Crash Course in Infant Care for the Uninitiated

So it's you, a baby, and no knowledge of what to do with said baby, huh? Maybe you're taking care of a youger cousin or agreed to babysit for some friends. And now you've realized that you have a small person depending on you to keep them alive for the next several hours. Uh oh. You probably found this article by desperately looking for "How to Not Kill the Baby". Good news, though: odds are high that no matter what you do, you will likely not kill this baby.

Getting Your Baby's Equipment to Operate Optimally
Step back and observe the baby. You may have been led to believe that the end making a lot of noise with the fluid coming out of it is the baby's rear end. My friend, I am sad to tell you that you are wrong. Babies, unlike normal people, produce fluid from every orifice. You may want to cover your house in saran wrap, but it would probably distract you from not killing the baby so I'd advise you to just give up.

Anyway, back to the baby's head. If you had your baby upside down because you thought the fluid producing end wasn't the head, then turn the baby around. Ok, good. Now, take note: very young babies (three months or so or less) cannot hold their own heads up. Yeah, I know, that's kind of like a weird human larva thing, but it's still true. So at all times please remember to support the baby's head and neck by keeping a hand or shoulder or pillow on the back of the baby's head.

If you have an older baby on your hands, you're not out of the woods yet in terms of injury potential. Keep in mind that these strange baby creatures not only don't have as much muscle control as we adults but also, well, aren't very smart yet. So while you might think, "Hey, it's not a good idea to jump off the counter or go swimming in the toilet!" the baby sees these things as prime opportunity for exploration. Keep an eye on the baby at all times, and especially protect the baby from falling. Even if a baby can sit or stand, they can't do it as well as we can, so place no faith whatsoever in their ability to remain sitting or standing on their own.

Have you ever had a puppy? You know how they go through that chewing stage where they bite your ankles till you bleed and possibly need stitches? Well, babies are the same. Except, remember: babies are a lot more like human larva than like puppies so they don't have the strength to chase you and bite your ankles. Instead, what they do is try to kill themselves. I kid. Well, sort of. Babies have an incredible knack for finding things that might choke them and then swallowing them. This is critical to keep in mind. Don't give the baby toys with parts that can fall off, and keep an eye on the things the baby puts in her mouth. Babies can be sneaky! They hide things in those tiny little hands, so it might even be a good idea to occasionally check the baby's mouth to make sure there's nothing in there she could choke on.

When the Baby Tries to Rupture your Eardrum
Babies cry. A lot. There are generally five reasons why babies cry: hunger, sleepiness, dirty diapers, pain, and fear/need of attention. It can be hard to tell exactly why your baby is crying, but it's a safe bet to start with feeding the baby. If that doesn't work, proceed through feeding, diapering, and napping until you've gotten the baby to stop crying.

Some babies will cry for apparently no reason. Keep in mind that babies, much like normal humans, get bored too. And when they do, they cry. A few things you can try are:
-Picking the baby up and walking around and showing her things
-Singing to the baby. She won't care if it's gangsta rap, I promise. Just sing something.
-Swaddling the baby. This can be difficult for the uninitiated. The principle of swaddling is that it imitates conditions in the womb. Really, it looks more like putting a baby in a straitjacket. Lay the baby down on a small blanket. Place her arms at her sides. Wrap the blanket around her till her arms are snugly against her and she can't flail them. Secure the bottom of the blanket on her legs so she can't kick them. DO NOT COVER THE BABY'S FACE!!! Hold her and rock her.
-Take the baby for a drive. Remember the carseat.
-Take the baby for a walk in her stroller.
-Give the baby a pacifier. Babies like sucking on things.

One important note: Never, ever, ever shake a crying baby. It can kill her. Do not yell or get angry, either. She is just a baby after all and is crying because she is trying to communicate with you.

Feeding The Baby
Now that you've managed to get the baby into a safe position where she is unlikely to attempt suicide, it's time to talk about feeding. You're obviously not breastfeeding her; otherwise you'd know the basics of baby care. So the parents have either left breast pumped bottles for you or left you formula. If they've left you bottles, heat them for about 20 seconds in hot water till they are slightly above room temperature.

If you've been left formula, follow the instructions on the package of how to mix the formula, then heat it. Feed the baby till she no longer wants anymore.

Whether you're feeding breast milk or formula, make sure to test the temperature of the milk on your wrist so that the baby is not burned. When you are giving the baby the bottle, tip the top of the bottle up above the baby's mouth so that the baby does not swallow air. Swallowing air causes gas, which causes screaming, which causes an unhappy you. When the baby is done eating, sit her up and lean her just slightly over your shoulder or arm. Gently pat or rub her back till she burps. She'll probably also throw up on you because babies like to throw up. Unless she throws up a lot or it is a strange color, it's nothing to worry about.

Diapering the Baby
Babies need their diapers changed at least every few hours, and if they've pooped, you will know it. If it's just pee, the diaper will start to feel mushy. Put the baby on the changing table and make sure to strap her in place so she does not roll off. Put a hand on her belly for extra safety (remember, babies like to try to kill themselves). Open up the diaper, and pray for the best. If you've got a girl on your hands, make sure to wipe front to back and not back to front. If you have a boy, he will likely pee in your face. Don't worry- baby pee prevents wrinkles. Grin it and bear it.

Put the new diaper under the baby by slightly lifting her legs while she's still laying down. The side with the two sticky pieces should be in the back. Pull the front half up between baby's legs and secure the diaper in place with the two straps. Make sure it's tight enough to prevent leaks, but not so tight that baby suffocates.

Putting the Baby to Sleep
Some babies like to drink a bottle while they fall asleep, so try this first. Rocking the baby also works. Remember, it takes babies a while to fall asleep, so have patience. Also remember that babies sleep way more than normal people so the baby you are caring for will need several naps during the day. Wait for the baby to fall asleep and then put her on her back in her crib. Sleeping on the stomach is dangerous for babies. Make sure there is nothing on the crib she could choke on or be suffocated by and then listen for crying. There will always, always be crying eventualy. Change the baby's diaper when she wakes up.

Oh no! Baby is Hurt!
If baby is screaming bloody murder and nothing works, she may be hurt. Call the parents. Let's be honest: if you're reading this guide, dealing with a sick baby is way beyond your pay grade.

If you have a real emergency like a choking baby, call 911. While waiting on hold with 911 (yes, you have to hold for 911 now), use your longest finger to gently sweep the baby's throat and attempt to free the object. Follow any directions given to you by the 911 operator and hope for the best. See? I told you not to let baby be alone with something she could try to kill herself with for even a second.

Oh No! Nothing Works! Baby is Sad!
Babies have feelings just like normal people. But babies are also a lot more like codependents than normal people. They need constant love and affection. Hold, comfort, and sing to a crying baby. Offer him nothing but affection, and keep trying the hints above to calm a crying baby till something works.

Congratulations! You have survived! And hopefully the baby has too. Now stop reading this article and make sure the baby isn't trying to leap from the balcony, poison herself, or swallow razorblades.