Crappy Movie Digest Vol. 5: Dreadful Movies Committing Suicide!

Once again I am given a few more minutes to write instead of watching movies because there were several movies I could not bear to even finish. These are movies I deemed not worth my time and horrible for some reason or another. On with the list and: Don't Enjoy!

The Shadow: The opening scene with Alec Baldwin as a man ruling the Opium trade in some Asian land did this one in for me right away.

Bright Lights, Big City: Michael J. Fox did this one in for me right away. Actually, he has some star qualities to him, but the first few scenes of him at a club and then at work were pointlessly drug out.

Spiral: The seems like it is supposed to be a dark sort of romance as done by a horror director. However, the lead girl is too annoying to watch and the lead guy is so weird no woman in her right mind would be tricked into going to his place. The reason killers get away with their crimes is because women trust them and they are personable. The guy in this is noticeable as a lost cause from a mile away, even if there is a twist to the end that makes this all easier to swallow doesn't matter I wasn't going to take the chance of it getting stuck in my throat.

Penny Dreadful: The second word in the title says it all. The lead girl is too creepy to watch and really she isn't supposed to be. Her phobia is a stupid premise with all things considered and the killer hitchhiker thing was worn thin before it was introduced. Overall it was less a scary movie and more of a boring, look at the creepy girl who cannot act thing.

Storm Warning: Apparently this horror film won some sort of award for special effects or something. It was so dull from the start that I didn't stick around to see them. Sure, I fast forwarded and saw one broken leg, but that was it. I would say the vibe for this one was: Wolf Creek meets Shit Creek.

The Last Time I Committed Suicide: As a writer I often like to check out movies based on other writers, or in this case a guy who inspired some writers. The lead is played by Thomas Jane of Punisher fame, and he is so over the top bad and his character obnoxious there was no way I could sit through more than 20 minutes. This movie came out in 1997, also has Keanu Reeves in it somewhere I guess.

Werewolf: The Devil's Hound: I've sat through some low budget werewolf movies, that were bad, but this one lost me in about five minutes. As soon as the poor picture quality displayed some guys putting glow in the dark headband, glasses things on their heads and calling them night vision goggles I tuned out.

Blonde and Blonder: It was funny to see Blockbuster stocked an entire shelf of this title featuring Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson as two blonds ripping off Dumb and Dumber; basically. After the long opening and predictable joke one pretty much can figure how the rest of the film is going to go: slapstick shenanigans trying too hard to be funny.

Automaton Transfusion: This zombie movie promised me fast and scary zombies. What I got was a poor quality picture with a film speed that had been tinkered with so much I could not tell if it was sped up or slowed down. Everything is fuzzy, blurry, and the people all move in a jerky fashion as if they are constantly breaking out of slow motion or they are actually being streamed over the internet and have some lag. Don't be fooled by some hype advertising this is an Indie stinker not a winner.

Grilled: A movie starring Ray Romano and Kevin James as two salesmen. I was sold on the premise, but once I actually tried to watch it I just wanted to return it under some sort of lemon warranty or clause.