Dancing with the Stars Week 9 Results : Why Joanna Krupa Didn't Make the Finals

The Dancing with the Stars week 9 results show aired this evening on ABC. It featured performances by Alicia Keys, Leona Lewis, the BeeGees and former DWTS celeb Melissa Rycroft. And of course, the night could never be complete without the elimination of another celebrity, all the more heartbreaking this week as the celeb in question missed out on the season 9 finals by just one week. So what happened? Read on for the juice box contents from this mama-fan, including my rationale for why the eliminated celeb failed to advance.

The DWTS semifinal results show action got started with the week's encore dance, Mya and Dmitry Chaplin's Salsa. Head judge Len Goodman said the dance "showcased Mya's fantastic talent" and then went on to once again reference the singer's "tooty fruity booty". Next up, co-host Tom Bergeron reviewed last night's week 9 performance show action. Oof, it was painful to see Entertainer Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson so upset over their first failed dance last night, especially when the other three celebs did so well with their dances. Then it was time for some results action! Uh... no. It was a horrible, horrible tease. "And the first couple safe to dance in next week's finals is..." going to be revealed later. Bah!

After a break, the Dancing with the Stars semifinal results show continued with a segment featuring the remaining celebs' thoughts on their competition. Mya praised model Joanna Krupa's lines, while reality TV star Kelly Osbourne said she thought she'd never seen Mya make a mistake. Donny called Kelly "an elegant woman" and said she "needs to believe she can win this thing". Mya said she thought Donny's biggest problem was with his wardrobe, referencing last night's disaster with Kym's dress. Samantha Harris then spoke with the four celebs in the Red Room. Kelly said she'd be happy and proud of herself no matter what happens tonight, and Joanna said the name of her own experience. Mya said she appreciated the fans keeping her in the competition, while Donny said the biggest struggle of the late stages of DWTS season 9 for him was being surrounded by "so much estrogen". Har har.

Up next Tom introduced a theateresque number entitled Be Italian. Apparently it's from a movie that's going to be released later this year. I think, anyway. I'm tired tonight so the ears may've missed the precise details. Sorry. You can Google it. It was interesting: A bunch of dancers slash theatrical types decked out in black and red, bathed in red light. I'm not really much for people writhing around on the floor in fishnets, but whatever floats your boat.

Singer Alicia Keys was up next on the Dancing with the Stars week 9 results show, singing Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart from her album The Element of Freedom. Alicia was looking pretty casz (you know, the shortened version of casual? I have no idea how to spell that. Cajjj? Caszh?) in skintight medium blue pants and matching boots, a black sleeveless leather number, and tight black pleathery-looking shorts. (I know that sounds hideous but somehow, it worked for her. I have no idea how she pulled off that black-and-blue potential atrocity, but she did it. I never once had the urge to cover my eyes and run screaming from the room.) Anyway, it was a good performance. Strong. Yup.

After Keys finished her song, a really odd music video featuring the remaining four celebs lip synching to the 80s Queen/David Bowie collaboration Under Pressure aired. I don't know what the DWTS producers are thinking when they put these things together. Amusing but so darn weird. Post-weirdness, Mya and Dmitry were proclaimed safe to dance in next week's Dancing with the Stars finals, while Joanna and Derek were told they'd find out their collective fate later. Shocking! I love it when they state the obvious early on. (Watch out for drops of sarcasm. I feel 'em flowin' a-plenty tonight.)

Another torturous commercial break followed, and once it was over, songstress Leona Lewis (to me, most notable for Bleeding Love and the incredible Chelsie and Mark performance on So You Think You Can Dance a few seasons ago) took to the stage on the Dancing with the Stars week 9 results show. She sang Happy, the first single from her new album. Leona stood center-stage on a little round platform while she sang. Cool, yes. But the set-up coupled with her short cream dress really emphasized her thick calves. I have no idea why she does things like that. She's so gorgeous but she doesn't make the greatest wardrobe choices. Oh well. Cool song.

Then... more results! More results! Much to my surprise (and my heart is still thumping oddly in my throat even now, a few minutes later), Donny and Kym were proclaimed safe to dance in next week's Dancing with the Stars season 9 finals. Wow! While I expected the Osmond Machine to pull it out in a sort of amorphous, undefined way, part of me also DIDN'T expect it. (Confused yet?) I'm glad to see him get a chance to go for the Tacky Trophy next week. Kym just needs to make sure her hems are fully sewn before they take to the ballroom floor.

The Dancing with the Stars week 9 results show returned frmo yet another mind-numbing break with a performance by the legendary BeeGees. They sang (or maybe squeaked is a better word for it?) You Should be Dancing. And oddly enough, they built on Alicia Keys' unusual black and blue color scheme. (Insert Twilight Zone music here. Seriously, two different musical acts choosing an odd color combo?) Pro DWTS dancers Cheryl Burke, Chelsie Hightower, Tony Dovolani and some dude I didn't recognize did some fancy footwork on the dancefloor. DWTS season 8 third place finisher Melissa Rycroft joined in near the end of the routine. In bare feet. Hmm. Good stuff, good stuff.

Next up came the obligatory 'this is what we've done' and 'these are what the big challenges are' segment that Dancing with the Stars loves to include around this time in any given season. I think I nodded off. Sorry. But my antennae perked back up again when the dramatic music started playing. I thought 'wheeee! Time for more juice!' only to have my hopes dashed when Tom cruelly put it off for another agonizing commercial break. Poor Kelly. She looks like she's going to vomit standing right there on the stage. And that goon Derek Hough is standing there like a grinning idiot.

The final blow of the evening was dealt when the Dancing with the Stars week 9 results show returned from a break and someone's coffin was nailed shut. But first, Tom turned to the judges' table and asked for their thoughts. Len called Kelly "wonderful" and said Joanna had been "the most consistent" dancer of all. He called the loss of either celeb a sad one. And then... Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough were eliminated from the Dancing with the Stars season 9 competition. Breaking with the usual DWTS custom, Tom then asked the couple to perform their fabulous Viennese Waltz one more time.

It may be in the books, but I don't have to be happy about these results. As a matter of fact, they piss me off. Joanna Krupa deserved to be in the finals. She deserved to take a shot at the Mirrorball Trophy. I'm sad for her and for Derek (although he's a total goofball) and feel like they were robbed, even though the more I thought on it, the more I saw this coming. Mya was a given for the finale. Donny? He's an Osmond. Of course he was going to move forward. Kelly... mixed feelings here. Very, very mixed. I think it's great that she's learned so much from being on Dancing with the Stars, but the way I see it, the gig's up. She's now gone beyond her expiration date at the expense of poor Joanna, who is a superior dancer.

So why did Joanna get the boot? Well, for one thing, she's a model. Despite her mad skills, part of me is stunned that she made it as far as she did in the competition. Models don't usually have big fan bases, unless their last names are Bundchen or Banks or Moss. But the more sinister reason? Because she's posed for Playboy, and certain segments of the American voting population don't like her for that. Know what? I'm not into Playboy at all. I think it's trashy and that looking at porn is a slippery slope. But that has nothing to do with Joanna Krupa being a good dancer or worthy of making the Dancing with the Stars season 9 finale. I'd never NOT vote for her because she posed for Playboy, but there are plenty of folks out there who zeroed in on that precise reason for leaving her out of next week's fanfare. To those people, who based their decision to vote against her solely on her past as a Playboy model, I say shame on you.

So that's it from this Dancing with the Stars fan. Be sure to tune in next week for the Dancing with the Stars season 9 finals! With Kelly Osbourne, Donny Osmond and Mya as the final three standing, things are sure to get interesting. Or you can just check in with me. You know I'll be watching.