Crossroads, Part 4: Justifying My Decision

Yesterday was Christmas. I had my family over for dinner, along with my good friend Blanche. This Christmas was one I'd like to soon forget, for many reasons. It's been really hard for me to get into the spirit this year and a Christmas Eve breakup just quashed any hopes of really enjoying it.

Although I'd been downhearted going into Christmas Day dinner, I'm glad that I went through with it. Having loved ones around me and keeping busy was the perfect remedy for taking my mind off of things, but not entirely. Through wallowing in the sorrow of my breakup, I'd momentarily forgotten about the other big issue in my life: the decision, but during our after-dinner conversation, the subject came up and I suddenly found myself justifying it all over again.

I had had another real estate agent come by on Thursday to get a second opinion. He was an acquaintance of my moms and he gave me a much rosier outlook than the previous agent had. Though it was nice to hear, I wasn't completely sold. All that the first agent had told me had been too grim to discount and I've decided to do some more investigating before I make a move.

The conversation started from there and lead to the broader subject of my decision. It was Blanche who began asking the tough questions, and all eyes were on me as I tried reasoning it all out in my responses. I started with my philosophy on life:

All my life I've never been afraid to take chances, to make changes in the hopes of making my life better. I've always believed that a person who is not happy with their life should keep working to change it, to find that right mix that will allow them to find their own true bliss. Otherwise, they're just settling for what they've got and accepting it as their reality, and I think that's sad. I may never find my own true bliss, but at least I can say that I never stopped searching, never stopped trying to find it.

"Tell me your reasons for needing to do this?" Blanche interjected.

Everything I said afterwards was questioned by Blanche. He was playing devil's advocate and putting me in a defensive, sometimes contemptuous position. He asked me why I would give up a job I loved so much.

"Oh John, don't quit your job!" Mom jumped in.

I was already on the defensive. "Ma, what do you think, I'm just going to quit my job without having another one?"

Leaving my job is not one of the reasons for my decision. Yes, I don't like the fact that I have to get up so early to travel one hour every day, but I do love my job and I will stay with it as long as I need to.

"Why do you have to go to the city? Do you think you're going to save any money? You know your car insurance rates will go up sky high."

Yes, one of the reasons for my decision is the opportunity to save a little money. I've actually adjusted my options to include Brooklyn or Queens because for one, I have a new car that I don't want to get rid of, and two, rents are much cheaper there, certainly less than I pay on my mortgage. As for the car insurance, I'm sure it will rise, but I don't think it'll rise as much as what I should be saving by paying rent.

"I just don't want you to make any rash decisions. You need to think things through."

I felt like a child being given the third degree. I shot back with my own, I think reasonable, rationale. The thought first came to my mind back in August, so I've already been contemplating it for a few months. I set January as a goal to get going and that's why I've made the first steps to contact real estate agents about my house. I haven't made any decisions yet, as I still have some investigating and thinking to do. The way I see things now, I have two options:

- Stay put in my house and keep the status quo, for now, in the hopes that the market will change before I'm too old or too tired to make a move. In this scenario nothing in my life will change. I'll still be financially one disaster away from real disaster and still unhappy, or

- Try and sell my house first at the price I owe on it and hope for the best. If need be, I'd have to adjust my price downward and go into a short sale, if possible. I'd take a hit to my credit score, which would not be optimal, but it may be worth it. This will be the toughest part of my decision and I don't take it lightly.

"John, I hate to tell you this, but you're in a mid-life crisis." My mom smirked at Blanche's suggestion.

For some reason, I hate that phrase. Yes, my age does factor into how I approach this. If I wait until the market rebounds, and that could be four or five years according to the realtor, then I'll be fiftyish by the time I make this move and I'd like to do it sooner rather than later because of that. But I've made lots of life-changing decisions during my lifetime, most notably my decision to leave a fifteen-year career in banking to go back to school, and I see this as just another one of those changes that I've sought after my whole life.

I think that in some way, some of the people in my life would like to see me abandon this decision. They don't want to see me go and they want what's best for me, but we all follow our own paths in life and I cannot base what I do on the thoughts of others. I appreciate these sentiments on the part of my friends and my family. I will take what they say into consideration, but I won't allow their sentiments to skew my thought processes.

So, whoever thinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis, believe what you want. I understand that this has all the makings of one, and even though my age is playing a factor, I don't see it as a crisis of any kind. I've only lived on my own for 3 years out of 46 and I have never had the opportunity to make a move such as this before, though I did suggest it on occasion to Jay. I've never been totally comfortable on Long Island. I was born in the city and moved back there once after high school for a brief period. I love it and I want the opportunity to give it a shot. I'm just living my life as I see the need to, searching for whatever it is that makes me happy in all facets of my life. And that's what I'm going to do, crisis or not. Stay tuned...

Previous pieces in this series:

Crossroads: Striving for a Change or Settling for Status Quo

Crossroads, Part 2: The Decision

Crossroads, Part 3: First Step