Dark Night of the Soul

An endless stream of doubt flows through my mind. Question after question haunts me. Why God? Why me? Can I ever truly be all that you have called me to be? Is it possible? Do I have what it takes? Isn't there anyone else? Someone better? Surely, you know that I am not capable. That I'm not good enough. I can't do it God. I just can't. Were you not there in my past? Did you not see my mistakes? My failures? My shame? And look at me now. My faith has wavered, my strength has weakened, and my hope all but evaporated. So much anger I have towards myself. Why can't I be better? Why do I continue to make the same mistakes? Where is my miracle? When is it my turn? How long will I remain the same? Are you even there? Do you hear me? Answer me, please! Why do you remain silent? Please, God. Don't you care?

3:00 AM

For hours I rage and bombard God with questions until there are only tears. Silent tears of the soul that wrack my body. Tears of shame and guilt. They stream down my face and soak my pillow. Words now seem to escape me and all that's left is a silence so deep I can feel it it my spirit. I am filled with a resounding sense of loneliness and now the tears begin to flow all the more. My condemnation consumes me and pain is it's result. Pain that I am unable to express. Pain that I'm sure no one else has ever felt. A feeling of emptiness is all that I have left. I am alone and my tears are my only comfort. I can't help but ask myself, why hasn't God come to me? Doesn't He see my distress? Didn't He say that He would never leave me? Then why do I still feel alone? Where is He? Why hasn't He come? Why?

5:00 AM

The tears have subsided and as I close my eyes for just a moment I am suddenly aware of a soothing quiet. And then, in the stillness I hear Him say, "My child, My love. I am here. Right where I have always been since before you were born. Please, know that I have always heard you and never have I turned my ear from you. I love you so much and I have seen your tears. Even now, I hold them in My hands. Give Me your heart and let Me heal it. Only then can we move on to your future. I know that you don't understand and that you just can't see all that I can. But I encourage you to hold fast to your faith and know that I am always here. My love, cast your cares on Me for I will carry them for you. Remain steadfast in My will and let me take you to your destiny, for I have already been there and I know the way. Always remember that there is therefore now no condemnation to them that dwell in Me.You must let go of your fears and doubts and stop letting your past keep you from the future I have for you. My mercy and grace flow freely toward you. You need only receive them."

7:00 AM

His words fill my spirit and I am refreshed. I am filled with a new sense of confidence and assurance. Assurance that all will be well and that my destiny is well within reach. "Okay God," I say to Him, "I will hold fast to Your words. Although I cannot see all that You have planned I know that You are not slack concerning your promises. Your word tells me that you are faithful to complete that which You have begun in me and I will stand on this. I accept Your purpose for me and all that it entails. I am ready to begin again." I am suddenly washed in a wave of peace deep within in my soul and He says, "Rest now My Child. Long and hard was the battle you fought tonight and great was your victory." I open my eyes one last time and I see the glorious rays of sunlight peeking through my window. I feel their magnificent warmth upon my face and a sigh of satisfaction escapes my throat and a smile claims my mouth as at last sleep descends upon me. Finally, morning has arrived and it has brought with it......my joy.