Cycle of Abuse

All of us probably have at least 1 friend we know is in a crappy relationship or a potentially volatile marriage. We've all at some point more then likely have offered advice or tried to help in some way or another. What causes people we care about to stay in relationships that they know are not healthy environments? What goes through the mind of our friends when they are convincing themselves that staying is the right thing to do?

In this article I want to explore some of these reasonings and give advice and options to those out there in this very situation personally or those people out there with family and loved ones in this situation.

Something's we can be on the lookout for with our family and friends to indicate that they maybe dealing with an abusive relationship are things we all know but rarely pay a lot of attention to. Some of these indicators are: broken promises, major signs of jealousy, signs of physical abuse, and signs that control is being used.

Broken promises could be several things. It could be that your loved one or friend promises to meet you for lunch but suddenly calls to cancel without reason. It could also be a promise that your friend or loved ones significant other has made to them but continually does not come through. That also falls into the control issue. If your loved one is in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship the significant other may promise to do something simple such as take them out to dinner or take them to spend time with their family and then turns right around and changes their mind for no reason. That is a form of control and broken promises. Another example would be that the abuser says that they will give the abused something to calm them down or keep them from leaving just to throw that promise out the window when it suits them. Promising after an argument or fight that it will never happen again but then a week down the road it is the same situation all over again.

Acute jealousy could be another sign that your loved one is being abused in some form or another. If you and your friend are shopping or just hanging out and their significant other calls constantly or pops in to check up on your friend for no apparent reason or your loved one mentions the extreme jealousy from their significant other on a regular basis then your loved one may need help. Sometimes we may notice the jealousy when our loved ones really do not. Have you ever been hanging out with a group of friends just to see your loved ones significant other trying to isolate them from the group or a particular person? If you do notice this that is a sign of jealousy, if the abuser does not want your loved one being around friends or family or a particular person for no reason at all then start asking questions. Point out to your friend what you noticed. If your friend or loved responds with something along the lines of "Frank just wanted to talk to me." or "Frank just wanted some time alone for awhile." That is them making excuses for what they do not want to see or admit.

We've all seen a woman and on occasion a man in a store that is wearing long sleeves in the middle of the hottest summer or the woman that never takes off her sunglasses. These could be signs of physical abuse. If you touch your friend or brush up against them and they jerk away or shutter then those could be signs that our friend is being abused. It could be signs of bruising or it could be a sign of being startled easily by a harder nudge. People who are physically abused tend to jerk away more when they are touched. It is a defense mechanism that they can use when the abuser is not around. They may not be willing to stand up to their abuser for whatever reason but they can become defensive quickly when the abuser is not the one touching them.

There are many forms of abuse. There is the physical side, emotional, financial, verbal, and sexual. We covered the physical aspect of abuse. With emotional abuse the abuser is usually abusing with their words or actions. If you see your friends significant other constantly putting them down, or calling them names those are forms of emotional abuse. Financial abuse could be a friend who wants to work but their significant other will not allow it. Keep in mind that if your friend has children that they maybe staying home to nurture their children. Be careful when confronting a friend about financial abuse, be sure that the reason they are not helping monetarily with their household expenses is not because of the above mentioned reason. If your friend is constantly having to ask you or other family members or friends for money for simple things that they may need that could be a sign that their "loved" one is not allowing them access to any money no matter the need. Verbal abuse has some of the same qualities as the emotional abuse, such as the name calling or cutting them down as a person. There is a fine line between playing around and actually being verbally abusive. If your friend and their "loved" one are naturally pickers then pay attention to this line. If your friend gets upset when their significant other calls them a name even though it may seem all in the moment and come across as just picking to you, pay close attention to the reaction of your loved one or friend. Take cues from them as to whether it is all in fun or something more. Sexual abuse in a relationship is not something that we think of often but it does and can happen. If you notice your friend backing away when their "loved" one leans in to kiss them in a group or if they are trying to distance themselves from the abuser when it seems the abuser is trying to be "lovey" this could be a sign that something more is going on.

Some abused women think that if they bring children into a situation that they will ease the abuse and make the abuser happier in their life. This is not the case. Bringing a child into a situation that is already volatile and dangerous to them is going make it just as volatile and dangerous for a child. The child may not become the target of the abuse but by being in a home where there is some form of abuse the child will be effected as well. This creates a cycle of abuse for years to come. If a child grows up in an environment where there is abuse and they see or hear abuse on a regular basis then they are more likely to use those same techniques and coping mechanisms in relationships as young adults or adults. Children in these situations tend to have more dependence issues as they age as well.

Some startling statistics for us to think over. In 2000 there were 1247 women and 440 men killed by a partner. 85% of violent intimate partner crimes involved women as the victim. 1 in 4 women have been sexual assaulted or abused in their lifetime. An article done for the National Institute of Justice and the Centres for Disease Control in 1998 found that 9 million physical assaults against 1.5 million targets happen in the USA annually.

Some more statistics to think about are as follows:

29% of all abuse is done by a husband, boyfriend, ex-husband, or ex-boyfriend

Annually there are at least half a million reports of abuse and nearly half of those that did the abusing were friends or acquaintances. Strangers are only responsible for about 1 in 5 of all of those cases.

40% of couples in a years time will experience sever forms of abuse such as biting, kicking, punching and so on.

20 to 30% of emergency room visits show some sign of abuse.

10% of those emergency room visits are with pregnant women.

10% also report that their children are being abused as well.

What can we do for loved ones that we suspect are being abused? We can direct them to several locations for help such as National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. NDVH can help with crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers. We can also direct them to the website at http://www.ndvh.org/index.php. If they are afraid to use a computer at their home let them access the site from your home or from a library.

Another website we can direct our abused loved ones to is: http://www.metrokc.gov/dchs/csd/Women/Hotlines.htm. There are numerous assistance numbers and contact information for many organization's on this site.

Some tips that relationship911.org gives are to be supportive and available to our loved ones, never give up on them getting out of the situation, and remember who they truly are and help them remember who they are as well. One of the suggestions that relationship911 gives is to send your loved one a list of their blessings. Include that they have loving and supportive family and friends, and the enduring wonderful characteristics that they possess.

A lot of women may stay in an abusive relationship because they convince themselves it will get better, or their "loved" one is stressed out and it will pass. They may stay because they feel they have no other choice. They also may stay because of children in the home. Women may choose to stay because they have been convinced by the abuser that no one else will ever have them or want them. They may feel that the abuse will only get worse if they leave. The hotlines mentioned above can help with these ill fated notions and ideas. There are local resources to help the abused get on with their lives once they leave the situation. Leaving an abusive relationship is not the end of the world and there is help out there for the abused and their families.

These issues are tough to think about and even tougher to witness when we see someone we love and care about going through them. We must be strong for our loved ones and help them in anyway that we can. We have to help them see what they usually choose not to see. We need to be sure that they understand where the abuse is leading and that they need to get help before it escalates any further. We need to come together and help the abused realize that they are not alone and they do have options. Never let your loved ones give into the notion that no one else will want them or they can not do any better. Do not let them be brainwashed into thinking that for a minute that they have to live with and put up with the abuse or the abuser.

If you think that your loved one is being abused confront the issue head on with them before it is too late. Do all that you can to help them with the situation but do not make their situation worse by any means. Best advice is do all that you can but it ultimately falls in to their hands to decide and help themselves.