Dating Men with Baggage
My How Times Have Changed
I would wager that if you interviewed a sample population of men and women between the ages of twenty five to forty (used as a child bearing age), there are probably more single men with children than there are women. To what do we attribute this phenom? Well let's face it, there is a large percentage of professional women who are choosing to invest in their careers and delay getting married and having children. In addition, statistics show there are more women than men enrolling in four year colleges also a possible contributing factor, particularly should this involve post graduate studies. We are living in a time when Sisters of all colors are taking the time and initiative to ensure their futures are secure and this usually involves making careers a priority, thus delaying commitments such as marriage and starting a family. Today's Phenomenal Women (thank you Sister Maya Angelou) are certainly capable of setting goals, setting a plan in action and making things happen.
Looking at this realistically, most of us, almost everyone, has some kind of baggage. Just like we all have issues, we all have baggage of some sort, be they kids, ex-wives or ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, stalkers, or family members that are dependent upon us. The fact is almost anyone who has lived his or her life has some kind of baggage. Now some may have more than others, and it may certainly be a lot more complex, but we all have it.
What is interesting about this scenario is the fact that the script has flipped and now the woman is the one deciding whether or not this is a complication she wishes to bring into her world. So what do you do? The fact is only you know. You have to examine your personal situation and the relationship. If you knew his situation going in and all the facts were provided, well then you're not caught like a deer in the headlights if and when the drama begins. If he is someone you want in your life, you set boundaries. This is the only way it will work. The fact is whoever you are with had a life before you met him. Deal with that fact first and then be true to who you are in deciding whether or not you can really deal with all the variables of dating a man with baggage.
Now if this is someone you are just casually dating, and you don't care one way or another, you still need to set boundaries. Face it you don't want to be out to dinner or a club and in saunters one, and I stress one of his "babies mamas" making a scene. Yes I know, I hate the terminology as well, but it appears it's here to stay and so we deal with it. If his ex is a problem, a real problem, hopefully he will let you know ahead of time, being that you have happened upon a real man. If he is divorced chances are he has his child/children every other weekend, so be prepared to deal with this. What you have planned for you guys to do for the weekend may not coincide with his family commitments. Try to be sensitive to that. If you find you can't, then you are dating the wrong man. Just keep in mind, you may be on the receiving end one day.
Now if you find this situation is totally intolerable for you, well, good luck. I wish you well. The fact is, the chances of meeting someone with no baggage are about as good as hitting the lottery. So, suck it up, set some guidelines and know that you now have the upper hand. Face it, women juggle multiple responsibilities better than men (no offense fellas). If you were the one with the baggage, you would be able to show him how it's done. But since we are talking about the male having the baggage, sit back, relax and enjoy. After all, you can always do everyone involved a favor and walk away. It's all about choices.
Published by Lola Inez
Lola is a freelance writer, world traveler and explorer, and a dedicated yogi. View profile
- How My TV Viewing Habits Have Changed Over the YearsThe advent of cable and satellite dishes, computers, and new technology have caused people's television viewing habits to change over the years. Programming may also be a factor.
- You Don't Have to Hide Your Tattoos to Get a JobFor years, jobseekers have been urged to cover tattoos, hide body piercings and stay conservative in the job interview. Times seem to be changing and hiring managers are interested in more.
- Advertising: How it Has Changed Over Timea review of how magazine and television advertising has changed over a period of time, and how it benefits and degrades society.
- How Halloween Costumes Have ChangedThe ever on going evolution of Halloween costumes.
- Times Have Changed - How to Spy On Your Kids the Right Way
- How Times Have Changed Poem
- How Family Values Have Changed
- How TiVo and DVD Box Sets Have Changed the Way We Watch Television
- Family Values: How Times Have Changed
- 4 Things Women Should Avoid when Dating Men
- Times Have Changed - Dating Should Too! An Atypical Guide to Dating
- Would you not date someone because they have children?
- What do you think your chances are of meeting someone over thirty with no history?
- What if the man of your dreams has the one thing you think you can't tolerate - a past?
27 Comments
Post a Comment"The fact is, the chances of meeting someone with no baggage are about as good as hitting the lottery."
Well then that must make me a prize, as I have neither an ex-husband nor any children for a future significant other to deal with.
I NEVER in my life thought I would ever compromise the idea of dating someone with kids; however, I find myself exactly square in the middle of that situation. And I'm sorry to say: dating a single dad DOES suck! I have to face the fact that his child does, and will always, come first in his life. I wouldn't respect him if she didn't. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with, and the constant possibility for plans to change at the drop of a hat because of it frustrates me to no avail. I wonder on a daily basis if he having him in my life is worth the hassle of dealing with the constand interruption of our relationship (just being honest). I mean, I am as the author said "as good as hitting the lottery." Shouldn't I deserve the same?
As a single father with children, I find this article and the comments above disheartening. Just because his prior relationships were failures, does not mean the new one will be. As far as children and support issues go, all kids do eventually grow up and when that happens, they suddenly become independent adults. Funny how men are judged so severely, yet women with children are supposed to be accepted wholeheartedly? And women call men double dealing pigs...jeesh.
Dang, Chris, you sound bitter as hell. How are you going to get mad at a woman's CHOICE in not dating you and all of those kids? Looks like to me you should've stayed with your kid's mother or moms. Being independent means not being someone's dependent and dammit, that's a great thing!
Women who don't date men with baggage, then F off. Seriously, because if you judge someone who has kids, then who wants someone like you anyways. I have three kids of my on and have full custody and a very good guy. Women these days are more independent which is good but come on there needs to be a limit with it. On that note, I have a lot of close women friends who try to set me up on dates, but women these days are to openly independent and its a total turn off.
I had been seeing a guy with a kid for over a year. We still talk but are no longer together. I could not deal with the stress of the high support payments and not having a future with him cause he had no money. It was also hard for me to deal with the ex and her family. for instance, a family member passed and he had to be there for them cause he was married to her at one point. I loved this man more than any of my other boyfriends; there was no comparison. However, I found that love fades and the issues don't. the ex and kid are a constant headache. I never thought that I would be happier without him but I am. The stress is gone!!!!!
I feel really bad for what I've been reading in this forum...please check out this link: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/ to get an alternative perspective on this kind of dating situation. Please don't feel like you are trapped...I'd rather be happy and alone than unhappy and in an undesirable situation such as what a lot of ppl have described. Do not take your situation lightly.
Me too :(
I love my man so much, but he did not tell me he was Separated (Not even Divorced!) and had a kid until I had already fallen for him. I tried to get over it. I have worked so hard professionally to get to the point I am now (single and with no kids and I hate the idea of sharing this man that I love so much with his other life (other family). I feel like I worked too hard for this. But I dont know what hurts worse- losing him or living with the facts that he already has had the experiences of having a family without me.
I'm 22 and I've been dating a 28 year old man with two kids. His daughter is 8, but she lives with his ex-wife and her new husband out of the state. His son is 4, and his ex-girlfriend cheated on him and is now married, but lives 25 minutes away. He only gets his son every other weekend, but his ex is just sucking him dry with child support. Don't get me wrong--I think it's important for him to pay child support since she has their son most of the week, but this woman is ridiculous. She won't ever drop their son off at his place--his truck broke down, and he had to meet her at a halfway point to pick up his four-year-old, only to have to WALK back home. I don't even know this woman, and yet I can't stand her. His four year old is a BRAT, but he's adorable. (one of those adorable brats--what can ya do?lol) I just don't know where the line is drawn between new girlfriend and new mommy. Sometimes I feel like my bf wants more from me than an adult relationship. In the long run, I
Hi everyone,
I'm 28 years old. I've started seeing a man with 5 children, yes FIVE children from a previous relationship. He has an unpleasant relationship with the mother of his children.
He has said from early on that he wants to marry me and have children with me. I don't know if thats genuine or he's saying that to get in my pants - so to speak.
I am starting to fall for him but don't know if I should get out now or give it a try.
Help??!!
I am in the same boat as some of you ladies!!! I'm dating a guy with a kid from his previous marriage. I'm a college graduate, have a good job, never been married. I was okay with his exwife and kid at the beginning. He and his exwife used to fight ALOT, and I told him talk to her, end things in good term, and raise the kid like two grown adults. As time passed, I now understand why he is so frustrated with her. I now began to hate her alot because she blame everything on me! Sometimes, my bf end up working on the weekend and cant pick up the kid, she'd blame and say that it was me that's why he didnt pick up the kid. Why did he let some girl like me make the decision on when he can see his kid. Why is she blaming me? I just sit on the sidewalk and watch. Now, I want to get out, but I love him alot that it's so hard for me to walk out. I'm so confused.