Dating Essentials for Single Moms

The complexities of life as a single mom are challenging enough; toss dating into the mix and it can really throw you for a loop. Whether you were married for a long time, or never married at all, every single mom needs a set of rules and boundaries for dating. Time is at a premium and there is no energy to be wasted on unhealthy or dead-end relationships. Yet many single moms do exactly that, for various reasons, most boiling down to low self-esteem and loneliness. When you feel positive about yourself and realize that a good relationship is worth waiting and working for, you will begin to attract the right kind of men - those with whom a real, healthy connection is possible. This is especially important when you have little people dependent upon you to keep them from the yo-yo cycle of new male role models in and out of their lives.

I have been single and back in the dating game for two years, following a long marriage, and have learned a lot about how to handle dating in that time. Here are ten solid guidelines for developing a healthy love life, while protecting your self-respect and your children's emotional stability.

1. Never feel or act apologetic for coming into a relationship with children. A truly good man will happily accept that a quality relationship with you is worth the additional responsibility of dating a woman with kids. Be confident and know that you are worth being treated well, no matter what your family situation. Men can pick up on insecurity from a mile away; love yourself first and others will too.

2. Don't chase. This is possibly the biggest mistake women make, especially those who are lonely and insecure about their ability to find a decent man. According to Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches and its sequel, Why Men Marry Bitches (both indispensable books for any single woman), the desire to chase a woman is closely intertwined with men's natural hunting instincts. When it's not a challenge anymore, he will lose interest and quickly. Don't call unless he has specifically requested it in a given situation. If a man is interested, he will call and he will ask you out. If he doesn't, it's best to let it go. Letting him initiate most of the contact makes him happy and keeps his attraction growing. Be sweet and show your interest when he does call, just don't wait by the phone and don't try to pin him down - it's the fastest way to turn a man off and drive him away (and into the arms of a woman who doesn't act needy).

3. Don't mentally commit yourself to the first man who looks your way, and don't jump into an exclusive relationship within the first couple weeks of dating a man. Maintain a "dating rotation". This serves a couple purposes - firstly, it lets your men know that you have options. When you aren't always free every time he calls, it inspires him to work harder to get you to be with him. This in turn gives you not one, but several men to get to know better so that you can decide who would be the best long-term fit for you and your children. It also keeps you from becoming obsessed with one man, which leads to the whole calling him too much routine, hence driving him away.

4. Do not - and I can't stress this enough - do not bring your dates home to meet your children right away. A quick hello at the door when they pick you up can be fine, but do not allow men to hang around your house spending a lot of time with your children at first, until you are in a committed relationship and are reasonably sure that he will be around for the long haul. It goes without saying that this includes allowing men to spend the night at your home. Children, especially those with a dad who doesn't spend a lot of time with them, attach very easily to male father figures. Leading a constant stream of dates in and out of their lives confuses them, and traumatizes them when the guy is gone. When you meet The One, and have spent a few months making sure he will be a healthy influence in your kids' lives, there will be plenty of time for them to bond.

5. Don't lie to your children. Many times single moms feel as though they must keep their children from knowing they have a life outside of motherhood and work. Children need to learn to respect that mom needs some time outside of responsibilities, that she is an individual as well as a mom. It's not necessary to share every detail of your outings, but it's reasonable to explain that you're going out with a male friend because you need some time to get out and have fun as an adult. Single moms spend so much time taking care of others' needs as well as financial and practical matters, there is no need to feel guilt about taking a break. If you lie about where you're going, they will eventually figure it out and this will break down the trust they feel in the most important person in their lives.

6. Build a life of your own so that you have a fulfilling existence without a partner. Make time for your hobbies, watch movies by yourself and with your kids, learn to enjoy your own presence and to be comfortable being alone. There's nothing that kills a man's attraction faster than a woman who doesn't have any interests of her own and wants to immediately make him the center of her world.

7. Don't be afraid of online dating. While there are some players out there scouting online for casual hook-ups, they are fairly easy to root out and there are some quality guys seeking the same thing that quality women are. For a single mom, this can be a real time and energy saver, especially if your main option otherwise is to hang out in clubs or bars, which, let's face it, isn't a great way of meeting the right kind of man. Just follow common sense safety guidelines - get to know the person over email and phone for a little while before meeting, and always meet in a neutral location for at least the first date or two.

8. Try not to involve your ex-spouse (or your children's father) by way of your kids. Don't say things like, "Don't tell daddy that mommy went out with so-and-so." This is a fast road to giving your children a way to play you and your ex against each other. If they mention to him that you've gone out on a date, don't engage in arguments or discussion about it. Your life is yours and he has no say in what you do as long as you are mothering his children in a loving and responsible manner.

9. If you are recently divorced from, or broken up with, your child(ren)'s father, give yourself time to get into an emotionally healthy place. Rebound relationships usually don't go well. You will feel vulnerable and most likely lonely and more susceptible to filling the void with a less than ideal relationship. Waiting to date until you are in a stable frame of mind will save you much heartache and trouble.

10. Above all, date with your children's best interests at the forefront of your mind. Do not waste time and emotional energy building a relationship with someone whom you don't think will be good with your kids and a positive influence on them. Even if you "click", and there is great chemistry, think in terms of the long run; your children are the priority and your future mate needs to be a good fit for the entire family.