Cubs' Chair Crane Kenney Confesses to Dugout-Dousing Sin

Cubs' Chairman Crane Kenney recently gave Cubbie conventioneers a formal mea culpa for the holy water occurrence before the '08 NLDS at Wrigley Field last fall.

But it wasn't penance enough for the harm his action inflicted on the perpetually battered Cubdom psyche.

In case you went into early hibernation last fall to spare yourself the pain of yet another sweep, here's the story: Kenney and the Cubs organization spent the better part of the 2008 season exhorting the Cub faithful to stop their belief in curses, cursed animals and Cubbie occurrences.

Then, just before Game One of the Cubs-Dodgers NLDS Series, Kenney allowed a Greek Orthodox priest to sprinkle holy water in the Cubs' dugout in the hopes of dispelling The Curse.

Yes, Kenney has spun his actions since then, repackaging it as a 'goodwill gesture', but we in Cubdom Know the Truth.

As to the priest's ethnicity, one imagines it resonated with Kenney because of the Greek ownership of the dreaded Sianis animal.

But, perhaps the Greek patriarch was drafted because other clergy such as His Eminence, Cardinal Francis George had other more pressing matters to which to attend that day, and that Max von Sydow was similarly unavailable.

This of course, was not the first appearance of holy water at Wrigley. Recall that Dusty Baker sprinkled it at the mound on the ill-fated Cub pitcher Mark Prior back in the day. Mark currently accepted a minor-league deal with the Padres. Hmm, Padres...any connection?

And, did anybody make the connection between the holy water in the Cubs dugout at Wrigley, and the bubbling spring that miraculously appeared in the Cubs dugout at Dodger Stadium after the loss of Game Three? Ah, Cubbie Karma: Our Name Is Earl.

Kenney should have known that using holy water to lift the Wrigley curse is about as effective as using it on Linda Blair. And, all she ever did was go from consorting with the Devil to consorting with Rick James. Lateral career moves stink.

But, the most important question remains: Why in the name of all that's unholy in Cub history did Kenney acknowledge a curse that he spent an entire season insisting did not exist?

Kenney's action wasn't simply a "What can it hurt?" gesture--it was a giant step backwards in the progress of the Cubbie collective consciousness.

By letting in the priest, Kenney hit one right off his foot--and he can't even blame the lack of a good Japanese hitting coach for it.

Now, surely, you say, this single moment of doubt did not cost the Cubs the Division Series. There were lots of other factors. The team played tight under pressure. The Dodgers were by far the worthier team. The dog ate my homework. (Hey..."dog" spelled backwards spells...YIKES!)

OK, I'm creeping myself out here. But, that's the working of superstition in the Cubbie mentality: Affirm the existence of the Curse, and you invest it with power. Attempt to fight it, and you merely strengthen it.

Banish it from your thinking, however, and it vanishes into the ether from which it came, freeing a space in the mind for a winning philosophy and real-world accountability.

Kenney and the club were well on their way to effecting that sort of massive upgrade in thinking in the Cubbie mind, until he cued the Stevie Wonder music. And, Cubdom duly lapsed back into its collective cynicism and self-loathing.

Well, Cub fans, here is the real truth: the fault lies not in our stars, or our cursed animals, that we are underlings. Yes, It's Gonna Happen, but only when we start growing up, and stop the silly double-mindedness in our thinking. For Karma, dear Cub friends, begins in the mind.

Remember that a house divided again itself cannot stand. And, then, big chunks of concrete start falling down around your head, a sign of the End Times.

And, by the by--the priest's karma was poppin' that day, too: in return for the services, Kenney gave him a couple of playoff tickets. Universal Law, baby.