Danica Patrick's Temper Tantrum: "Nobody Puts Baby in 18th Place!"

Did you get the "Dirty Dancing" reference in the title? Was it stupid? I thought so. Moving on…

Danica Patrick. Oh, Danica Patrick. If you missed Danica Patrick's freak-out recently after an IRL event, you really missed something special. She literally stomped her feet and threw her hands down like a small child. It seemed to be as she sulked by herself but whenever someone tried to approach her, she launched into a frenzy like a cornered wolverine. Apparently, she ran out of gas and didn't think this was her fault…I guess the gas gage was broken. She finished 18th in a field of 19 racers. How would you like to be the guy who lost to the girl who ran out of gas? Ouch.

I happen to be of the faction who finds racecar driving immensely silly and basically unwatchable. For as big a soccer critic as I have been in the past, I have to say that a NASCAR or IRL event makes a futball match feel like being at Yankee Stadium for Babe Ruth's called shot. In other words, shit be damn boring.

So you can't fault someone like Danica Patrick or the egomaniacs that probably created her. The IRL is the redheaded stepchild to the prom king NASCAR. Danica Patrick isn't a neat little circus attraction; she's the whole show. At this point she's as necessary as the cars themselves. I don't know why NASCAR trumps Indy Car so viciously in terms of popularity. If I had to watch one of the two, I would most likely pick Indy, and not just because of Danica Patrick- the cars look cooler too.

So let's talk about Danica Patrick and her "looks". It wouldn't be fair to call her the Anna Kournikova of racing because (without sounding like a total sexist pig) Kournikova is just way hotter. Kournikova was basically a model who was way better than average at tennis. She liked dating Enrique Iglesias and going to parties much more than whatever the ATP had planned for the weekend. With Danica Patrick, however, you never get that feeling, and this has nothing to do with integrity, or lack thereof.

It's not that Danica Patrick isn't pretty, she is. She's very good-looking, but when she's done up in a bikini and makeup she looks like Pat Buchanan in drag, which is to say: forced. For some reason, and I'm completely speculating here, it seems all Patrick wants to do his race cars and this whole Maxim/FHM rage is the design of her handlers. Listen to her talk about racing, there is a general enthusiasm there. And then take a look at her bikini photos, look into her eyes, see the forced sexy look.

For some reason, America sexualizes our attractive female athletes…and this isn't just the fault of the American male mindset, Maxim or greedy agents. This is Danica Patrick's fault too. If you're more comfortable in the driver's seat of a fast car than in a bathing suit at a photo shoot, then that's where you belong.