Daily Horoscopes: October 8

A student of non-traditional astrology, my daily horoscopes are direct and easy to interpret. You will not find a more relevant, honest or reality based set of horoscopes in this galaxy. Seriously, you can not find better astrological advice from a stranger on the Internet. I use the methods that have been passed down by my ancestors for centuries. Time tested and doctor recommended, these horoscopes will change your life. That is of course, if you were not born before 1873. No astrologer is better than Rex! Step right up and get the cosmic advice you have been looking for. Be sure to check back daily to get an edge on your day and the competition. You never know what the universe has in store for you, but I do.

Aries (3/21-4/19) - Expect to be surprised! Your genitalia will tingle at an unexpected moment.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) - You will have a tough decision to make. Let the fart out, or hold it in until later? There's no time like the present!

Gemini (5/21-6/21) - Whatever you do today, do not lick anything you would not normally lick!

Cancer (6/22-7/22) - Do not waste your time looking for a closer parking spot.

Leo (7/23-8/22) - That career in the porno industry you have always dreamed of has never been closer.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) - Avoid the equator at all costs today!

Libra (9/23-10/22) - Who do you think you are?

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) - Stay close to a Taurus all day. It is your job to prevent them from farting.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) - Go ahead and eat it. No one is looking.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) - You will set a new personal best on an arcade game.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) - Avoid making love with one of your in-laws

Pisces (2/19-3/20) - Arm wrestle someone today.

Disclaimer: Astrology is total bs. You would have more luck asking a dog for advice based on the spatial distribution of its last fifteen bowel movements. However, you should be careful on that front, as dogs are generally quite protective of this information, and the location of their feces.