Dating - the Best Education that Money Can't Buy

Although I have been happily remarried for the past three years I still have occasion to use the lessons I learned from many years in the dating pool nearly every day. I suspect that when most people hear the phrase "educational experience", dating is not the first thing that comes to mind. But trust me, you can learn a lot about yourself, other people and perhaps even sharpen your parenting skills from various dating situations.

Early in life, my dating experiences were somewhat limited. In high school I was a good student and reasonably attractive. However I was an African-American student attending a predominantly white high school in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Interracial dating was quite rare back then, especially in my small, Indiana town.At the time I viewed this situation through the lens of teenage angst, sure that my lack of dating prospects was somehow a sad commentary on my worth as a human being. But in retrospect I think it provided the makings of a serious sociological study. The white boys in my classes would talk and joke with me, sometimes in a very flirtatious way. They also respected my intelligence sometimes even asking for homework help. But apparently the fear of sanctions from their parents or society or both prevented them from asking me out or taking me to the prom. Years later at high school reunions when many of those same fellows confessed their secret crushes from high school, I learned the important lesson not to take anything too personally because the situation is not always what it might seem to be.

In college I met and begin dating my now ex-husband. He was a quiet and charming man with a quirky sense of humor. He occupied a 4th floor dorm room at the corner of a V-shaped building and I had to pass beneath his window on my way to the cafeteria every evening. He would watch and sometimes wave and eventually gathered the courage to knock on my door and ask me out. He was a dreamer who played the piano and left romantic poetry under my door but who also sometimes drank too much and slept through his early morning classes. At the time I told myself that his irresponsibility was simply a factor of his youth and that he would "grow out of it." But 8 years later as our marriage was ending due to the combined effects of his drinking, drug use, infidelity and irresponsibility with money I was reminded of the warning signs from our college days. From this experience I learned an equally important lesson. I learned to pay attention because sometimes things are EXACTLY what they seem to be.

After my divorce, I re-entered the dating world at age 30. I joined a video dating service and by this time it was the early 1990s and interracial dating was becoming more commonplace. I took full advantage of my new found freedom. I dated men from all races and cultures, a student from Kenya, a college professor from India, a medical doctor who was half Japanese. Blue collar, white collar, professional men, and entrepreneurs were among the men who entertained me with a seemingly endless string of dinners, movies, concerts, picnics and walks in the park. During this period I seemed to earn a PhD in dating.

I learned a lot about cultural differences and the views of men from various ethnic and economic backgrounds with respect to the equality of women. I learned how some men respond to women who earn more than they do. I learned about generational differences and how older gentlemen treat women with greater respect in some ways but hold on to rather sexist views in others. And I learned the importance to teaching my young son the basics of etiquette, after suffering through countless dinners with grown men who possessed appalling table manners.

I also made a number of crucial self discoveries. Turned off by the hair on an otherwise nice young man's back and put off when another date told me that he couldn't afford to go to restaurants all the time but would be glad to cook me a nice dinner at home, I realized my tendency toward shallowness and materialism and have worked diligently over the years to improve these flaws. I still don't like hairy backs but have learned to appreciate my current husband's frugality, no longer insisting on expensive restaurants every weekend.

And although I cherish the stable, loving relationship that I now enjoy with my current husband there was something to be said for having to circulate in the dating world. Meeting and getting to know a constant string of new people forces us to be self aware, keep our conversational skills sharp and show genuine interest in others. And those are skills that have proven useful in other areas of life. (Job interviews, for example, were much easier for me once I had lots of dating experiences under my belt.)

So for those who are still in the dating world, make the most of it. It may be the most valuable education you'll ever receive.