Dancing with the Stars Season 10 Premieres - Kate Gosselin the Shopping Cart; Nicole Scherzinger on Top

Dancing with the Stars season 10 premiered Monday night on ABC as an all-new cast of celebrity wanna-be dancers took to the illustrious ballroom floor to begin the quest toward toe tappin', hip swingin', sequined glory. By night's end, tears melted a hole in Shannen Doherty's icy bad girl exterior, Pamela Anderson did a pole dance sans pole, and Kate Gosselin was likened to a shopping cart.

Call me freaktrain if you must, but I was p-u-m-p-e-d to hear those much-missed Dancing with the Stars opening bars: Dum da-dum dum dum dum dum, dum da-dum dum dum.... A little tear formed nad my heart skipped a few beats, but I got over it. After all, there was dancing to be seen! I didn't want to wind up hyperventilating on the kitchen floor when the competition got started.

Tom Bergeron opened the show by welcoming brand spankin' new co-host (and DWTS season 7 champ) Brooke Burke to the show. And then the big moment: The new cast of stars descended the steps into the ballroom. The group looked a combination of nervous, expectant and just plain awesome in their froofy sparkles. Well, except for Pamela Anderson, who looked a little drunk as she bump-rumpa-stumped her way toward the ballroom floor.

Dancing with the Stars season 10 action kicked off with NFL star Chad Ochocinco, who said he relishes his newfound ability to exercise his "creativity" somewhere that it will be appreciated. He called partner Cheryl Burke "extremely cool" and "beautiful", and it looks like the goofyish, sexyish Ochocinco could be a playa. The dynamic duo's first dance was a cha cha. The pair has good chemistry and slick stuff.

Head Judge Len Goodman called him "a rough diamond" and called the performance "a great start to the show". Bruno Tonioli said "you have a huge, huge, huge talent yet untapped" and agreed with Len's assessment. Carrie Ann Inaba said "there's some sort of raw somethin' happenin'" (hubba hubba!) and encouraged him to keep working on it. Chad and Cheryl headed over to the so-called "celebritarium", where they met with Brooke Burke. (No more Red Room, boo hoo!) Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18.

Chad and Cheryl's marks were met with boos from the audience, but Cheryl dismissed the scores, and instead expressed her appreciation for - and admiration of - her partner's efforts. Eighteen feels a little low, but like Cheryl said, they were the first ones out on the floor, so they were bound to see lower scores.

Dancing with the Stars season 10 continued on with bad girl actress Shannen Doherty and partner Mark Ballas. Shannen decided to do DWTS because her father had a stroke and asked her to do it. Awwww. So sweet. She called herself "frozen in fear" over performing live and told Mark that she'd "have hives" from nerves when show time rolls around. Oh my. The duo performed a Viennese Waltz for their first number. Shannen seemed to not quite know what to do with her arms - do they go here? There? D'oh, no, up there! Her grey and black dress was very dark-princess like, so quite in keeping with her public persona. She had moments of potential brillance, but overall, it was a bit rough around the edges and in a little too mushy in the middle.

Bruno opened the critique by calling it "a difficult piece of choreography" and noted that she was "swinging [her] arms around like a primate" (see?!) but insisted that she'd improve. Carrie Ann said "I'm really, really impressed" and praised her for getting better as the dance went along. Len told her to "lift [her] diaphragm" and "work on [her] footwork", but called it an overall good job. An emotional Shannen told Brooke that seeing her dad in the audience really got to her (and then of course the director cut to her equally emotional dad. Sheesh). Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas' Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18.

Third to hit the ballroom floor was ESPN host Erin Andrews (of peephole video infamy) and partner Maksim 'bad boy of the ballroom' Chmerkovskiy. In a humorous intro moment, Erin told Maks that she'd requested Tony (Dovolani) as her DWTS season 10 partner. Hahaha! I like Maks, but hahaha to the below-the-belt, I'm-in-charge ego hit. You da woman, Eric. You da WOman! Perfectionist Erin and hottie Maks opened their Dancing with the Stars season 10 tenure with a cha cha. Big Bird costuming aside, Erin looked pretty hot. She did, at times, seem to be moving in a sort of odd slow motion and she had a stiffness that should (I hope, barring the Shannon Elizabeth effect) diminish with experience.

Carrie Ann praised her "good moves" and said the duo's connection was solid, but told Erin to work on her arms. Len called her "a funky monkey" and praised Maks for creating "a great routine" that he called great overall. Bruno praised her "zest and vitality" but told her to "stretch the back of her legs". Err.... Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21.

Dancing with the Stars season 10 continued with Bachelor Jake Pavelka and partner Chelsie Hightower's meeting at an airport. He told her he'd hoped "it would be her". Mmm-kay. I'm resisting commentary on how ABC is whoring itself by using Jake here on DWTS. Oops, did I say that? Anyway, Jake and Chelsie danced a Viennese Waltz that was not only set to Kiss from a Rose, but also involved a rose as a prop. There's cross promotion, but dude, over-kill. Over. Kill. I was so appalled by the corniness that it was hard to pay attention to the dance. Darn you, ABC. Darn you for forcing me to rewind the DVR. It was a cute routine.

Len said "stop sticking your bum out" but also said that Jake has "great potential". Bruno called it a "really, really good effort" but accused him of being "too rough" at times, and then muttered some weird comment about how he worried Jake would "eat" Chelsie during the rumba. Carrie Ann said "I was really impressed" and called his lines "gorgeous" but agreed with Len's assessment that he needs better posture. Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 7, 6, 7 = 20.

Self-professed lover of man-slapping Niecy Nash was up next on Dancing with the Stars season 10. The comedian confessed to partner Louie van Amstel that she didn't want to "lose [her] jiggly parts" and vowed to make him pay if that happened. Go girl! Her bubbly vivaciousness and charm makes her almost impossible to dislike. The duo had good moves, good eye contact, and tons of fun. Niecy is a super cute showstopper and her sudden tearfulness was all the more endearing.

Bruno told her to "focus the performance", while Carrie Ann called it "sassy". She praised her "boogeying" and that her "booty was going'. Len called it "clean... clear and precise" but said it was "a flat cha cha cha". Ouch! It's like kicking a small animal, Len. Despite Len's harsh commentary, Niecy claimed to be grateful for the "bite of hamburger" she had before beginning her dance and dedicated her act to the big girls out there. Niecy Nash and Louie van Amstel's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 7, 5, 6 = 18.

And then... Lysacek. Going into the Dancing with the Stars season 10 premiere, figure skating champion Evan Lysacek, who won Olympic gold last month via a combination of artistry and athleticism, was the hands' down favorite to win DWTS. Is there any way he could ever live up to the hype? Ooh, nail biting. Much nail biting. He claimed to feel "a connection" with partner Anna Trebunskaya and said he was grateful that she didn't hold his win over Russian skater Evgeni Plushenko against him. Ooooooooh.

A tailed-tuxedo clad Evan Lysacek and Anna danced a Viennese Waltz to the tune of Edwin McCain's I'll Be to start their Dancing with the Stars season 10 career. With exception of some non-pointed toes, it looked good to me, but man, that studio audience ate it up in a big way. I've never heard so much whooping and hollering during a dance.

Carrie Ann said "Evan, you are good" but "you gotta watch your toes" (which I totally noticed!). Len said "you have got great artistry" and musicality and accused his tails of covering up a "clumsy bottom". Bruno told Evan "you have the wingspan of a 747" but told the couple to work on their connection. Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 8, 7, 8 = 23.

A greeting from the International Space Station introduced the Dancing with the Stars season 10 debut of astronaut Buzz Aldrin and partner Ashly Costa. The 80-year old Buzz cautioned against underestimating him, and went on to further deny his chronological age by referring to Ashly as "a really cute babe". Their cha cha... do I really have to talk about it? It was, well, remember Cloris Leachman. Yeah. But less obnoxious and more cute in a befuddled, 'oh, I guess my foot should go there' kind of way.

Len commended him for his bravery, but called the dance less than good. Bruno waxed "how could I possibly criticize a hero and a legend?" but went on to do it anyway, with "it looked like you had your moon boots on". Carrie Ann called him "my cute little moonwalker" and praised him for inspiring viewers. Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 5, 4, 5 = 14.

Dancing with the Stars' luckiest man alive Derek Hough was up next in the ballroom with pop star slash Pussycat Dolls lead singer Nicole Scherzinger. "Sir Derek and Lady Nicole" started their DWTS tenure with a Viennese Waltz that was, not terribly surprisingly, very good. The fun-loving couple needs to work on their connection and chemistry, but they have the basics needed to be a serious threat in the season 10 competition.

Bruno called it "a performance of startling finesse" and claimed to be "astounded". Carrie Ann announced "the bar has just been set for season 10" and called it the best out-of-the-gate performance ever. Len was a bit harsher, lowering the boom on Nicole's footwork and musicality. But then he backpedaled and called it great. How odd. Uh-oh, I think we have our Mya of Dancing with the Stars season 10! You know, the contestant who can never please Len: The hot pop star who blows Carrie Ann and Bruno's expectations out of the water but can't get high enough on her tippy-toes to even touch Len's. Nicole called the competition "a far cry from chest pumps and booty" dancing. Hahaha! Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 9, 7, 9 = 25.

From one sort of sexy to another, Dancing with the Stars season 10 continued with soap star Aiden Turner and partner slash DWTS mainstay Edyta Sliwinska. I so wanted Aiden to be a hottie-cotati dance killa just because he's such tremendous eye-candy, and he was okay, but not 'knock it out of the park, whoa baby, gimme more of that" awesome. All else aside, they do make a sexy couple. Wooooo for that. Their cha cha... hmm.

Carrie Ann called it "really disjointed", and Len, from Englishman to Englishman, said "for me, this rountine was full of everything I don't like". Bruno called it "Kenny Mayne all over again". Ooooh, Bruno, that's harsh. At least Aiden is easy on the eyes. Kenny was just... well, Kenny was... er. Well, Google it. You'll see. Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 5, 5, 5 = 15. Oof.

And then it was Kate, one of the most hotly polarizing contestants of Dancing with the Stars season 10. Kate Gosselin, mom of eight, ex of douchebag skirt-chasing Jon and partner Tony Dovolani hit the floor with a Viennese Waltz set to Always a Woman. It was a very technical routine, a little too mechanical, but as a mom and non-Kate hater, I appreciated her efforts. (But the boobs freaked me out a little.)

Len called nerves Kate's "stumbling block" and encouraged her to "enjoy the experience". Bruno called the technique "terrible" and said "it looked like Tony was pushing a shopping cart around the floor". Carrie Ann called her "very different" than the usual DWTS contestant, and praised her "sweet vulnerability". Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 6, 5, 5 = 16.

The Dancing with the Stars season 10 premiere concluded with actress and former Baywatch Babe Pamela Anderson, who claimed "I have no rhythm, I'm tone deaf, but I like music". Pam hit the ballroom floor with DWTS pro newbie Damian Whitewood performing a cha cha cha. Holy big hair, Batman. That sucker was on the edge all-around. She can shake it. But man, that was like sex on stage. Get that girl a pole.

Bruno said "I can only think of sex, sex and more sex. Stripperella is back home, do it to me girl". Carrie Ann said she'd most wanted to see Pam on the dancefloor and praised her for having fun, but called it "a little much". Len called the overall cast "brilliant" but called Pam's dance "a mess". Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood's Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one scores: 7, 6, 8 = 21.

With the Dancing with the Stars season 10 premiere officially in the books, there's so much to chew on. First off, and just because it's fresh in my mind, Pamela Anderson is hilarious. Crazy super sexy but without the stripper pole. She can do those Latin numbers, but will she be able to reel it in enough to maintain a hold for Ballroom? Hmmmmm. I felt badly for Kate Gosselin when Bruno likened her to a shopping cart, but I also laughed my buns off, too. Hey, it's funny. Maybe the best remark of the night.

I'm still sticking with my original Evan Lysacek and Nicole Scherzinger as favorites attitude; they both delivered good routines. If Evan can take off the mental boots and point those toes, he could be truly fab. Nicole... well, she's already conquered one mountain by delivering a lovely ballroom routine. And Len is already her nemesis. It bodes well for her, really. Len gave Mya a hard time last season, yet she got all the way to the finale. The cranky Brit likes to beat on the best, so it's a mark in her favor.

There's no Dancing with the Stars elimination show this week, so tune in next Monday for more action from the eleven celebs and their pro partners. Or you can just check in with me. You know I'll be watching.

Sources

Dancing with the Stars season 10 week one broadcast, ABC, March 22, 2010