Crystal was a Cat to the Very End

When Crystal was diagnosed with a spinal tumor I knew what the future held. The tumor was the size of a grape, near her right hip and a few centimeters from her spine. Although she was in no apparent pain, that would change as the tumor grew. And grow it did. It eventually grew to the size of a golf ball.

One morning she came home with what appeared to be a small laceration over the tumor. I thought that perhaps she had tried to fit through a narrow space somewhere and misjudged her width because of protruding bulge on her side. She licked the wound clean and in the process removed the fur surrounding the wound. It became obvious that what had first appeared to be a scrape was something else entirely. The tumor had grown so rapidly that it had stretched the overlaying skin to the breaking point. Within a day, a thin scab had formed over the area only to peel off the following day as the tumor rapidly grew.

This process of healing and growing and peeling continued for the next week until it became difficult for Liliana and the kids to even look at Crystal. We discussed what people euphemistically like to call "putting her to sleep". Liliana wanted to do it now. I argued that we could not take the life of a sentient being simply because it made us uncomfortable to look at it, especially a pet who had given us so much joy throughout our eight years together. She was a member of our family and unlike most cats, tolerated much ear and tail pulling and other general abuse by the children as they grew up together. If it is possible for an animal to show patience, kindness and tolerance then Crystal did just that. We loved her and I loved her more than the rest of the family. To them she was an animal, a replaceable pet. To me she was a self-aware being for whose care and protection I had been given responsibility.

When the tumor started protruding through the skin to the point where a third of it was exposed to the air, I performed a close examination and it was obvious that she was now in chronic pain. I started to wonder if perhaps Mother Nature was capable of performing an "amazing cat miracle" and somehow the tumor would just fall off, but that was just wishful thinking. The tumor was too firmly attached to the surrounding muscle.

I chose a Monday to be Crystals last day on Earth. I had the entire day free, Liliana would be working and the kids would be in school. I wanted Crystal to have a peaceful passing. The right combination of drugs would accomplish that. I spent an hour with her, as she lay in the sunshine in her favorite chair on the back porch. I talked to her and thanked her for all she had done for my family and me. I prayed for her and wished her well. At 9:30 that morning I gave her 20mg. of Atenolol, a powerful beta-blocker. When I took 10mg.of Atenolol, my heart rate went from 72 to 46. I thought this dose would be sufficient to induce sleep and then a quiet death. Just to make sure, I also gave her 30mg. of Restoril, a powerful sedative/hypnotic.

I sat next to her on the floor, petting and scratching her while I waited for the drugs to take effect. Half an hour later, the only noticeable affect was that she became amazingly hungry! She leaped out of her chair, ran over to her bowl, devoured the contents and asked for a second helping. She ate that too. As she walked back over to her chair she was staggering noticeably. Now she lay there in a much more weakened state, her body limp, her head hanging over the side of her cushioned chair and her tail wagging feebly.

As weak as she was, she would still attentively jerk her head up at a passing lizard or the rustle of leaves in the garden. She was a cat to the very end. Occasionally, she would rotate her head, indicating where she wanted to be scratched, the way all cats do.

Noon. Two and a half hours had gone by now. She had not once closed her eyes. She tried to get down from her chair to chase a lizard. She lurched and staggered like a drunk. She tried to climb into her litter box and fell over, lying on partially soiled litter. I held her steady while she urinated one last time. I carried her back to her chair and listed for her heartbeat with a stethoscope. All I could hear was purring. Now what? Please God, let it end soon!

I held her mouth open and gave her two more Restoril. Holding her jaws shut I gently stroked her throat until she had swallowed the capsules. Things were starting go wrong! After a few minutes, I saw white powder in her mouth and a partially dissolved capsule. I quickly brought over her water bowl and held it to her mouth as she drank deeply. The medicine must have tasted awful! It was time to consider a contingency plan. One way or another this had to be done before the children got home! After another hour of praying and petting, I partially covered her with a blanket and went outside to gather my thoughts.

I chose a gravesite and quickly dug a deep grave next to the bamboo grove. I took a file and sharpened my machete, not that I ever intended to use it, it just needed sharpening. That's what I kept telling myself. I became less sensitive to the situation as I focused on the business end of my task. Going back inside, I once again sat with her, petting, scratching, stroking, and hoping she would just die. She was very weak now. "Meow", she said in her drug-weakened voice. "Meow", I replied. This exchange went on for a few minutes. What was she really saying? Was she pleading? Was she thanking me like I thanked her? Was she praying? What? My heart was breaking. I couldn't take it anymore. I put my revolver in my pocket, grabbed two old towels and cradled her in my arms, carrying her slowly to her grave. I lay her on the ground next to her grave, petting and hoping. The children would be home soon.

I lined the grave with one of the towels. Cats like to lie on soft things. I gently lay her in the grave. I don't know exactly what I was thinking then.

We will know the moment before we meet our death. Crystal knew. Of that I am certain. She would not cooperate with her death. Suddenly, with the speed and agility of an undrugged cat, she attempted to leap out of her grave. I panicked! I forcefully shoved her back in, making a mockery of my tenderness, compassion and all my prayers. She never saw the gun. She never saw the gun because our eyes never broke contact. What I saw in her eyes, which was probably just my own reflection, was horror. Horror and betrayal!

I shot her once in the head. I had not expected her body to twitch like it did. I fired again. Goddamn it! A misfire! The bullets were 15 years old. Why hadn't I considered that? I pulled the trigger again. Another misfire! Was she suffering? The fourth and fifth shots went right through her heart. It was over. The second towel now covering her body, I quickly filled in her grave with dirt. I shaped the mound, said a final prayer and ran from the grave crying and feeling like a murderer and a traitor.

I had written her funeral prayer days before her death. I wanted the prayer to have meaning for the children. A blend of their Catholicism and my Buddhist philosophy, something to help them understand the preciousness of all life and life's continuity.

That night the children and I went to the grave. I had lied to them and told them a story of a serene and peaceful death. I held the flashlight while David read the prayer. He started crying and was unable to finish. Natalie finished it for him. We lit a small fire on top the grave and burned some aromatic herbs. We set the prayer on fire and waited until the fire burned out before going back into the house.

Death Prayer for Crystal

Crystal. Pay attention! Listen to our prayer! You have left the animal realm and now you are in the state between your life as a cat and your next life.

We thank you for all the joy and happiness you have brought into our lives. You were a member of our family and we loved you and cared for you.

You were a sweet and gentle being. You played with us and watched over our home.

As you wander around in the between state, do not be afraid! Think only happy thoughts. When the time comes for you to take rebirth, we pray that you will be born in a higher realm where you will meet with loving friends and have opportunities to learn and grow.

We pray that our paths will cross again and that we may have the chance to help each other. We pray that you find peace and contentment. May your road home always be on the path of peace. Amen.

10/8/2003