Culling the Human Race in an Effort to Curb Overpopulation

Background. City living is stimulating, but there are those of us who yearn for greener pastures in which to frolic on rolling hillsides. We dream of a simpler life spent on a self-sustaining farm comprised of time with our families and yield producing crops. We strive to partake in nature and tend the land - mow, rake, shovel, plant, harvest and jar - all the chores associated with farm living. The notion is mulled over frequently in households consisting of inexperienced wanna be farmers, adventurous individuals and those people unaware of difficulties experienced by rural dwellers. Realizing a dream is just a dream, we read about other people living the country life. That's where this anecdote begins.

December 2007. Chicago was experiencing a chilling winter. With two dogs requiring frequent walks outdoors despite unrelenting precipitation, snow mounds and below freezing temperatures, a rural setting became the topic of discussion in our household. Not only could we live off the land, the dogs could run at their leisure. To begin our research, we requested a farming magazine for Christmas. We received Progressive Farmer.

October 2008. Our rooftop container garden has proven that we are not capable farmers. We harvested about fifteen tomatoes from four plants, wilted parsley, two eggplants and three cucumbers. The zucchini flowered but never grew. The artichoke spread out but not up into something edible. The fennel looked promising until it turned brown. The basil yielded enough for three pesto dishes. The jalapeno peppers and chives were our most successful crops, but I am fairly certain not enough to sustain us. The perennial plants are flourishing but not meant for consumption only providing us with a colorful landscaped roof.

Progressive Farmer. This month's issue arrived and I read it as usual. When I came upon the article titled, Seven-Step Culling, I could not help but be grateful that the human race is superior to all other living creatures. If a greater animal existed, we may be culled because surely our numbers are far too great and let's be honest - Do all of us really contribute to our society in a productive way? Then, I could not help but wonder - Who would be eliminated for the greater good of mankind?

Culling Policy. Culling is necessary for the human race to maintain its greatness. We need to get rid of underperforming people. If people agree to have fewer or no children, then we will not need to cull as much. If rough weather damages crops, we may need to cull more in an effort to protect resources needed to sustain our existence. A child may be cute, but if he's eating glue and paper, he's worthless. A man may be hot, but if he's spending 2 hours every morning on his hair, he's a pansy. A baby may sweetly coo, but if she's eating more than her fair share, we can't let her jeopardize our food stock. A woman may be smokin', but if she's not able to spell her name, why bother keeping her around? When times are tough, we cannot let our emotions interfere with the culling process. All people are subject to removal regardless of looks, age and status in family.

Hard times. Our country is in economic turmoil. It's at times like these when culling becomes crucial to our survival as the greatest animal on Earth. Forget about attachments, memories and traditions with loved ones. You won't remember the good times anyway when you feel crowded and starved. This will be hard for some people to accept, so I would advise hiring a consultant. Employ an individual with proven success in grouping and eliminating sectors of the population quickly and painlessly. Seven-Step Culling suggests that you begin with those females least likely to earn a buck. I'm not sure whom this would include as I am not a qualified, registered or licensed culling consultant. Stupid women? Stay-at-home women? Jobless women? Volunteer women? States along with culling experts are best suited for making these life altering or should I say death altering decisions? If continued culling is still necessary, the article suggests targeting the "moneymakers". I'm not sure why males least likely to earn a buck are passed over, but heck I did not write this policy I'm only reporting the details. To assist those interested in curbing overpopulation, please review the groups below.

Group 1: Open Humans - Forgo birth control. Forget about age, consent and responsibility. Encourage breeding opportunities so those who can't produce offspring are easily identified. Cull humans who fail to create life. **Special reminder: Group 1 should be followed every spring to ensure the population participating in sexual activities is prolific, loads of fun does not qualify as productive.

Group 2: Unsound Humans - Any woman with ailing extremities or disorders of the mouth (Does this include nagging, bragging, gossiping and yelling?) along with females lacking a friendly demeanor should be eliminated. Let's face it. No one wants the human herd disrupted with ugliness outside and inside.

Group 3: Thin Humans - This category does not necessarily discriminate against women with eating disorders. A thin chick is acceptable as long as she is not too old. We all know any typical man would say, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." Adhering to the norm, this group requires careful consideration of those women whose bodies have ungracefully matured. To ensure accurate culling, industry experts suggest creating a scorecard.

Group 4: Late-birthing Females - As a woman, I am becoming quite a nervous nelly for I am an unemployed, unpaid, childfree, thin female in my thirties. My life depends on my redeeming qualities including I have an education making me employable; I can ask my husband for an allowance thereby earning a living; I am not contributing to the population crisis because I have two rescue dogs; I enjoy eating and could pack on some pounds if necessary, and I am in my early thirties so that may not be considered too old on the scorecard. Personality is subjective. By the way, any age past barely teenage may qualify as too old. Humans must procreate before they are even finished developing themselves so more people will exist giving population control experts a greater pool in which to select from when curbing overpopulation. If this does not make sense to you, your life may be culled due to the stupidity factor always an option in the selection process.

Group 5: Healthy Older Humans - Finally, a group that does not specify the gender with ovum. At this stage, selection specialists can be subjective. If deemed too old, you're well done.

Group 6: Bred Young Females - All women can rely on to survive this group is birth order. First-born girls rejoice for you will be permitted to live in hopes of producing a greater number of heavier offspring.

Group 7: Mature Broads - This group is for the older female who still turns heads. She also has a strong history of reproducing and quickly weaning her children. Her little ones are good looking and will wisely choose suitable partners in the future who look just like them. Diversity is not encouraged.

Following these guidelines will enable the human race to continue on its path of greatness. There will be more room for those people who matter and resources will be ample enough to satisfy everyone's needs.

*Warning: Strict adherence to these recommendations may result in a dangerously low female population leading to inbred tendencies, inheritable diseases, a society filled only with men and ultimately human extinction.