Dating a Divorced Man or Woman with Children
The Package Deal
It's A Package Deal
If it's a divorced mother OR father, if the children live with your date or not, the relationship is still a package deal. Now you may think that you get along great with children so it will be no problem. The children aren't the biggest problem in most cases. You see in most cases, unless you're dating a widow or widower, there is an ex in the picture. That combined with children is tangible proof that your date has had sex with his man or woman and it's likely that you'll occasionally be in the ex's presence. Can you handle that? What if the ex is better looking or in better shape than you? What if they make more money than you? This isn't someone that you just happened to see on the street. This is the ex that stops by from time to time and/or calls to pick up the children or consult your date on something concerning them. The important thing to remember is that if you choose to make this man or woman part of your life, not only are his or her children going to be part of YOUR life as well, but their EX will be as well. It's not meant to be comfortable so don't expect it to be but it's something that you MUST tolerate.
Tolerate The Ex
First thing is, no matter how you feel about the ex, do NOT badmouth them in front of their children. This will cause your date's children to resent you and that will greatly lower the odds of your relationship working out and progressing. Leave things like discipline and life decisions involving your date's children to your date and their ex. It's OK to give your opinion on things to your date but giving it to your date and their ex is just asking for trouble. You don't have to be buddy buddy with the ex but exchanging a few pleasantries every time you see one another is good for your relationship with you date and their children.
Strive To Have A Decent Relationship With Your Date's Children
You want your date's children to like you. It may be somewhat difficult. They may look at you as someone who is trying to REPLACE their mommy or daddy. They may have gotten used to having mom or dad all to themselves and they're not so keen on the idea of SHAREING their time with mom or dad with YOU. Different people handle these things differently but it's something that you need to talk to about with your date and both of you have to have one on one and together regular talks with the child assuring them that they already have a mom or dad and you are NOT there to replace their other parent. Talk to the children. Ask them how they feel. Don't shower them with gifts. Material things are not good for promoting a decent relationship with kids. Play with them, take them out for fast food or for ice cream occasionally. These allow for alone time to TALK with the child. Take the time to get to know them and understand them. Just because they're young doesn't mean they're stupid. They can see through it when you try to hard. They are much more intelligent than you may think.
Be Set On Staying Put
If this new relationship takes off and progresses, don't expect your date to eventually move across the country with you. In fact, in many states, if a mother or father who has custody of their children take them and move out of state with them, they can be arrested for taking that child out of their state of residence. Moving to another state may be contingent on getting permission from the ex before they do that. You date may not have any interest whatsoever in moving far away as it may affect visitation on some end. Ultimately, it's the child who suffers most when that happens.
It is indeed possible to have a great and fulfilling relationship when there are children and an ex present but don't expect it to be anything like dating a single person with no kids. It's all a matter of how you handle it. That will have a great deal to do with how well the relationship goes.
Published by Karl Withakay
Karl is a full time 43 y/o Singer/guitarist/songwriter. He is also a self proclaimed computer geek. He builds, fixes and modifies computers. He is a US Navy, Gulf War Vet. and has worked as a CNA, a Parame... View profile
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26 Comments
Post a Commentafter my seperation from a young hottie. older women are catching my eye now, what a nice change, i like it.
and you must as well, i adore his children and i envision us being together forever because i know that i can mother his children and love them as if they were my own, but i know my boundaries, i know they are not my children so alwayd leave the disciplining to the father and mother and just be a good support to the children in whatever they do, i adore his children and supporting them is very important to me. ill leave you on this note, pray for love patience and guidance and be with him only if you know you love those children, i stay with my man because i know i love his children and i will love them as my own although they are not my flesh and blood, people adpot all the time and love that child unbelievably so much and i know i can and will do that and if you know you can and will do that too stick by your man and his children because it will be worthwhile, always make peace central and love unconditionally and this is the perfect equation for a family in the making :)
my advice to anyone dating a divorced man is to love him and his children deeply because if he is a good man he will love his kids and put them first and that is normal if he is truly a good person his children will come first, but show him they come first in your life as well. i am a 24 years old and i am with a man about 6 years older than me. i adore his children as if they were mine and i would do anything for them and him and his children truly come first in my mind heart and soul, be patient because if you truly love eachother you will find a way to make it work and you will definately make it work if you have unconditional love for his children and him, with me, i always put the children before him because to me children are so precious and their well being is much more important than ours, as we are adults already and we know who we are, but children are so special and sensitive and impressionable, always put them first because if you are with a good man he will put them first
I have a bonner!!!
im searching for a girl between 25 and 35 years old if there s any 1 please we can be friend send me mail on my hotmail terminator3_817@hotmail.com
Am single, Flora by name.... i have searching for a man on differient dating sites, both divorced and single, but non are serious for a long term relationship... what can i do? am 34yrs
do i stay in this relationship. I care for him but i am at a point in life, where his drama needs to stay his dram and not my problem?
i am dating a divorced man, i have known him for about 2 and a half years, he has two boys 16 and 18 and I have two girls 15 and 7, the divorce was a nasty one, he met someone prior to me and she did him like the ex-wife did him, now that I am with him he has no concept about having a real relationship since he was mistreated for over 20 years with the same woman, this woman turned the kids against him, put him in child support, when he tried to see them she said they had other obligations, however, now that she knows that he is dating me, the kids can call him when they want something, but not just to say hi, when the guy that i am dating see them out, she tells the boys not to spreak and they dont they treat him as if he never existed, but when it is time for a hair cutt or something then they call, when i said to him about letting her still control him and that he should have just stayed in the marriage, he told me that I have a problem with his ex-wife, i told him yea, because when
I have been with this guy for 5yrs (on and off passed year) and I know he has daughter and he knows i have 3boys. For 2yrs into the relationship he never wanted his daughter to know that I had children. She eventually found out (and he didn't tell me for a whole week) but he chooses not to have our children meet. He says he is trying to protect her because of issues that took place in his last relationship. My boys have always known from the beginning that she existed but I always felt his reasonings were just wrong and odd. Today they still haven't met. Obviously it has caused issues with us, mayb thats why we have been in and out of this relationship. I just don't understand. This just doesnt make sense. Is there a deeper reason why?
I am dating a guy that has two daughters. and I generally just keep quiet when he mentions them. But what worries me most is that recently he said he wants to travel out of state to see them and stay in the ex's house. he doesn't want me to go with him, because he said that he wants to invest all of his time on his two daughters. help!!!!