Dating Doesn't Have to Be Painful

Many of us navigate the hazards of the dating scene. Even great dates can crumble when we find out we don't have anything remotely in common. Some relationships start with great fire and passion and fizzle as soon as we find out we are completely incompatible. Navigating the dating world is challenging at best, often resulting in a revolving door of motley characters or a silent spell of inactivity. People often ask me how they can become better daters and the answer is frequently along the lines of, "It depends on you."

It turns out that dating is as much about the things we do as what we hope the other person brings to the table. Luckily there are five basic things you can do starting today to help your dating life go from humdrum to stellar.

Be aware of the signals are you giving off. Much of what you attract in the dating scene is directly related to the vibes you are giving off. People see you coming miles away if you are desperate, vulnerable, sad or angry. We tend to get treated based on how we ask the world to treat us. If we act with anger we get predictable results, if we act with kindness we attract an entirely different kind of reaction. What you put out will determine what you get back in the dating scene. Try honestly examining the signals you put off and work toward making them as balanced as possible so that you attract what you really want in a date.

Look at yourself. Take a good, careful look at yourself and find out who you are before you try to match up with others. Find out what you enjoy doing: your passions in life, your limits, your boundaries and what brings you joy. When you have a better idea of what you like you will start moving in circles that are filled positive interactions. You will begin meeting people who actually like you for who you are not for whom you are pretending to be. You also get the added benefit of finding out what turns you on and what you want to do with your life. Take some time to find out who you are before you get someone else involved in the equation.

The bad boy (or girl) mess. Sure riding a roller coaster is fun until you've been on it for a month and it makes you sick. When we date chaotic people we may get a rush from the initial excitement but the results are predictable: sadness, confusion and disillusion. If you really enjoy living a life of drama go take a theater class. People who jump from one bad boy to another are really broadcasting to the world what they think of themselves inside. Perhaps it's time to seek some help to find out why you settle for people who don't treat you well. We all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

The high-stakes game. We frequently invest all our hopes, dreams and ambitions into one person. We've all had dreams of our date turning into some perfect relationship that will fulfill us in ways we never knew. Then we meet the frog across the table. We often make our dates a win or lose proposition rather than relaxing and having a good time while getting to know someone. We convince ourselves that this is the one or that we will be engaged to this other one or that this one will make us eternally happy. Reduce your expectations and you may find that you can build great relationships that eventually grow into something special.

Date sober. Sure, some great dates result from having a few drinks but do you want people to like the real you or the tipsy you? People drink to feel more open, accepted and comfortable but remember that you are making decisions based on intoxicants rather than the real you. It's like broadcasting to the world that you are not worth dating sober. Try meeting people in situations where you are fully sober and you will find that you attract people who like you for who you really are not for the intoxicated version.