Creating a Good Parent - Adult Child Relationship

Parents and their adult children alike typically strive to have a good relationship with each other. The fact that both may be educated really doesn't factor into the chances of the two getting along well, and neither does the point that they are related. Certain boundaries should be set and observed in order to facilitate the best relationship between the two.

Finances

• Parents: ask little or nothing about your adult child's financial situation. If you spend much time together, it will probably be obvious if the child is hurting for cash or is lavishly wealthy. If the situation seems dire, asking something like, "can I help with your expenses somehow?" or saying "you can come home for a while if you need to" are the closest you probably should get to addressing the issue. Anything more personal may damage your relationship.

• Adult children: don't expect your parents to take care of you financially after you are married or have entered college. If your parents are willing and able to do so, fantastic, but it isn't something you should count on. If you need more money than you currently have, decrease expenses or increase income. Most people have to work long hours at menial jobs when they first get started in the work world. You know your parents better than anyone else, so if you are at the end of your rope and know they can and will help, then ask. Be sure you are all clear about whether any assistance you receive is a gift or a loan, and if it is a loan, pay it back as soon as you can.

Romantic Relationships

• Parents: don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. Discussing sex is inappropriate with an adult child. Pressuring about finding a mate, marriage or children probably won't get you the answers you are after and can be counter-productive. Even though they are adults, children are likely to rebel against their parents to a certain extent into their twenties, so don't give them ammunition.

• Adult children: try not to let your parents unduly influence your decisions. They ask because they care and want you to be able to move on to the next stage in your life. Along the same lines, don't volunteer details that are better kept between you and your romantic partner. You can be close to your parents without sharing with them every fight and conversation you have had.

Personal Space

• Parents: when you visit your child's home, don't express disapproval of the furnishings, the housekeeping, or the place itself. If the child asks you for decorating suggestions, then by all means, jump in, but such unsolicited statements can appear to be criticisms. This is your children's chance to express their own sense of style, so look at the décor as a statement of personality, and appreciate it.

• Adult children: when you visit your parents' home, don't take advantage, no matter how comfortable you feel. For instance, don't play your music at the dinner table without asking if it's ok. Help out when you can, as well. Doing the dishes or offering to fix a meal are helpful, adult activities. If you know money is tight for your parents and your finances can handle it, take them out to dinner or buy some groceries, especially if you are staying with them for more than a few days or you bring a family with you. Having some consideration helps prevent resentment that sometimes crops up when adult children spend time at home.

Regardless of how much parents and their adult children love each other, having a good relationship can be difficult. But having some consideration for each other and reminding yourselves of how much you care can go a long way toward establishing and keeping a good relationship.