Dating and Relationships: Scared to Love

I was 15, and in my first year of high school, and I can't say that I was exactly cheerleader material, or even slightly attractive back then. Actually, heavy and awkward would describe it a little better. It was the fourth month into school, and I was finally starting to get use to high school. Every morning I had to get up at 5:30 a.m. in order to have enough time to get ready, and walk to the bus stop.

This day seemed like every other day, I woke up, got ready for school, and ran down to the bus stop just in time to get on the bus, (Seriously, this lady would see you coming down the road and she would close the doors and drive away) so I just did make it on time.

My stop, was the first stop of the day, after I was on the bus I would always get the very back seat and save the one beside it for my buddy Mike, he was our last stop before the ride to school. Usually only he and one other girl would get on at that stop.

We get to his stop, and every one gets on, first was Mike, next was the girl, and yet one more climbed on the bus, someone I had never seen before. Mike takes his usual seat that I always had saved for him, and this new guy sat down right beside him. Mike introduced me to him, saying he was his cousin, and he would be attending our school this year.

When I looked into his eyes, I melted, it was almost like I had been hypnotized! It was very obvious to everyone, that I liked him, including Mike. After months go by, I finally decide to tell him that I liked him and maybe, just maybe, I would get the chance I had been waiting for.

Instead, he was very polite about it, but never the less he blew me off saying that he wouldn't mind being my friend, but he wasn't attracted to me like that. I don't know why I even tried, he was so hot he could have had any girl in the school, why would he want me, I wasn't popular or even pretty for that matter.

It bothered me, but I still had to go to school so I made the best of it, I remained his friend.Toward the end of the school year, things weren't going so well for me at home, and I decided to run away. I never ended up going back to school, and I forgot all about the boy, that I thought I loved.

15 years later, I was still living in the same area that I had grown up in, I had three kids, and a boyfriend now, and I was working managing a laundromat that was close by. My relationship was falling apart, I was miserable, he was miserable, and it wasn't anyone's fault, we had just drifted apart over the years, we were more like roommates than boyfriend - girlfriend. We actually split up.

It had been on and off for a while for us, just more off than on. I was really starting to get extremely depressed. It seemed as if, every relationship that I ever had, went this way, and I was starting to think that something was wrong with me. Work seemed to be the best place for me at the time, I would stay so busy that I didn't have time to think about all of these things when I was there.

This particular day seemed like all of the rest. I went to work, and was busy filling out paper work, when the most handsome man I had ever seen walked in. I kept looking at him, I couldn't help it. Finally I had time for a break. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and he came out not too long after. We began to talk a little, and he knew my name, he said he remembered me from high school. I really didn't think that was possible, first I had changed so much that no one should have been able to recognize me. I was no longer heavy and awkward, I was an average, thin, decent looking lady.

Second, I didn't stay in high school very long, so I really doubted that he knew me. Until, he mentioned Mike! This was the same boy that I thought I loved in high school. I couldn't believe my eyes, I was actually staring into the eyes of, the boy from the bus, that I thought I had forgotten all about. We talked about old times, and it seemed that we got along great. I was still very attracted to him, and this time it seemed, that he was attracted to me too.

We began dating, nothing serious at first, because he had a problem with commitment. It seemed he was scared to love some one. We both had been hurt in the past, and we both wanted to go slow. So we both agreed to just let things happen the way they should, naturally.

As time went on, our relationship grew stronger. I was so in love with him, but I never said those words, and either did he. Everything seemed to be going great, or at least I thought it was. He always needed to feel in control, so he was the one that would call me, and he was the one that made plans for us, and he was the one that would decide on when we seen each other.

That was fine with me, I figured no pushing on my part was what he needed. I always waited for his calls, and I would see him whenever he came to me. Until one day, this particular day seemed like all the rest. I went to work, hoping to hear from him or see him and I didn't, which wasn't unusual. Sometimes I would get to see him every day for weeks and then other times I wouldn't see him at all for weeks.

Well a year has gone by, I haven't seen or heard from him, and needless to say I'm heart broken. I think about him all of the time but I've never tried to contact him. I know it seems stupid, not to call him, but I really feel like I would be pushing him into something hes obviously not ready for, and that would only cause hate and resentment in the long run. I honestly love this man with all my heart and I would do anything to make him happy and if that means setting him free then so be it. If you love something, set it free, if it comes back then its true love right?

Well he called me today, he didn't say anything about us getting back together, but he did apologize and he gave me his number to call him whenever I wanted. I'm scared to call now, I can't take loosing him again, even though I set him free, and he did come back, whats to say he's here to stay.

I still love him, and I probably always will, but now I'm too scared to try. A week has passed and I still haven't called him, and he hasn't tried calling me either. Is this fate?, and I'm passing it up, or did he just call to make himself feel better? I guess I won't ever find out unless he calls again. I don't think I could ever love anyone else, at least I haven't been able to since, he walked away.