Daddy Discrimination in America

We have a problem here in America. Surprising, right? Drugs. Immigration. War. Violence. But would you be surprised if I said the problem of which I am speaking is the discrimination of fathers? Well, that is the problem. Now, some of you have never experienced anything that relates to this issue. In that case, don't take my word for it, just look it up. There are others, doubtlessly, that will adamantly disagree based on their own experiences. The rest will nod their heads in disgruntled agreement. "The rest" of whom I am speaking is fathers. Well, and those that have dealt with the family court system.

Now, I could go on and on about the fact that 90% of all cases of custody go in favor of the mother. I could admit that the 2002 Job and Family Services report indicated that 83% of abuse and neglect charges are against mothers. I could complain that 92% of child support paid is paid by the father. But, to do that would take more than just this column. It would take a book.

Instead, I have decided to focus on something slightly smaller. Individuals. After all, it is individuals that make up these organizations. It is individuals that ultimately invoke change. It is also individuals that hold tightly to the old school stigmas that have put fathers in this awful mess. Most of us don't even notice that we do it. So, let me give you an example that is on a more individual basis.

My fiancé has custody of his three children. He has had custody of them for several years and it took a lot of effort to get to that place. During the time of back to back court dates and meeting with guardians, he and I discussed this discrimination regularly. But, once everything was settled, the discussions came less and less. Still, every once in a while, one of the old schoolers will rear their head and remind us of that battle.

It was nearly spring and time for little Macey's ninth birthday party. I was in our bedroom wrapping presents and listening from the open window to the guests pulling up. Tom appointed himself official greeter, meeting everyone at their car and telling them of the day's events. I watched from the bedroom window as a tan truck pulled up and a little girl stepped from the passenger side. A gentleman, presumably her father, stepped from the driver's side and approached Tom. I was not really paying attention to the conversation at first and it wasn't until I heard a catch phrase that my ears perked up. Keeping his daughter at his side, the man asked Tom, "Where is their mother?"

Tom briefly explained that he had custody of the kids that they lived here, blah, blah, blah.

"So, you are raising your kids by yourself," the man stated, skeptically. I could tell that Tom was beginning to get nervous as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

"How did that happen?" The man sounded not just amazed, but nearly disbelieving. Tom mumbled something that I could not hear, as his back was toward me making his voice muffled.

"Oh, I was just curious," the man said.

"And you have two girls?" The man began to question where the girls would sleep as Macey was having a slumber party. Tom informed him that they were going to take over the family room, but would be well supervised.

"What about food? You know, breakfast and stuff." Tom explained that it was taken care of and assured the man that his daughter would be okay. Still, I could tell that it wasn't going well. Finally, the man bent over to his daughter.

"Are you sure you want to stay over night?" I couldn't believe that the guy had the audacity to ask such a blatantly rude question right in front of Tom. I was not going to stand for it and I knew just how to put an end to Tom's misery.

I casually made my way to the front door, and made a dramatic appearance at Tom's side. With out any instigation, I shoved my hand at the man and looking him directly in the eye I said,

"Hi, I'm Julie. Who are you?" Tom fumbled for a moment and explained that I was his fiancé and we had been together for nearly six years and I would be there the whole time as I lived in the house. An obvious look of relief washed over the man's face and he let go of his daughter's hand.

"So, are you married?" The man looked strangely at me, but shook his head 'yes'.

"Do you have other kids?" Again, the man looked at me strangely, but nodded his head.

"So, how's your marriage?" This time the man shifted uncomfortably. Tom nudged my side nervously, knowing my temper and my lack of controlling it.

"What," the man asked.

"I was just curious," I stated back to him with daggers shooting from my eyes. The man looked at me with the same strange look and Tom turned his attention to his son that had beckoned him from across the lawn.

"Yeah," I started dismissively, "I really lucked out with Tom. He does all the cooking; he's great with his kids. Hell, he planned this entire party."

"That's cool," the man said, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I know. I always feel so sorry for him. I mean, you're a guy, so you know how it is. Every one thinks there has to be a mom around to take care of things. People give him such a hard time, like it's his fault that their mom isn't around."

"Mmm," he said. I could tell that the guy was catching my drift and realizing that I would be catching hell for it later, I excused myself back to my gift wrapping duties.

Well, I did catch hell for it later, but it didn't matter. I pointed out to Tom that of all the times we have discussed the need for change in the courts; it will never happen if individual people continue to think that only women can raise and care for children. He agreed, but wished that I hadn't taken it out on the parent of Macey's friend.

"Well," I said, "the way I see it is that if the people in your children's lives can't be supportive of the situation, then they aren't supportive of your children. That guy was questioning your skills as a parent for no reason. But, based on his actions, I think you really need to think about who you let your daughter hang out with. You don't think that guy will interrogate Macey if she ever goes to their house? Of course he will, he has no manners, clearly."

We discussed it further, but I can't remember everything and none of it matters. What matters is that we, our society, start to place more value on the role of fathers. This guy WAS a father and still he held that old-time stigma. If we, as individuals, can't see the damage in this than we, as individuals, are idiots. Like that guy.I have had the great fortune to have great fathers in my life. My father was great (mostly, when he wasn't grounding me). Tom is a great father. My sister's boyfriend is a great father. So, for those of you that think only mommy knows best....you're so wrong.