Dating & Relationships: Too Scared to Change

Over the years I have many people ask me why do people keep choosing the same type of dysfunctional people over and over again? You know, the woman who is on her third husband and every one of them were alcoholics. The man who keeps choosing the domineering and controlling woman over and over again. There are probably as many reasons as there are people, however, there are some reasons that seem to be more common than others. Let's explore some of the more common reasons that people seem to make the same mistakes again and again.

Human are not only creatures of habit, but also have a strong desire for familiarity and security. It's easier and more comfortable for us to keep doing things we already know then to learn something new. Believe it or not most people hate change, and do not want the discomfort it causes to change. Change can be very scary. It is new, unexplored territory, someplace you have never been. What if you get lost? What if you can't find your way home? What if you fail at figuring out how to do this "New Thing?" This creates a lot of anxiety for most people. In fact it is more comfortable, and easier to just keep doing what we have always done. There's a great security in sameness for most people. Knowing how to do what you have always done perfectly is a lot more attractive to most, then the possibility of failing, and falling flat on your face with something new. In essence it's down right fearful. Now that you understand the basic nature of why people may keep doing that which is familiar, let's look at two instances where this may relate to relationships.

Remember the woman with the third alcoholic husband? Yes, she knows exactly what to do when he comes home drunk, and how to call his boss in the morning when he can't make it to work. She knows how to walk on eggshells as not to anger her drunken husband. She knows how to do without anything in return for obedience to his drunken stupors. She hates that she has to so this, but at the same time she feels needed. Good thing to, and alcoholic isn't capable of giving anything to anyone else, only take what they need for themselves.

How did this woman know how to do all this so well? Chances are she grew up with an alcoholic parent. She learned the steps to this dance many years ago when she was growing up. Matter of fact she learned them perfectly. Yes, she feels perfectly comfortable taking care of an alcoholic. After all, what would she do without having an alcoholic to take care of? She's a perfect at being a caretaker for those who know she is only too willing to do her job. The problem here is she grew up, and never changed. Why would she want to learn a different job, when she is so very good at the one she learned many years ago? This woman is too scared to change. This is all she knows and scared to death to even think about a new way of living. She wouldn't even begin to know what to do with a man that isn't an alcoholic. She has no comprehension of how to be in a healthy, balanced, relationship. It's just so much safer, and secure, for her to keep doing what's she always done so well.

People are always saying, why is that man with that witch on wheels? He needs to step up and be a man and tell her a thing or two. Yes, why is this man always choosing such overbearing, controlling women? He waits on her hand and foot, says yes to whatever she demands of him, she runs every aspect of their life, demeans him in front of others like he is a servant rather than her husband, and basically has no respect for him whatsoever. What is his problem? Why doesn't he just say sayonara and dump the witch? Well, chances are he had an over bearing mother, and or a timid father. It's a toss up on this one, both situations can create a man who becomes timid, and then continually chooses overbearing and controlling women.

So why is this man crazy enough to stay? Again, people are scared to change. He learned way back in childhood it was better to just let "Mommy Dearest" have her way, and not risk the "Rath Of Mom". This most certainly created a child that walked on eggshells his whole childhood. Dad wasn't much help; his so called role model, just reinforced that if you keep your mouth shut, and do "Her Bidding", you will survive. You may not be happy, but you wills survive. So what happens when Junior grows up?

There she is, his "Soul mate", she screams, demands, controls, and makes life just as miserable as when he was growing up with Mom. Yes, he is in his element. There's nothing like feeling at home. They say you can't go home again, but guess what, so very many people do, and all in the name of familiarity, security, and unfortunately the only thing they know. Can you imagine how scared this man would be to change? He would have to learn everything he didn't learn as a child. He would have to learn how to stand up for himself, have a voice, make decisions he has never made before, be on his own, and not have anyone telling him the right things to do. Do you have a little sense of why this man may never leave this woman? He is just too scared to change!

If I learned anything over the years in my personal as well as professional life is, most people are too scared to change. The enormously of what they have to change is just too frightening. They would have to venture into the dark, trying to find the light, of which they have no clue how to find. Sadly enough, most people will never change, and will continue to choose the comfort and security of what they know, good or bad!

*Don't forget to check out all my articles on Relationships. There's something interesting for everyone!