Dating for the Outdated in the 40+ World

Dating in the 40+ world. Now there's a stitch! More stomach, more wrinkles, and waaayy more baggage. But it's not all bad. It's nice to meet people who actually owned LPs, watched Dark Shadows and the Brady Bunch on network television, and know who John Lennon and Freddy Mercury were. Those points of reference go a long way toward that essential common bonds.

But there's that baggage thing. We're old enough to have it and carry it. Some of us have even taken steps to lose it. Here's a newsflash though -- the overnight bag trumps the steamer trunk.

So I dutifully filled in the blanks, endeavored to convey a real live person into words on a screen and paid my dues. It was somewhat successful in that I did meet folks, okay men, who were interested in the same things. I looked for cowboys on the Internet (something of an oxymoron but the modern cowboy does have modern tools). And I found a few who were funny, articulate and responsive. Talked to them at length which was a relief because that whole physical element was removed. Even met a couple of those World Wide Web cowboys. I'm happy to report there was not an axe murderer or identity thief in the bunch. So we talked and we wrote and then we talked some more. But that chemistry thing is real and it's essential. It's hard to tell by word or voice what that kiss is going to be like. That's the magic moment of truth and it needs to sustain you.

On paper, the first guy I met looked good. Real good. Had a quarter horse station mind you, not just a ranch mind you, that he ran with his family. Lived close, eclectic tastes in music, movies, etc. Lots of traveling and fine dining but knew which end of the horse. Though my stomach did lurch in misgiving the first time I talked to him. He was kinda pushy and just a touch on the smarmy side. But he did make me laugh and I decided to give him a chance. You gotta start somewhere. We arranged to meet at a popular breakfast eatery about halfway between his place and mine.

Walking down the porch of the restaurant, this gray-haired guy with a big turquoise ring starts waving at me. As I close in, I note he has bug eyes and he's wearing a hairpiece! Yikes! Let me tell you, there ain't no such thing as a good rug. His was on the obvious side of bad. Damn, why didn't I ask him to send me a better picture?

Breakfast conversation with the Rug Doctor consisted mostly of the usual fact finding mission. He did all the asking. Getting to know him better was not even a footnote on my agenda. First turnoff - his hands were soft! Yuck! How does a horseman end up with hands that pasty? He was double smarmy in person and on the chubby side. Wanting to hold my hand through the meal, asking when he could stay at my house. What's the damn hurry, Pard? I concentrated on the meal and thanked the good Lord we weren't sitting next to each other or he would've rubbed my leg raw. Ewww! Nothing worse than being pawed while you're working your way through a tough breakfast steak!

I dreaded the good bye, wondering if I could get away with a mere handshake. No such luck. The Rug Doctor grabbed my face, locked his big puffy lips onto mine and there was no turning back. He was going to swallow me whole right there in the parking lot! It was ickier than I expected...Fish Lip Central! Extricating myself without committing to anything, I screamed out of the parking lot on two wheels hoping I was going fast enough to blur my license plates so he couldn't hunt me down for more face sucking.

After that inglorious beginning, I figured it couldn't get worse so I threw myself into the fray with gusto. The Rug Doctor made everyone else look like Prince Charming. Even the portly hunter pictured with his latest kill didn't deter me. At least with a guy like that, I'd never starve. Don't know what dating school that outfitter went to but dead animals displayed at a guy's feet have never been a huge turn on for women.

Over the years, I've perused and paged and pondered the infinite possibilities of Internet catalog date shopping. In the end, I came to the conclusion it was a world wide washout. Nothing beats the chemistry of good old fashioned face to face courting that engages all the senses.