Dark Horse: 11 New Nickelback Classics!

Let it be known that Chad Kroeger is a horny Canadian motherf**ker.

I know this because I can smell my own (minus the Canadian part) and I also conducted painstaking research that led me to this conclusion. My first clue that the lascivious lead singer of Nickelback highly enjoys vag and throat love can be summed up by the subtle title of Dark Horse's opening track:

Something in Your Mouth.

Wow. Not since Whitesnake's Slide It In or Kiss' Lick it Up has there been a more overt song title.

Here's a snippet of lyrical genius:

You're so much cooler when you never pull it out

Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

Are You F---ing Kidding Me?

Oh, if you need proof that Chad does not have a banana in his pocket (but he is tremendously glad to see you) they also have a song called I'd Come For You and S.E.X. to really drive the point home. I was hoping the final track was going to an epic 10 minute mash up called Come For Mouth Sex. It was not.

Listen, I miss the hedonistic heyday of 80's hard rock where every song was a misogynistic masterpiece and everything could be solved with motorcycles, leather, and pyro. Nickelback is a protooled, guitars-filtered-through-a-billion-IBM-processor-version of those Hairbanger Ball-type songs but they cross into Spinal Tap territory a bit too often. In Mr. Kroeger's world, the only women that exist on Earth are stripping gold-digging nymphomaniacs that are only off their knees for 8 minutes a day.

It sounds fantastic.

Except of course, on the radio-baiting-bubblegum-ballads. I find it endlessly amusing imagining the 47 year old housewife that purchases Dark Horse for the sweet sentiment of Gotta Be Somebody and ends up listening to Shakin' Hands, an ode to an exotic dancer who blows judges and congressman in the Champagne Room "making six figures workin' three days a week." Chris Rock said "there is no sex in the Champagne Room." This statement has been proven false.

In addition, it should be known that Nickelback are even cockier than the authors of RUFKM. This can be easily understood as their last album All The Right Reasons was the biggest selling rock album for over 2 years. However, I witnessed an entirely unreached level of confidence in the musical world when I spotted their new release at Best Buy that was emblazoned with the following sticker:

"11 New Nickelback Classics!"

There are several problems with this statement beginning with the fact that it's an oxymoron and makes my brain slowly melt and drip out my ears. This is the same thing as reaching into the fridge for a refreshing can of New Classic Coke. It is the thing that cannot be.

Now, this statement of "11 classics" would be completely acceptable if Dark Horse contained about 35 songs. Nickleback hits about .400 on each album which is a great bating average, but for a band? Not so much.

The exception to this rule was their last monster album For All The Right Reasons. Up until that point I was never a Nickelback fan and equated their output to the same product I leave floating in the toilet after a big bowl of Flax Crunch and my third cup of java. However, I purchased the album after hearing Animals and Photograph. This album did not disappoint and it found itself in heavy rotation both my car and in my earbuds at the gym.

It was because of this new (sort of) appreciation of Nickelback that I was extremely interested in how Dark Horse would sound after I read that superproducer "Mutt" Lange was enlisted on the project since "Mutt" has produced some of the largest selling, sonically pleasing albums ever (Hysteria, Back in Black) and used to bang (and produce) Shania Twain. The man is a recluse who crawls out of the forest about once a decade, gets involved

in something that sells a billion copies, and then runs naked back into the wild. The results could only be spectacular, right? It will be like Def Leppard but with a Canadian singing whose last name always makes me want to go grocery shopping! How could anything go wrong!

After a few listens, I have determined that there are about 4 decent songs and by "decent" I mean "compared to the rest of them."

Here they are:

Something in your mouth
Burn it to the ground
Shakin' hands
This afternoon

Is it awful? Maybe. Is it worth the 10 million they probably spent on "Mutt?" Hell no. Is it disappointing? Absolutely. But don't take my word for it, buy it. If you decide to get this album just know that they are short about 11 classics and you can always do one thing to make yourself feel better after your purchase.

Blame Canada.