Crime busters Confidential-Getting Organized Crime to Quit It

The Underworld, Organized Crime, the Mob: for years the government has been trying to rid our country of this terrible plague on our society. Millions of dollars are spent annually in attempts to put the Mob out of business, or at least to get them to curb their dogs. Yet law enforcement agencies have had little or no effect. Why can't they crack this case? Because Organized Crime is a tightly-meshed society which is impossible to infiltrate. Police cannot expect much help from informants or deserters. The Mob is a lot like Time-Warner Books; once you join, you're in for life.

Getting someone to snitch on the Mob is very difficult, only a few cases come to mind. Getting someone to snitch on the Mob and keeping him alive is harder still, the few cases come to naught. The law does its best to keep informants alive. "To protect someone from assassination," the F.B.I told us, "we provide the informant with a new identity. This includes a new library card, a three-piece suit and a subscription to Time magazine made under their new name."

But how do the police get informants to come forth and spill their guts while keeping that phrase figurative? Chief Detective Harold Slump of the Springfield P.D. explains, "We use Want-Ads. They are an easy and inexpensive solution. We put ads in all the local papers."

A typical ad will read: "Wanted - bright, young informant to rat on the Mob. No previous experience necessary. Short hours, good pay. Call 555-8921 between 2 and 6pm." Then they simply wait by the phone. They're still waiting.

The most effective method of recruiting possible informants is to seek out a member of the Mob who has been done an injustice. This type of individual is just itching to get revenge any way he can. Unfortunately, most mobsters prefer their own methods of revenge. These methods include large amounts of wet cement, violin cases and garages in Chicago.
With coercion and a few well-placed dollars, informants can be brought forth to put an end to gangland enterprises. We looked into the famous case of Vinny "Lucky" Goombotz (so named from the time his nose fell off, falling on and killing three would-be assassins). In 1963, "Lucky" Goombotz was called before a Congressional Hearing where he told of a Mafia scheme to blackmail the entire City of New York with the threat of depleting the city's water supply. The mayor was to be contacted by the heads of the New York families, including Al "The Turtle" Saqusoni, Jimmy "The Baker" Bacagalope, Tony "Moose" Falella and John "No Funny Middle Name" Lacertosa. If the mayor didn't comply, all members of the mob would go into their bathrooms and flush at the same time. The plan fell through when it was realized that most members of the mob didn't have in-door plumbing.

With this testimony, the F.B.I. was able to revoke the mobsters' lobbying privileges and refuse them use of the CIA's washrooms for a year. The day after he gave testimony, "Lucky" Goombotz was kidnapped. He was returned the following week in a manila envelope.

So the search continues for people who are willing and able to unmask the evil doings of the Underworld and make this nation safe for good, decent folk like our readers. Or, actually, like people our readers know or live near.

These people must be brave, strong and not mind being stuffed into manila envelopes.

But what can the average citizen do to combat Organized Crime? Sure, you say, "Hey I'm a nobody, the Mob doesn't bother me. All right, just a little. Really, I don't mind. Actually, they've got me under their thumb and are bleeding me dry." Next thing you know, you're doing an imitation of a spare tire in somebody's car trunk. Here are just a few tips from our panel of experts to help you topple the Underworld:

- Don't buy cookies from Mafia Scouts who go door to door.

- If a hitman asks you for the time of day, lie. This will make him miss his murder attempt.

- Boycott pizza and hard drugs. Especially pizza made with hard drugs.

- Don't vote for politicians who have a backer named "One Finger."

- Avoid the waterfront when carrying large amounts of cash.

Granted, these are only limited suggestions in the fight against crime, but just remember, if you don't do it, who will? Not me, that's for sure, these guys mean business.