Daily Horoscopes: October 9

A student of non-traditional astrology, my daily horoscopes are direct and easy to interpret. You will not find a more relevant, honest or reality based set of horoscopes in this galaxy. Seriously, you can not find better astrological advice from a stranger on the Internet. I use the methods that have been passed down by my ancestors for centuries. Time tested and doctor recommended, these horoscopes will change your life. That is of course, if you were not born before 1873. No astrologer is better than Rex! Step right up and get the cosmic advice you have been looking for. Be sure to check back daily to get an edge on your day and the competition. You never know what the universe has in store for you, but I do.
Aries (3/21-4/19) - You will learn a new word today.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) - Beware of unfamiliar bacteria.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) - Don't do it!

Cancer (6/22-7/22) - A rare migratory bird will land in your lawn today, but you will be looking in a different direction.

Leo (7/23-8/22) - Avoid the extra spice in your dinner.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) - " "

Libra (9/23-10/22) - If you watch too much television today, you will be attacked by a shark at some point in the future.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) - You would be well advised to eat Mexican food for dinner.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) - Smell your finger no fewer than six times today

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) - Do not choose your friend over your significant other tonight.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) - Pretend that you are a Virgo during the morning hours, and a Sagittarius until you go to bed.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) - Two words: roast beef.

Disclaimer: Astrology is total bs. You would have more luck asking a dog for advice based on the spatial distribution of its last fifteen bowel movements. However, you should be careful on that front, as dogs are generally quite protective of this information, and the location of their feces.