Dalai Lama and Mothering

My friend called and asked if I wanted to go see the Dalai Lama next week at the Centennial Olympic Park. I could actually go because it would be outside and free of charge. I had given birth three months prior so my traveling was extremely limited. The only other time I attempted to go to a public event was to hear a speaker in a tiny room while my one month old baby, Keats, was slumbering in my sling. I walked around for a half hour trying to get him to pass out before entering the room. This would be different; there would be thousands of people and it was outdoors. Still, traveling anywhere is challenging because he tends to be very sensitive and cries a lot. I considered going if we took public transportation. MARTA, as it is called, is maybe the most inefficient public transportation, but my son hates the car seat so it is the only viable option.

I forgot about the upcoming event until the day it was held. I woke up and it seemed really muggy outside. It was hot, humid and a grey fog seemed to settle around every object. We were afraid it may get cancelled and as we soon found out so was the Dalai Lama. I thought I was dressing for the occasion by wearing boots for the mud and wore long sleeves if it got cold but later regretted this terrible decision. I placed Keats in my highly colorful wrap and I was ready to make the trek.

My friend reluctantly agreed to take public transportation (she is more into convenience than adventure). As usual there were construction and train delays on the MARTA. She was complaining the entire way how long it took to get there. I, always, stick up for public transportation because though it is awful here in Atlanta, I am glad that it is still here. Now I think back about how the hour to hour and a half journey was so excruciating for her and how ironic it seems that we were going to see the Dalai Lama. Without even needing to mention one of the main teachings of Buddhism of being in the present, I could just point out the long rituals that were held before to get ready for the speech and after to conclude the ceremony. The monks, as it seems, like to take their time.

I loved that we had all that time to prepare us for the event. There should be more energy dedicated to the virtues of preparation and gradual flow from one part to another. Things seem so much better and fulfilling when one has the ability to transition properly to a mentally and physically demanding event. Plus for me, it is about the journey more than the destinations. Maybe MARTA's inefficiency over the years taught me about patience and enjoying the present instead of always delaying pleasure for some time that you or others deem appropriate. (It reminds me of "quality time," you know, how parents believe that a certain time allocated is enough for the child). I really enjoyed spending time with her in the trains and at the train tracks. (I also suggest everyone should ride public transportation with someone you want to get to know further). It was also great for my son because he loves movement and would have woken up and cried if we were in the car. There is nothing more horrendous than being stuck in a car for long periods going nowhere (Atlanta traffic is notorious) and then looking for a parking spot. The train was a welcoming experience for me.

When we arrived to the park, we witnessed almost the entire lawn covered with people. It was so invigorating to see such an excellent turn out; I felt comradeship. His Holiness started speaking just as we got there; unfortunately, I missed the chants and dances. They did a Black Hat dance to welcome the New Year by cleansing the negativity and then it was followed by a multi-phonic chanting. It ended with the Snow Lion dance which is danced to show that friendship is possible amongst all beings. It was difficult to hear him due to the distance, the weather, and language capabilities, but I was later able to watch a recording to fill in the gaps. I heard the usual things that Dalai Lama would say about peace, and then all of a sudden he started talking about child rearing and mothers. My ears elevated even more and I tried desperately to imprint his every word to my memory (Theses last few months I have dedicated tremendous amount of energy not only to my son, who takes everything, but books on child rearing and related materials. I also try to squeeze in political and social books here and there). What I heard is that the Dalai Lama is advocating attachment parenting (also known as empathic parenting) as the legitimate way to peace. I wish the American Academy of Pediatricians were here!

Dalai Lama began with comparing child rearing practices in humans and other living beings. He said how all have the capacity for anger, jealousy, and fighting just as well as compassion, affection, and tolerance. If one has warm heartedness and compassion, painful experiences come and go without leaving a deep wound. On the other hand, of one lack these same traits then even small adversity leaves a large negative imprint both physically and mentally. He stated that humans have the ability to show compassion and be compassionate unlike many other species. Our goal for a happy society is to decrease negativity and destructiveness and increase positivity and constructiveness. They are contradictory; therefore, positive emotions gain strength. He discussed preventative measures such as nurturing positive emotions such as compassion, affection and kindness from the start. He says,

So now compassion, firstly the seed of compassion from birth, because the very nature we come from our mother our survival depends on others compassion and nurture. Not only human beings but others, our survival depends on others care.

He goes on to give examples;

Some animal like turtle and butterfly/moth although they come form their mother, their survival not depend on others care. Lay down egg and left. Survival is up to young turtles, BUT because of such nature I don't think they do not have capacity to show affection. Turtle offspring and mother put together they could not show affection.... Human baby entirely depend on others care.

He goes on to state that biologically we are designed to show affection because we come from our mothers. The "Great Beings" that Buddhist mythology talks about emerging from the Lotus flower may have more ability for compassion than turtles, nothing more. We are fortunate enough to come from wombs and he says that compassion is something neither he nor anyone else learned from religion, society, or anything else but from his mother. This was probably one of the greatest insights I have ever had the privilege of hearing. I felt so empowered and revitalized as a mother. I am creating a human being in the sense that I am filling Keats up with compassion, affection and tenderness. Having a child AND mothering him is the most radical thing one can do. In existentialist philosophy it states that when one acts, one defines what it is to be human. When I mother and when others mother they are creating and demonstrating what kind of world they want to inhabit.

Those who do not know, the Dalai Lama is not only a spiritual leader but also a peace activist throughout the world. This is precisely the reason I went to see him speak, but I received much more. In addition to his activism, when he spoke he exuded sweetness and gentleness. The Dalai Lama went on to describe in the kindest of words how wonderful his mother was to him and others. He never saw anything but compassion from her and this is why he is filled with compassion; even though he admits he is not extraordinary that everyone is born with ability for compassion. Then he links growing up with positivity, emotional and physical well-being as an adult. He also warns of the dangers of growing up without compassion because those people are unable to develop well and are often frustrated and angry which leads them into bullying and violence. The greatest harm is that they are unable to feel for others suffering. I feel that this sociopathy is pandemic in our society.

He goes on to say that if we want a peaceful society then we must have inner peace which comes from the mother who nurtures us so we may be able to nurture others. He concludes that "we can transform our society into compassionate society because the seed is already there." The seed is mothers. So he finally prescribes ancient wisdom: Mothers give your children maximum affection and care. Mothers practice love and compassion because that is your responsibility; after all he is only a monk and not a mother.

Right about that time, my son woke up and I started nursing him in the sling. He was too excited about the thousands of people around him so he would rather have watched. I was astonished to see him not cry but intently listen and watch for twenty minutes or so. I missed the very end of the speech because he started getting squirmy and we walked around in that humidity where everything was sticking to me and dark overcast sky was barricading any fresh air to break through the smog. I was running around getting him to be content whilst people watched me. I wonder how many were able to connect me (mother) with the speech? Did they really understand when they went home or on their way there, they would reconsider not yelling at Suzy or not leaving their infant in a cold dreary car seat without touch for hours. I hope they did because I deepened my understanding. Mothering is the most important task anyone can have. We are raising our future and our society. Right now we live in a predominantly a turtle society, I hope mothering reclaims it.

To view the visit go to http://www.dalailama.emory.edu/gallery/