Dancing with the Stars Week 5 Results: Who Went Home on DWTS Season 9?

Dancing with the Stars week 5 came to a close this evening with the usual hoopla, fun and fanfare. The elimination show featured a moving tribute to the late pop superstar Michael Jackson as well as individual recollections of his contributions to Dancing with the Stars over the years, music by Norah Jones, and oh, another star was given the boot from DWTS season 9 competition. And this one's a big, huge enormous shocker. Really, I'm reeling.

(Before I delve into glittery, glitzy and generously sequined Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 goodness, I need to devote a moment to my reader Liz, who left me a question on yesterday's DWTS week 5 recap article. 'Liz' (just Liz, apparently, making it extremely easily to find her) asked who designed judge Carrie Ann Inaba's dress. Awesome question! I thought as I read the query. That's some good thinkin'. The answer? I haven't the foggiest idea. And on top of that, I can't remember what Carrie Ann's dress looked like. D'oh. Color? Nope. Cut? Not a clue. But I'm curious. Almost curious enough to look it up on YouTube. But naw. So sorry Liz, but I don't know the answer to your great question. Which brings me to my next point: If you have a question for me, the mommy-goggled DWTS fan, feel free to leave it below, and I'll answer it (to the best of my abilities, of course) in my next edition. So there ya go. Ask away. Digression over. Nothing more to see here. Move along.)

The Dancing with the Stars week 5 results show started off (as elimination shows are wont to do) with a recap of last night's DWTS season 9 action. The most ridiculous bit of the bunch? Donny Osmond turning to partner Kym Johnson during their confessional post-dance and spluttering (in oddly believable tones) "I can't believe we're on the top of the leaderboard.... I feel like we're contenders now". Aw, come on, Donny. As if you're not the foregone winner of the whole shebang. I've said it before but it bears repetition: If Marie Osmond could make it all the way to third place, Donny Osmond should win Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 hands, fists, knuckles, thumbs and pinky fingers down.

Appropriately, given my little rant above, head judge Len Goodman followed up the recap segment by asking Donny and Kym to dance their Argentine Tango as the week's encore performance. Steamy McSteamy.

The DWTS tribute to Michael Jackson then began, as co-host Tom Bergeron noted that 17 (wow, that's a lot!) of the pop superstar's songs had been used during the course of Dancing with the Stars. The first dance reviewed was one by season three contestant Monique Coleman and partner Louie van Amstel, who strutted their stuff to the peppy ABC. Sniff.

Sultry songstress Norah Jones took to the Dancing with the Stars week 5 results show stage after a break. I liked her simple black dress. I don't know who designed it (sorry Liz!), but it's cool. The pro dancers, though... not sure what to make of their get-ups. It was almost like something out of that Tim Burton flick Nightmare Before Christmas. At least I think that's the right one. Weird foofy white dresses paired with equally weird black leggings. Not sure what to make of it.

Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 co-host Samantha Harris took over when Jones finished singing, and noted that Norah's next album is due out November 17th. Coolio. But I was happier to see that Samantha's hair wasn't scary again tonight. Seriously, that chia-Halloween wig do from last night? It would scare my kids. Then there was a totally gratuitious 'oh no, we have 30 seconds to kill' recorded segment featuring the contestants' blah blah blahing about not wanting to go home. Paired with dramatic music. Okey doke. Enough of that. DWTS season 9 elimination action... finally. Tom noted that last night's three highest scorers - Iron Chef America star Mark Dacascos, Donny Osmond and singer Mya - were on stage awaiting their fates. Niiiiice. Mark and partner Lacey were the first to be proclaimed safe, as were Donny and Kym and Mya and partner Dmitry Chaplin. Well DUH. Tsk tsk, Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 producers! Trying to create drama where there is none. Of course these three couples were going to be safe! Ever since Sabrina Bryan was grievously eliminated during the 5th week of DWTS competition several seasons ago, they've played on our emotions with their elimination chicanery. Tsk tsk tsk.

The DWTS Michael Jackson tribute continued with another MJ dance recollection. This time, it was a dance done to PYT by Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas during DWTS season 8. Ballas called Jackson "an inspiration to all of us". Yup. Methinks we'll be hearing a lot of that tonight. A whole lot. (Hey, go easy there! I didn't say it wasn't well-deserved. Just an observation, grasshopper.)

A break and then... really? Seriously? A segment about the Dancing with the Stars Monday morning routine? Ooohkay. May as well recap it, given that this is, well, a recap. Apparently Kelly Osbourne likes to make the rounds and talk to everyone. I believe that. Mya's favorite part of the day is going to wardrobe for her final fitting. And Donny's favorite place is backstage. Yeah, Donny is clearly a showman. He's hosted a talk show. He sounds like he's hosting a talk show. A'ight, enough of that. More DWTS season 9 elimination action! Model Joanna Krupa and partner Derek Hough and singer Aaron Carter and partner Karina Smirnoff were placed in the dreaded 'in jeopardy!' box, while Kelly Osbourne and Louie van Amstel were proclaimed safe. I though Aaron was going to pee in his pants. Not a pretty face, dude. Breathe in, breathe out... like I told ya last week, the chicks don't dig whining.

Another DWTS Michael Jackson recollection came next; this time, it was Warren Sapp and Kym Johnson's canary yellow romp to Blame it on the Boogie from DWTS season 7. Kym said "it's such an honor to do a tribute to Michael Jackson.... He gave the world so much happiness and joy". I really have to stop pausing the DVR so hear the pros' comments.

Post break, Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 week 5 elimination show continued with more results. NFL star Michael Irvin and partner Anna Demidova were proclaimed safe (whaaa?) while Olympian Natalie Coughlin and partner Alec Mazo were crammed into the Jeopardy Box. (I'm starting to feel a restless hostility toward Michael Irvin. Dude, why is he still here?) Norah Jones took to the DWTS stage once again, this time with a rendition of her super smash Come Away with Me. Aw, super cute DWTS pro couple Anna Trebunskaya and hubby Jonathan Roberts accompanied her with a floaty, fun and happy dance. How can a dance be 'happy'? Beats me. It just looked happy to me. I'm almost overwhelmed by the cuteness. Love them. And love how they kept swaying even after the music ended!

This has nothing to do with Dancing with the Stars, but ABC took the opportunity to pimp the Michael Jackson : This is It movie that's coming out on October 28. Which prompted my husband to say "it's really strange what's happened posthumously with him". I didn't ask what he meant. Cryptic is good.

After a break, Dancing with the Stars season 9 returned with more results. Snowboarder Louie Vito and partner Chelsie Hightower were proclaimed safe, and actress Melissa Joan Hart and partner Mark Ballas were relegated to the Danger Zone. Oooooh, mama-friend. Oooh, oooh, oooh.

The Dancing with the Stars Michael Jackson tribute continued with a segment featuring commentary from numerous DWTS pros, including Derek Hough, Tony Dovolani, Karina Smirnoff, Mark Ballas, Cheryl Burke and Maskim Chmerkovskiy. Also featured were Michael's siblings LaToya and Jermaine, who had some seriously sweet, tear-jerking things to say. It's no wonder Jermaine wears those dark sunglasses. Then LaToya Jackson, who I might add bears an almost haunting resemblance to Michael (blue mermaid gown discounted), gave a spoken introduction to the DWTS pro dancers' tribute to her brother.

And then the true DWTS Michael Jackson tribute, the DWTS week 5 Macy*s Stars of Dance routine, got started. Mark Ballas and Karina Smirnoff got things started to the tune of I Want You Back, and Derek Hough quickly joined in. Then 6 more pros (I tried to write their names, but found that I just wrote 'Chelsie Hightower' and 'Dmitry Chapin' three times each, so I gave up) continued the tribute with a routine set to one of my personal Michael Jackson faves, Man in the Mirror. Then it was Thriller-time with Louie van Amstel, Cheryl Burke and a flock of red-jacketed, white socked pro guys and black-leather glad gals. And woooo! The real, live Thriller dance. Too cool. I would've gotten emotional for it but my sillyhead hubby decided to start cackling and ruined the moment. Blech! The tribute to MJ was slick, fun, nostalgic inducing and not long enough. They should've shelved that stupid Monday morning segment and made the tribute longer! Clearly, I should be in charge of this show.

Dancing with the Stars Fall 2009 returned from a break with more actual elimination action. Phew. It sure takes forever to get to this every week. Tom and Samantha and that blasted dramatic music tortured the four Danger Zone dwellers for a minute before Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas as well as Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough were proclaimed safe, leaving Natalie Coughlin and Aaron Carter in the bottom two. Tom turned to Bruno Tonioli and asked for his thoughts, and of course, the crazy Italian was shocked. Carrie Ann said she was "very disappointed" to see Natalie in the bottom two. Len Goodman said "these two couples definitely don't deserve to be in the bottom two". I agree with Cranky Pants. Then the drama. And Natalie Coughlin was eliminated, prompting a disgusted "that sucks!" from my husband. OH. MY. GOSH. That's insanity. Her parting words? Natalie APOLOGIZED to America for not showing how much she loved the DWTS competition. Breaks my heart. This IS nearly as tragic as the afore(and oft) mentioned early elimination of Sabrina Bryan.

America, you're bloody freaking stupid. For SHAME!

That's right, folks: I'm fired up. Miss Mama here is fired up, pissed off, angry. That poor girl looked like she was going to cry, all because America is stupid. Making Natalie Coughlin cry is like shooting Bambi's mother. I'm looking at you, crazy NFL fans. Stop voting for Michael Irvin. He sucks. And Louie Vito? Totally cute. Love his cuteness. But dude, my 3-year old could tell you that Natalie is a better dancer. Sigh. I'm out of energy now. I have a cold and I'm tired. And now I'm sad. Sigh.

So it's on a sad note that I sign off. Dancing with the Stars week 5 is in the books. I don't like what happened, but hey, I'm just one person. Apparently there's a whole lotta Stupid out there watching and voting.

Remember to tune in next Monday night for the next installment of DWTS season 9. Or you can just check in with me. You know I'll be watching. (I'm sure the sadness will pass by then.)