Darna, My 70's Television Hero

The last time you were stuck in traffic, did you ever feel really bored, and wished you were able to fly away from it all? When this happens, I recommend rolling down the car window and shouting this one word of power:

Darna!

At this point, any Filipinos reading this would probably chuckle. Satisfied my job was done, I could end this article right here. But I understand some of you are unfortunately not Filipino (imagine my surprise) , so a little cultural education is in order.

If you are not Filipino, or if you are Filipino but did not grow up in the 70's, Darna is the greatest female super hero in all Filipino literature (read: comics) and has been made into several major motion pictures. She was even bigger than--would you believe it-- Jezebel the Mermaid ! She was created in the fifties(possibly earlier), but my generation remembers her best from the old movies they showed on television when school was out.

Darna is our local version of Wonder Woman, complete with the requisite bracelets and go-go boots that no super heroine should be without. Instead of mere tiara, she has a winged headband with a bronze disk roughly the size of a Big Mac burger patty just above her forehead. No large hairdo for this flyer, when a sleek swimming-cap has better aerodynamics. And instead of a star-spangled pair of daisy-duke shorts, it's a plain red bikini bottom with a narrow sash hanging down the front, curtain-like, to about knee-level. I don't know why, but it reminds me of a toilet paper dispenser.

Her alter ego is in most versions a little cripple girl who sells newspapers. At the first sign of civilians in trouble, she would run, or limp really quickly, into an alley, and place a magic pebble in her mouth (no, really). And guess what she shouted:

Darna!

Thus the little lame newspaper girl would transform into... a 60's cage dancer that young boys can watch without getting yelled at! The whole family loved watching her. She was the modern woman, strong, empowered, purposeful (read: she had catfights while wearing what essentially is a bathing suit with drapery). The downside was that she can fly away whenever duty called. Or if there was an upcoming scene that showcased her superhuman powers.

One such scene that made an impression on me was while she was flying high above the city rooftops, her super hearing and vision pick up a domestic disturbance. This is actually easy for Darna because the call for help is a solitary shout ("Help!") that has visible soundwaves travelling, like giant concentric parentheses, towards our heroine. She has but to follow the trail downwards, and go diving down into the heart of danger. In this case, it is a man and a woman having a loud argument in their home.

Darna lands just short of the front door, and finding it locked, leaps straight in. Instead of a huge crash and a gratuitous shower of splinters all over the place, there is a precise, Darna-shaped plank of wood that falls out of the door, and clatters onto the ground. You could even clearly make out the loincloth/sash in the silhouette. Obviously this woman's underwear is made of carbon-reinforced steel, at least. Landing in the living room, Darna is in her ready-to-fight pose. And so is the accurately-cut hole in the door, through which she carefully steps back out when she is done saving the day (i.e. kicking the man's butt). Throughout the whole thing, the actress playing Darna does not even crack a smile, keeping grimly professional about the whole door-busting business. My friends and I on the other hand, laughed so hard we lost the ability to speak, breathe or even keep our pants dry for the next minute or two.

You just don't have that kind of entertainment nowadays. No human could even do that kind of heroic feat. Or could they? I decided to test such a strong theory for myself this morning. For my attempt I used my own bedroom door. I backed up about twenty feet, did a few jumping jacks and some leg-stretching for all the good it might do (you never know) and commenced the experiment.

I popped an M&M into my mouth.

"Darna!"

Running full-tilt down the hallway, I smashed into the door with a loud "BLAM!" and bounced back five or six feet, landing on my, err, back. I picked up the M&M off the floor and tried again.

Walking back a little more than twenty feet, I figured the underwear silhouette didn't show up because I was wearing short pants. I wisely decided to take them off.

"Darna!"

More than halfway through my sprint, I tripped on our partially deaf eleven-year old dog, who just woke up and tried to follow me to the door. She let out a yelp, and as she tried to jump out of the way, her body lifted my feet sideways about half a meter. I landed several inches short of my target after completing exactly half a somersault. The door obstinately stayed closed.

This was harder than I thought. But as scientific law will tell you, Third Time's the Charm. I replace the now-gray M&M in my mouth, clear the hallway of any dogs and other things that might unpleasantly end up underfoot, and make for one last attempt.

"Darna!"

I run full speed, and make it all the way to the door! I launch myself forward, steeling my body for the impact. My son, who unbeknownst to me had been playing in the bedroom, opens the door to see what all the noise is about. I snag the doorknob with my ribs, rotate in midair like a broken World War I fighter plane (only louder), and crash into the storage bin next to the bed. I accidentally swallow the M&M. My son asks why I'm in my underwear.

From this experiment, I conclude that I should no longer laugh at that burger-patty metal disk on her forehead, because it makes a lot more sense now than I first thought. I'll make a mental note to wear one next time.

In the meantime, whenever you're stuck in traffic again, keep watching the skies, and keep your ears alert. If you hear someone yell "Darna!" somewhere nearby, you can be reassured she's protecting the local citizenry, defending them from aliens, loud domestic arguments, or teaching them the basics of forehead-protection. Either that, or someone else has already read this article. For liberty, justice, and a damage-free head, I have already done my part.