Cubical Wars

Monday, day one - I arrive in the cubical jungle refreshed and revived from my weekend of R&R. Having been a veteran of many skirmishes, I know the safest thing to do is get to my desk, hunker down and pray to avoid the minefields. You can never be too careful at the office.

I am not logged in long when I feel the glaring heat of 2 little eyes burning a hole in my back. I turn quickly and try to block my computer screen, too late the first shrapnel of the day. "Oh wow, The Onion huh? Nice use of the company time. Haha." He was going for a conspiratorial whisper but talks so loud half of the office hears him.

Mr. Loudmouth, loud from the top of his spiky, gelled up hair to his black and white wing tip soles, is dressed in a garish tie and matching socks. In the female model she wears those noisy sandals that make the loud "slap,slap" sound as she walks around the office. Before I rally my defenses I hear a loud ring and Mr. Loudmouth rushes off to get his phone. His phone that is across the office, his phone that is turned up so loud you can hear it in the bathroom.

Oh good, he has once again put his call on speaker without bothering to turn down the volume. I wonder if he thinks those 3 little fabric covered walls are sound proof? He finishes his call but not before he announces the surprise twist ending of a movie I was planning on see this weekend. Groans abound through out the office. Darn another direct hit, I have got to get my head in the game and dodge those surprise bombings or I'll never survive.

He goes to make an outgoing call and there it is, the loud dial tone on speaker, of course. Why would you have the number you are calling in hand before hitting the dial button? I try to ignore the "dooooooooooooooooooooo" of the dial tone and brace myself for the loud "eheheheheheheheheheheheh" when he takes too long to dial.

He hangs up when the guitar solo from Van Halen's Jump blares from his cell phone- no vibe mode for this guy. Oh good it's his wife, perhaps he will conclude his talk about her problems with her monthly cycles or the riveting tale of that rash he can't get rid of and doesn't know how he got. Maybe I can take an early lunch, I think in defeat. I have lost this battle but tomorrow is another day.