Cupid's Arrows Aim for B-List Celebrities

Sure, the Bachelor and the Bachelorette are popular shows. The idea of several men and women duking it out for the affections of a single soul can be exciting. And as the dirty laundry and backstabbing begins to bubble to the surface, we can hardly help but to invest in these vicarious trysts. What could possibly be added to this equation to raise our blood pressures even higher? A gold-mouthed, clock-sporting rapper? An 80s hair rocker with an unnatural penchant for bandanas?

Yes, it seems that these mate-searching programs become more tragically fascinating when a celebrity name, no matter how obscure, is added to the format. We were introduced to this phenomenon by none other than Public Enemy's Flavor Flav when he sifted through a house of love-starved females in Flavor of Love. Our interest was piqued enough to give birth to I Love New York, where Flav's twice-spurned love interest New York searches for a man who is crazy enough to deal with her and her impossible mother.

We didn't get much time to wonder whether the train wreck would end with New York. In no time at all, Poison frontman Bret Michaels emerged from the woodwork in a quest for the ideal busty, hard-partying counterpart to become his soulmate ala VH1's Rock of Love. Surely we've had our fill of sub-par celebrities looking for "love" via process of elimination. Hold on a second! Here comes A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and with it a new twist: men AND women get equal opportunity to vie for the attention of the curvy internet superstar.

It is now apparent that viewers will not soon tire of this twisted reality genre. This means that those on the supply side of this phenomena will have to work hard to keep up with the demand of the citizens of TV land. Fortunately, with the rate of the American attention span, celebrities are prone to falling quickly down the greased up rungs of the superstar ladder. As the offers begin to trickle in at a depressing late and the royalties dry up, it is likely that pride and dignity will fly out the window for some of these poor creatures. Suddenly the idea of roosting in a luxurious mansion while scads of crazy hangers-on go to the outer limits to prove themselves worthy doesn't seem too terrible. I do my part for the movement by offering some suggestions for future programming:

Crane Kicked by Love with Ralph Macchio
Plot synopsis: 30 women live in a house and compete to become the arm candy of Mr. Daniel Larusso himself. Inane competitions include, but are not limited to, karate chopping through thick sheets of ice, catching flies with chopsticks and learning karate basics through strenuous household chores. Elimination rounds will consist of Ralph Macchio presenting bonsai trees to those he favors and asking them to remain in his dojo. As the remaining ladies without bonsais are asked to step forward, tension will be underlined through the cunning use of bon dance drums. Those who are eliminated will receive a simulated crane kick from Ralph and be asked to exit the dojo. The show's winner will share an intimate tea ceremony with Macchio.

Girl You Know It's You with Milli Vanilli's Fabrice Morvan
This show will feature a Joe Millionaire twist as the last contender will be shocked to discover that Fabrice was romancing on behalf of a mysterious stranger who will reveal himself at the series finale. She must then decide if she wants to pursue the stranger or remain with 50% of a late 80s/early 90s pop sensation.

And let us not forget that DUI arrests and mental breakdowns are working fast to reduce the freshest crop of Hollywood talent to shameful TV fodder. It seems like we will have a bountiful crop of has-beens to reap for as long as we hold a morbid fascination/pity for them.