Dating and Needs: It Tells Us Something About Ourselves

Dating is a favorite past time for people who are single. It consumes their time, their money and their thoughts. Dating is ingrained in people's most subconscious desires to mate and product future offspring. However, dating isn't always about fun it can be a painful and hurtful experience.

Dating is run by trends. During our grandparents generation security and stability were important. During these days people were just moving to the city off of the farms and the Great Depression was ending which left people with a feeling of the need for self-preservation. Therefore, men were often chosen for their ability to provide and women for their home skills.

In today's world the situation is very different. Dating isn't about finding a stable person with strong values and work ethic. It is often about feelings. People want to feel as though they are loved, needed and desired. These primal needs supersede finding a strong partner and may hint at an evolution of dating in society.

Maslow's Hierarchy of needs indicates that people develop through different stages in their lives. At the very first stage people are more interested in their securing their basic survival like food. Hence, in the past there was a need for a strong man and strong woman to help in securing these needs. Now that society has plenty of food available to them these people are looking for something more then just "food on the plate".

As people progress higher and higher on Maslow's scale they move to self-actualization which means fulfillment and self-expression. With the need for basic survival put behind most American youth is now looking at a level of belongingness. Therefore, they date what everyone thinks they should be dating in terms of trendy, cool, and personalities associated with television.

The problem is that they missed security and the types of personalities that go along with someone who is secure. Secure men and women have the discipline to work and they also have the discipline to raise a family. Any guy can be cool even though he is chronically unemployed. Therefore, there must be something more then just trendy when choosing a partner.

Dating and Self-Esteem

Connectedness with others can lead to high self-esteem but rejection by others can lead to neediness (Rude & Burnham, 2005). This neediness is a direct result of people feeling unwanted and not connected to other people. When you are rejected for other alternatives you begin to ask, "What is wrong with me?"

This constant questioning of yourself after each rejection makes you feel even more awkward in approaching members of the opposite sex. It's like your waiting to be hurt again and approach people in a cautious manner. The more awkward you are the more desperate you seem and the more rejections you get.

In an effort to avoid chronic rejection people look for and search our partners that match them (Berscheid, Dion, Walster, & Walster, 1971). This match may be in terms of attractiveness or social position. People instinctively learn that trying to get the "hottest" girl or guy isn't in the mix for them. So they settle to someone who appears to be on the same level.

However, with beauty products and improvement in social standing people can move up the dating ranks to get someone that would have been out of reach for them in the past. For example, a 5 on attractiveness and a 9 on financial security could date an 8 on attractiveness. With a 5 on attractiveness and financial security they may likely only get another 5.

People spend an enormous amount of money on beauty products alone and are likely to spend even more money trying to pick up a dating match. This can range from cosmetics to expensive cars. The goal of many people can be to raise your dating desirableness in the wake of multiple rejections.

The most important concept that one can bring away from this article is that dating is about liking yourself first and then moving on to liking other people. If you have not developed high on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs you are likely to have missed important characteristics in your partner that will later be regretted. Spending money on yourself is one way of increasing your image but it doesn't always raise your self-esteem where the real problem lays.

Berscheid, E., Dion, K, Walster, E. & Walster, W. (1971). Physical attractiveness and dating Choice: a test of the matching hypothesis. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 7 (2). Rude, S. & Burnham, B. (2005). Connectedness and neediness: factors of DEQ and SAS dependency scales. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 19 (3).