DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) Wants Remote Controlled Sharks

The Pentagon's gurus of DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) have decided it's high time some fish lost their minds - and placed them into the hands of the military. Their scientists are now implanting neural transmitters into the brains of sharks with the intent of turning them into stealth technology. After all, what enemy vessel captain is going to slow his ship and send crew members out to closely examine a shark's head for signs that it's trailing them because it's an American covert fish?

You can't argue with logic like that. You can wonder about the sanity of the person advancing the argument, but debate the logic? With a mad scientist who has his own push button shark? I'll pass.

The price of this "advanced project?" That's classified, I'm afraid. As are costs for the proposed "remote controlled rubble rats." The Pentagon plans to program rodents to find people trapped beneath whatever's just been blown up, blown down, blown over or blown apart. Yeah, when I have the remains of a building on my chest, please send Randy the Cyborg Rat in to lick my face and squeak for help. That's just what I'm going to want. While you're at it, why not send in a snake to administer first aid and some nice huge, hairy spiders with tiny brandy kegs around their necks, okay?

Of course, the proposed development of explosive detecting bees may make this scenario less likely. No, I'm not making this up. The Pentagon wants to train bees to sound the alert when an explosive device may be lurking. Whether the bees will then be able to disarm bombs by pollinating them mercilessly is, according to an unnamed source involved in the project, "still up in the air - get it? 'Cause bees fly, you know? So, it's still up in the air, like… Ah, what do you know about comedy?"

Okay, so I made up that last quote. I wish to god I'd made up the whole thing, but, no - this is really how our greatest military minds have chosen to spend millions of your dollars. Remote controlled stealth fish, robotic rescue rodents, bomb sniffing bees - you just can't make this stuff up. Unless, of course, you work for the Pentagon.