone. It was as if I just traded in a pretty pudgy partner for a partner that was only mildly pudgy. Cheerful as all get out to have a phone in hand again, I promptly went about retrieving lost numbers and putting them into the phone. It sucked that I lost some pretty important phone numbers, but I was too distracted to care. This phone had prettier background colors and options to choose from.

This newly formed relationship was doomed as well. We fell victim to the Louisville event that is the cause of many ruined relationships, vacation sex debaucheries, enough litter to drown a crowd of small children, an overcrowded jail, and many other lifelong memories. The event I speak of is of course (cue dramatic sound affects) Derby Eve. Derby Eve is known in Louisville for wild parties and never EVER goes smoothly. The town is absolutely crazy for a night. Needless to say, after inputting enough numbers to fill the memory to the brim, phone number two left me. No note, no lipstick on the mirror. It was just gone.

I replay that night over and over in my head. I don't remember saying anything offensive or inflicting abuse. I was busy filming that night, so the phone actual got a bit of a break. Perhaps it realized how good that break felt.

Either way, I found myself on the phone with Cricket once more. This time, I had a lovely shock waiting for me. Someone screwed me. I don't mean in a loving "I think you're beautiful way". I mean they screwed me hard in a "I don't have to face you ever again and I'm taking everything you own in the divorce kind of way". It wasn't a derby out of towner, either. It was someone at Cricket. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but only a little.

Someone at Cricket took it upon themselves to remove insurance from my account without my asking. So, I could not get another phone for the $50 deductible. Despite this being Cricket's fault, their attitude was pretty much like most phone companies now: "sorry about your luck. It's not our fault we suck.

I had to go to a full service cricket store to buy a refurbished phone for $70. So, not only did I have to pay more, I got a phone that could have a very shady history indeed. . Luckily, they had ONE left or I would have had to pay full price for a new phone. I got over it and forked out money for my third phone in one year. " It was my fault for losing it," my inner monologue said before continuing with some sharp expletives towards Cricket for removing my insurance.

Turns out, the phone DID have a shady history. That was my assumption when I noticed a tiny crack in the flip hinge of the phone. Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to return immediately to the store. The screen on it went black about two weeks later. I still tried to use the phone but it suddenly started vibrating and wouldn't stop. Then, it stopped. It would sporadically vibrate. It would start again and stop again. Too bad the vibrations were too sporadic to be of any real use to me. I knew I was going to have to replace it, but didn't think it would be that big of deal as they had assured me it was under warranty when they sold it to me.

I took the phone into a Cricket store where the lady stared at me with a blank look and said that the warranty wouldn't cover it because it was cracked. It would only cover defects. She informed me that I could buy another phone under the insurance plan. I let it sink in for a moment. A phone that was sold to me with a crack in it is not considered defective. I began to try to argue my point, but I deduced that the blank "I really hate my job and probably feel the same about you" look meant that I was wasting my time as she was her life.

She told me again that I could buy another phone. Again, the "it's not our fault we suck" feeling. It was as if the walls of "dealing with it" crumbled. . I realized that I could do without the co-dependent relationship and had a choice in whether or not I would "deal with it" any longer. After dealing with my bill suddenly jumping to a higher rate after a couple months, the difficulty in getting a real person on the phone, the fact that the real people I did get on the phone were incompetent, and this zombified person telling me to buy my fourth phone from them this year, I am very proud of myself.

I could have committed mass murder that day. Instead, I said "thank you" and walked out of the store and across the street to Best Buy to pursue other options. I gave up for good on the see saw relationship. No note, no lipstick on the mirror. I was just gone.

Cricket, you may be a cheap date, but you really really suck at long term relationships.