'Dancing with the Stars' 2011 Premiere Recap: A Karate Kid, a Ninja Turtle and a Full Frontal Assault

"Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiered Monday night, locked and loaded with a fresh new cast of 11 celebrities and their ever-patient professional partners. While some entered the premiere bearing the hefty weight of expectation on their shoulders, others were clearly in it for fun. Here's a recap of who fanned the flames of Foxtrot love, who put the Cha in Cha-Cha-Cha, who was likened to a Ninja Turtle and who should've just stayed home with popcorn, a remote and a warm blankie.

Co-hosts Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke (who wore a black dress that threatened to eat her alive) kicked off "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 by introducing the new couples. As each descended into the ballroom for the first time, it was impression-time. Mike Catherwood? C-u-t-e smile. Kendra Wilkinson? I thought she was the pro for a second, but then I noticed her flotation devices and worried she might produce a bit too much bounce for the ounce. Sugar Ray Leonard? Lookin' smart. But enough of that, because Tom wasted no time in getting the show started in earnest.

Up first were Disney star Chelsea Kane and partner Mark Ballas. The teeny blonde shared that she wanted to participated in "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 because she was homeschooled and had "never had that boy dance". Well, she'll get it now. She was delighted to find that she'd been paired with the two-time champ, and claimed that from the first second they met, they shared an instant "connection." Hmm, crush alert. Let the rumors begin.

The pair began their Foxtrot in theatrical fashion, lying on the ballroom steps gazing up at a collection of giant yellow and white flowers. Chelsea has great facial expressions and pretty extensions, and clearly has a load of natural ability. Couple number one is contender number one. Head judge Len Goodman called the routine "lovely and fresh" and said that it had bits of "Peter, Paul and Mary" but disliked the shades of "the Black Eyed Peas" that came out. Bruno Tonioli noted that they'd started their dance on their backs and ended it on their backs, and called the midsection "one and a half minutes of pure afterglow". He praised her talent but told to link her movements more effectively. Carrie Ann Inaba told her that she was "fun and youthful" but agreed that she needs to better control her motions. Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas' "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 7, 7, 7 = 21.

Next to take to the ballroom floor were talk show host Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani. Upon meeting for the first time, Wendy asked Tony his name. Uh, clearly not a "DWTS" fan. Should be interesting. She's also a crier. I hope Tony isn't having Kate Gosselin temper tantrum-paparazzi-shopping cart flashbacks.

With the intro segment out of the way, Wendy and Tony began their "I'm Every Woman" Cha-Cha-Cha. What to say, what to say. Well, props to girlfriend for getting out there and shaking her thang. But she looked lost most of the time. The dance was a succession of Wendy looking confused, striking a powerful 'I am woman, hear me roar' pose, and awkwardly moving her legs around. I'm not sure that I can call it 'dancing'. Bruno called her a "sumptuous, luscious, gorgeous woman" but slammed her for not showing her personality. Carrie Ann noted that she'd seen "real fear" in Wendy's eyes, but told her that she needs to "unleash the beast" next time out. Len noted that she had her "dumplings boiling over" and thought it would be "something special", but instead it was "introverted" and too "quiet". Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani's "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 5, 4, 5 = 14.

Pittsburgh Steelers' wide receiver Hines Ward and Kym Johnson kept things going with their debut performance. Hines said that he wanted to do "DWTS" in order to redeem this year's Superbowl loss. Kym immediately appreciated his "big smile" while Hines promised to show America his "hips, swiggle and swag" right out of the gates.

Hines certainly does like to shake it! And he has some major booty to shake, too. I'm not a big NFL girl, but it was an enjoyable, crowd-pleasing number. Shades of Warren Sapp. Carrie Ann called it "the sparkliest Cha Cha I've even seen" and said it had nothing to do with the sequins. Len said it was "clean, crisp" and liked his confidence. He referenced his bum (I told you!), too. Bruno called him "so nimble, so light-footed" and loved the timing, but told him to "work on the posture". Then he scared Len with his "piston" action and sat down. Oh, Bruno, we've missed you these past months. Hines Ward and Kym Johnson's "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 7, 7, 7 = 21.

The night's biggest tearjerker followed as supermodel Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin took their introductory turn in the spotlight. Petra survived a tsunami in 2004, and was devastated by last week's earthquake in Japan. She opted to dedicate her performance to those suffering in its aftermath.

She looked lovely in her flowing purple gown and struck some beautiful poses, but seemed off-balance and tentative at times throughout their Foxtrot. Len appreciated the "charm" of the routine but told her to work on her "posture", especially given that they'll be doing the Jive next week. Bruno noted "moments of extreme beauty and sophistocation" but told her to "link everything better". Carrie Ann called Petra "absolutely stunning" but then became the lift police... but then said she wasn't going to penalize them since it's week one. Since when? She's going soft. Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin's "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 6, 6, 6 = 18.

Season two dropout rapper Romeo and partner Chelsie Hightower were up next. Romeo was pumped when he met Chelsie -- season 12 crush alert number two. He was nervous about looking uncool, but promised to try to make up for where his father had failed.

Their Cha-Cha-Cha was better than anything offered up by the notorious Master P (but then again, Kenny Mayne was better than Romeo's dad so that's not saying much). Romeo didn't bring it, but he has potential. Real potential, if he'll learn to shake it with the best of 'em. Bruno declared "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" and told him to "carry on working hard" and not be discouraged by Len. Carrie Ann said "you have sex appeal for days" but told him to work on his posture. Len praised his energy and attack, but said it felt too "casual" and "carefree". He said "you can't dance As You Like It" and told him to work on technique. Romeo and Chelsie Hightower's "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 7, 6, 6 = 19.

Boxing superstar Sugar Ray Leonard and partner Anna Trebunskaya were up next with a Foxtrot. Leonard, who asked Anna to call him just Ray, struggled during rehearsals, but declared that he was "making a comeback on the dance floor".

Oh, what to say. On one hand, I liked his smile, when he used it. And he seemed to have fun. Sometimes. And "The Power of Love" is a rockin' tune. But he just looked so nervous so much of the time that the performance felt uneven. Oh, and his neck kept disappearing. Carrie Ann appreciated how he "lit up the dancefloor" but declared "posture, posture, posture". Len said it was "beer and a pizza" instead of "fine wine and caviar", dinging him for his "dancing level". Bruno was delighted when Ray said he could call him Sugar and called his out-of-hold dance elements "sugar and spice and everything nice", but said that "in hold, you turn into a Ninja Turtle". Snort. Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna Trebunskaya's "Dancing with the Stars" premiere results: 6, 5, 6 = 17.

One of "DWTS" season 12's most hotly anticipated couples, Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel, followed with a Cha-Cha-Cha. Kendra hoped to translate her years of club dancing, booty shakin' into some refined moves. She promised to deliver a debut routine that's "classy hot" and not "club hot".

I dunno. I expected more from Kendra. (Maybe it was the Vegas betting stats.) She did a fine job and could indeed shake her moneymaker, but there were awkward parts. It was almost as if she was dancing underwater at times. Len appreciated the content of the routine and said it "held my interest from start to finish" but told her to work on her legwork. Bruno called it "a full-frontal attack to the senses" but criticized her for her bent legs. Carrie Ann praised her for tackling and mastering difficult choreography right out of the gates, but told her to work on her spots. Kendra Wilkinson and Louis van Amstel's "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 6, 6, 6 = 18.

Perhaps one of season 12's most well-known stars, "Karate Kid" Ralph Macchio, had his first turn in the ballroom next with partner Karina Smirnoff, who dubbed herself "Ms. Miyagi". His goal? To make it through the dance without winding up on a stretcher. Ha ha.

Okay, it wasn't the smoothest Foxtrot ever. But after how horribly awkward he looked in the rehearsal footage, the dance was comparatively superstar quality. He didn't fall down, he didn't look like he had to go to the bathroom. And women screamed the whole time. Methinks forever-young Ralph is a crowd fave, ladies and gents. Bruno loved his "showmanship" and praised Karina for the choreography, but called him out for having a "creepy hand". Carrie Ann called it "an amazing surprise" (she read my mind!). Len called it "a bit rough around the edges" but deemed it "the best Foxtrot of the night". Really? I mean, I was impressed, but really? Better than Chelsea? Hmm. Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff's "Dancing with the Stars" premiere results: 8, 8, 8 = 24.

It always sucks to have to follow a crowd-pleaser, but WWE star Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke were up to the task. Chris called dancing "way more difficult than I imagined" and Cheryl lamented that his muscles often made him appear neckless. (Oh, and the ladies screamed for Chris, too. A lot. Incessantly, really.)

Chris and Cheryl's Cha-Cha-Cha wasn't perfect, but it showcased the wrestler as a master performer. His enthusiasm was infectious and the dance was just plain fun. Carrie Ann called it "a Chippendales Cha-Cha" and loved how he "attacked everything", but lamented a lack of content. Len quipped "I think your hips are allergic to music" but added that it was good. Bruno called him "the dancing beast" and said he hadn't "had so much fun with leather and PVC since the Village People". Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke's "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 premiere results: 7, 6, 6 = 19.

Psycho Mike Catherwood of "Loveline" fame and partner Lacey Schwimmer were up next go dance. Mike repeatedly cited his own lack of experience with dance, responding to Lacey's assertion that "dancing is just like walking" by responding "dancing is just like walking but not at all". They'll be a funny couple. If they last.

Foxtrot was the name of the game when Mike nad Lacey turn their debut turn in the ballroom. Okay, so he's not a natural dancer. At all. It was sort of like Gilles Marini meets Kenny Mayne meet Cameron Mathison. An interesting overall effect.

Len said "dancing is movement to music, and you did move, and there was music". He told him to do a good Jive next week or it'll be "the boulevard of broken dreams". Bruno called him out for the "uncoordinated effect" and noted that at times, "you looked constipated". Oh, ouch. Week one, guys? Harsh. Carrie Ann called him "a little jerky" but called it a "good effort". Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer's "Dancing with the Stars" premiere results: 5, 4, 4 = 13.

With the first ten contestants down, only one remained: Actress Kirstie Alley and her unlikely partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Kirstie was "ecstatic" to meet Maks, and when he asked if she watched the show, she called herself "a "Dancing with the Stars" ho". Her Cha-Cha-Cha goal was to "stay upright, on my feet through the whole dance".

The "Cheers" actress had me grinning from the get-go. I'd expected Cloris Leachman and got shades of a white, grandmomish Lil Kim instead. What an awesome surprise and an even more awesome way to end the premiere. Bruno quipped "look who's dancing" and called her foot placement the best of all of the night's Cha-Cha-Chas. Carrie Ann called it "unbelievable" and thanked her for her performance. Len said it had "the feel-good factor" and enjoyed it. Go girl! Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy's "Dancing with the Stars" premiere results: 8, 7, 8 = 23.

The premiere's in the books, and it was chock-full of surprises. Ralph Macchio and Kirstie Alley surprised me with their dancing chops, and if they can keep it up in future weeks, they could both contend for Mirrorball glory. Kirstie in particular blew me out of the water with her smooth moves and musicality. Go girl! On the other end of the spectrum, I'd expected more from Kendra Wilkinson and Romeo, and was disappointed with their debut performances. Tune in next Monday for "Dancing with the Stars" 2011 week two, when the stars and their pro partners will hit the ballroom once again with all-new performances. Or you can just check in with me. You know I'll be watching.