Crazy Conspiracist / Wannabe Comedian Seeks First Contact with Celebrity Comedians

Raleigh, NC--After three years of trying unsuccessfully to garner the attention of his favorite celebrity comedians so as to earn a golden ticket into the entertainment industry, 29-year-old amateur comedian and full-fledged conspiracist Victor Sanchez has come under the belief that there's a conspiracy afoot to prevent him from acquiring fame and success. To counter said conspiracy, Victor plans on using high-tech, SETI-like equipment he purchased off the Internet to telepathically make first contact with his favorite celebrity comedians.

"What does it mean when a really funny, talented and just outright awesome amateur comedian isn't able to get the attention of his favorite comedians, let alone make anybody, including his own mother, laugh?" Victor asked reporters while he leaned forward in his chair, tilted his head to the right and cocked his left eyebrow.

"It means that someone is so threatened by this comedian's brilliance that they're purposefully conspiring with the Zionist government to ensure that this comedian's straight-up awesome jokes are totally not recognized or appreciated by anybody but himself and, of course, his spiritual guide, Sparky."

Victor contends that this conspiracy to thwart his rise to comedic stardom is the reason why none of his favorite celebrity comedians have been receptive to his "straight-up awesome jokes." To him, this is the only feasible explanation as to why his latest batch of comedic attempts was a complete failure.

"I created Facebook pages for all of Louis C.K's farts: Bobby, Cindy, Peter, Jan, etc.; I dressed up as a horse and pretended to be Sarah Silverman's long-lost brother, Mr. Ed; and I told the neighborhood kids that Dennis Leery's family name was purposefully chosen by Jesus thousands of years ago to warn children that all the men in Leery's family like to prey on children when they get drunk on potato vodka; thus, kids should be 'leery' of them."

Despite these truly epic fails, and despite his parents, his therapist, and his one friend's insistence that he give up his dream on the basis that his comedy stinks worse than a Hispanic baby's diaper, Victor remains adamant that there's something far more sinister going on. In fact, according to Victor, the "someone" leading the charge against his career is internationally famous Jewish comedian Jon Stewart.

It is Victor's belief that "Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart" is working with the government to prevent Victor from rising to fame, so as to ensure his own career isn't put in jeopardy. That said, Victor believes he has finally found a way to circumvent their efforts.

"It's all going to happen through this here high-tech ACME 500 helmet," Victor told reporters while he pointed at his head, which was covered in what appeared to be a sheet of aluminum foil shaped like an oversized yamaka. "This sweet piece of technological pie will let me bypass Jon's comedy suppression by beaming my best jokes directly into the minds of my favorite comedians!"

According to Victor, the tinfoil hat will pick up his thoughts and transmit them to his computer, after which they'll be processed, forwarded to a DirecTV satellite dish sitting in his lawn, and then broadcast directly into the mind of whichever comedian he was thinking about at the time his thoughts were miraculously sucked out of his head by the aforementioned tinfoil hat.

"I hate to invade my favorite comedians' minds like this, but Jon Stewart and his Zionist conspirators have left me little other option," Victor said, shaking his head in dismay. "My Mother says I'm an unfunny little piece of shit, and my Mother says I should always eat my peas, but she's just another victim of Jon Stewart's evil and manipulative ways."

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Moral of the story: You can't stop me from shining, Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart! :-)

Moral of the story #2: My comedy skills still need a shitload of refinement!