Curbing Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is quite a problem for parents who have multiple children within a close age range. It is easy for parents to feel overwhelmed, however, I must remind all parents that sibling rivalry is as old as Cain and Able and has been passed down through Isaac and Ishmael and so on. The crux of sibling rivalry is jealousy. Each is wanting the attention and love of the parents. Each wants to display their uniqueness and get parental approval for their wonderful qualities. Every child wants the parents' love and affection. Each wants to feel special. Children don't desire to injure or annihilate the other siblings in the family. they do not have a death wish for your other children. They only want to be heard and loved for who they are. Understanding that this stems from an insecurity in children, it is easier to fix the problem. Know that it will not improve over night. However, with constant care, it will decrease.

Each of your children is an individual. Each has wonderful unique characteristics. They are each wonderfully made with gifts that are unique to themselves. Take a good look at your children. Examine their strengths and weaknesses. Help your children develop interests outside of their other siblings. Children should not develop interests because they feel that excelling at specific activities will insure their parents' love. The children should be reassured that no matter the activity that they pursue, their parent will maintain unconditional love for them. While one may be good at sports, another may not. Both parents should give their children the freedom to shine by their own light. It is difficult for some parents, but all parents need to understand that the child is not an appendage. Just because you may want your child to be a musical genius and your older child is also enjoying music, this does not mean that your younger child will A. enjoy and B. want to learn music. Your younger child should not be chastised because he/she has different interests than either you or your older child. It is important to develop those gifts that are naturally given and those interests that the child has.

Many parents fall into the trap of comparing the children. They also compare their parenting styles. They believe that if something worked with one child, then, it should work with all of the children. similarly, they believe that if one child excels at a certain activity, then, it must be in the genes. Thus, all children will excel. This is the type of thinking that breeds insecurity within children. Although these children have the same parents, their genes could be very different and the parent forgets that environment plays a large part in a child's characteristics. Even twins who live in the same house might have very different viewpoints on certain subjects and might excel at different activities.

Take the issue of academics. Not all children are scholars. It might take lots of work for one child to learn to read or do their arithmetic. Encourage the child to do his/her best. However, also find things that the child excels in. In this way, you are attempting to accommodate for a weakness, yet building the child's self confidence through their strengths. When parents compare their children with each other, it is probable that the children will compare the acts of love and affection that they receive from their parents with that received by their siblings.

Praise each child equally for their successes. It does not matter if you find their hobbies boring. As a blind mother, unfortunately, I am not able to appreciate photography as much as other parents. However, when my child decided to take this up as a hobby, I incorporated his hobby into our other events. He became our photographer. He was encouraged to learn all that he could about this hobby. He was, for all intensive purposes, the expert photographer of our family. This gave him a clear role in the family. He knew that his interests and knowledge was appreciated.

While it is a good idea to give each child space and freedom to be their unique selves, it is also a good idea to encourage sibling cohesiveness. This is done by doing many family activities. Some activities require that the children work together as a team. This helps them realize and recognize each other's strengths. Some activities include: treasure hunts, relays, water sports, bicycling, interviewing a particular person of interest and so on. Once we interviewed an owner of a company that gave horse-&-carriage rides. One son took the photographs, my daughter wrote down all of the questions and answers, one son did the interview and the other son was in charge of the cassette recorder. I was in charge of lunch.

All of my children played both soccer and basketball while growing up. While some were better than others, I encouraged them all to do their best. when one person was not playing, they were a great cheerleader and my commentator. Thus, they developed commentating skills and had a function to perform. Eventually, as their confidence grew, they were able to appreciate the gifts of their siblings. Many times children just want recognized and appreciated.

Encourage your children to support their siblings in their specific activities. It is not necessary to make your children attend each and every event that their sibling participates in. However, encourage and praise your children when they support their siblings. Let them know that you appreciate their support. If possible, it is a good idea to lead by example. Let your children see you supporting your own siblings. If you have not sibling, then, another member of the family or a close friend can be a good substitute. Continue to remind your children that each one of them is loved and appreciated.

Remind your child what makes them special and what makes their sibling special. Do not tolerate hateful language or actions. At first, some parents ignore the behavior and some even think that it is "cute" when they are infants. This encourages sibling rivalry. Decide exactly which behaviors warrant punishment and which behaviors do not. Make sure that your children know that spiteful or vengeful behavior will not be tolerated. Have strong consequences for behavior that you and your spouse have decided is intolerable. Then, be consistent in your consequences. Don't allow your momentary emotions to override your decisions about specific consequences.

If one child is violent toward a sibling, it is imperative to seek counseling. The violence must stop immediately. Children should feel safe and secure in their own house. Violence suggests that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed by a therapist.

These suggestions will help minimize sibling rivalry, however, there will always be a bit of rivalry between your children. The good news is that as they grow into productive happy people, this rivalry decreases. For my children, they have grown to respect each other and enjoy each other's company. They are not best friends. But, they are not enemies.