Culinary Hooligans
Grubbs is Brighton's best burger bar, England's best burger bar, the World's best burger bar. I would be inclined to suggest that it is the Universe's best burger bar. I went for a triple blue cheese burger. Seriously, why does "triple" only have one "p" but "nipple" have two? I blame the moles for that one.
Grubbs' window had been smashed the night before, and I walked to the Robin Hood seething with fury. I expressed this fury in conversation with a chap named Olly. I don't remember the exact contents of the rant, but it went something like this.
"What sort of culinary hooligan would smash the window of the greatest burger bar in town? It is nauseating to imagine the monumentally incognizant lunatic that would do such a thing. The mental gymnastics required to empathise with that behaviour are impossible. I tried a mental triple back flip across a balance bar and it just made my brain hurt. The perpetrator deserves to have their feet encased in a gigantic concrete burger and subjected to a series of brutal coordinated gherkin-throwing attacks."
"I do apologise," said Olly. "We had a drunken shopping trolley race last night and one of the trolleys went through the window."
Published by Stoneskin
I am an eccentric, irritable computer programmer from Sussex. Real ale enthusiast, avid reader. View profile
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9 Comments
Post a CommentMMMM, triple blue cheese burger sounds great!
That's some consolation, I suppose. However, one of the best places in upstate NY to go for some drunk munchies is a place called Nick Tahoes. They specialized in something called a "garbage plate" with two cheeseburger patties thrown on to a plate with hash browns, macaroni salad and "special sauce" thrown on top. It stays open all night and is frequented by the college students, hooker and the homeless, pretty much in that order. One night back in the 90's I was sitting in there and my buddy pointed out the new sheet glass windows. I inquired why they were replace and was informed that the place has periodic drive-by shootings. Pfeh.
Verily, the culinary hooligans were instead just plain old drunks. Ain't that always the way? I presume a shopping trolley is what we call a shopping cart. Don't you have real trolleys over there? You know, the train-car-looking things that run on tracks in the city streets with a power line overhead? What d'ye call those, then?
very well written piece.
You know me. I don't care if it's a triple or a triPPle blue cheese burger--I won't have anything to do with it. It is a shame about the vandalism, though. Give Olly a nice kick in the gherkins from me.
Why can't we all just get along? To promote peace, I suggest we start spelling with both "o" and "ou" and other such spellings so that people can read words the way they choose. For example, it will now be behavo/our, favo/ourite, organiz/se, and apologiz/se. If you disagree, I know of a giant concrete burger where we can meet to discuss this and the aerial dynamics of gherkins.
I dread reading of this in America's National Enquirer! Your name besmirched for encasing your former friend's feet in a huge concrete burger, and poor Olly, blinded by the flying gherkins thrust into his eyes! And after the poor chap survived that tragic trolley crash! Sad goings on over there, Mister Skin. However, I was struck speechless by the brilliant observation you noted, "Seriously, why does "triple" only have one "p" but "nipple" have two?" Why, it was only last week, when I had cause to comment on some strange American academic's article, whose name I won't mention, but it begins with the same as Mickey Mouse, our famous Disney rodent. He spoke eloquently on matters of love & mating, which opened the door to my comment & led to the triple/nipple conundrum. Clearly a mystery of international consequence. So I beg of you, Stoneskin, please nab those moles immediately, & put an end to inconsistencies in English spelling!
Who are you to argue spelling when you spell things like "behaviour" and "apologise"? :D
Smiles!