Culture, Shocks and a Lube

Hooded sweatshirt, top hat & tails, cap & jamz.
Barbecue, canapés, hot dogs.
Nehi, Dom Perignon, Bud Lite.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a soccer game, then to the opera, then to another soccer game.

But if word gets out about what I'm up to, in between my manly, socially-acceptable sports bookends, I may have to give up my City of Creyer citizenryshipness.

I told a friend of my plans, and she asked if my nieces were playing soccer. I said no, two busty Italian women and a fat guy are playing soccer; my nieces are in the opera. My friend called me a "smart a**."

Oddly enough, "smart a**" is the second most-often-used phrase in the Creyer (pronounced "Ker") newspaper, the Literable Gazette.
Page 1: Today, some smart a** ran his car smack up into the Pork & Lube.
Page 2: The Creyer Public Liberry has done got itself another donation from, I dunno, some smart a**.
Page 8 (continued from Page 1): Pork & Lube's shift manager Lancretia Snerck was overheard to be heard saying, "Now, which one of you smar..."

Coming in at number one on the Creyer most-often-used phrase list is "git 'r done," which is how the city leaders signify the end of Town Council meetings, since some smart a** stole the gavel.

By the way - according to the Gazette, the Creyer Municipal City Opera & Back Hoe Repair Company is staging a performance of its own this coming weekend. The CMCO&BHRC will present a regional favorite, "La Bovine," a gripping tale of 4 transmission mechanics living in a loft in Paris, Texas, with no money, no heat, no prospects, and less than half a pound of Mexican ragweed pot between them.

Locals rave over contra-dancing-alto, Nicholas 'Longneck' Persimmon, and his dark interpretation of the extremely stoned graffiti artist Neiman Markup, who spends most of the first act trying to cajole the flirtatious and seriously plus-sized Moose-etta into stopping by to admire his collection of charcoal etchings, tastefully displayed in an alley behind the Sonic Drive-In. Locals cannot but melt when Markup finally wins Moose-etta over, when he solidly lays into the touching "Si sgombrino le sale!" ("For you, punkin, the whole jar of pickles, brine and errythang!")

Moose-etta, a full-figured Texan who, to be honest, looks like she's smuggling heads, will again be portrayed by perennial favorite, Anita Willingbanker, a regular at the CMCO&BHRC, as well as at the "Trough & Scoot" dance club and karaoke parlor over to Pearl Street. Look for Anita to slay the crowd with her wildly popular and extremely loud rendition of "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!"

In the heart-breaking final act, the diva MeeMaw, the hacking, chain-smoking flower-merchant, finally alienates her beau, Rudy 'The Dolphin' Dolpho, by pawning his water-pipe. ("Que? You did QUE?!?") Enraged, Rudy sends her packing, which, given MeeMaw's liberal dietary philosophy, could take several acts, and MeeMaw mopingly winds her way down a seriously orchestra-infected stairway. ("Viva Parpigno! Dolor Hashish! la Putz!") MeeMaw never fails to bring the tearful audience to its feet with her powerful aria, "Okay, Jello Mania." ("Dang. [la Cough] Your hands is COLD, honey! [la Wheezing Noise]")

And, like nearly all operas, the story ends sadly, as the snores in the audience swell, and MeeMaw flips out from the munchies ("Ai! le Pang! Ai!") and leaps from the basement window, unable to face that universal disappointment - the McDonald's is done run out of Chicken McNuggets. ("O finite dunque sauce! la Shucks!")

Sadly, the CMCO&BHRC was unable to find any currently un-indicted backers for its first program choice, "Sorry, Tristan, But I Sold Ye."

Well, government willing, there's always next weekend...