Dating Violence: Abusive Teen Relationships Becoming All Too Common

It's every mother's nightmare, to find out that their teen is in an abusive relationship and can't see it or won't change it due to fear of harm. But it seems that more parents these days are coming to the disheartening realization that abusive relationships aren't just a problem among adults. The Massachusetts Medical Society reports that one in ten teens experience violence in a dating relationship. (n.d). So how are parents supposed to cope? What can parents do? And what can teens do?

Abusive relationships can be hard to spot when you're not in them, but knowing what classifies as abuse, knowing what to look for, and remaining vigilant is the best way someone outside the relationship can begin to help.

The American Bar Association states that "Dating Violence occurs in a dating relationship when one person uses physical, emotional, or sexual abuse to gain power and keep control over the other person." And "Dating violence is a pattern of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse by one partner to gain power and control over the other partner - The dynamics are the same for teens and adults." (U.S Department of Health and Human Services, 2006).

Abuse can take two forms: physical abuse and emotional abuse, and spotting each one means you have to look for different signs. Signs of physical abuse are the easier of the two to spot for obvious reasons. Look for bruising or other unexplained injuries; these can often be hidden underneath clothing so also looking for changes in the way your teen looks or dresses. Take notice of who your teen is hanging out with. Have they changed friends? Have they lost friends? Have friends said anything that might be cause for concern on your part? Does your teen have they same hobbies? Have they given up things that they used to love doing? Changes in your teen's habits and behaviors are huge indicators that something is amiss.

Emotional abuse follows suit and often takes the form of behavioral changes. Insecurity, destructive behavior, anger or withdrawal can all be signs of emotional abuse. (U.S Department of Heath and Human Services, 2006). These behavioral changes may also be accompanied by drug or alcohol abuse which may or may not be a hard thing to spot.

In the long run it is important that parents remain non-judgmental about their teen, their teen's situation, and their teen's choices. The important thing isn't letting you're teen know they are wrong; the important thing is getting them out of the harmful situation and into a place where they can heal and grow in security. The Massachusetts Medical Society recommends that parents take a light and loving approach when dealing with their teens. Don't try to control the situation, try instead to have open communication. Ask your teen questions that require open-ended answer that allow you to slip in and provide guidance and help where you can. (n.d). The last thing an abused teen needs is an angry parent, so be supportive and loving and your teen will respond. Show them what love is, not what love isn't.

With this guidance hopefully teens will come to the realization that they need to get out of their abusive relationships. Provide all the help they need and offer to have outside help there for them if they need it as well. Allowing the abuse to continue will only cause the abuse to get worse. Over time abuse escalates and becomes more serious. Dating abuse is the cause of 1300 deaths a year. (Troubled Teen 101, 2005).

If you're a teen who suspects that your partner may be abusive, or if you have a friend who you suspect may be in an abusive relationship, there are warning signs that signal it's time to get out. If you're partner pressures you for sexual favors or sex, manipulates or guilt trips you, calls you names, puts you down in public and private, is overly jealous and controlling, is possessive, and has to apologize for angry or abusive outbursts, its time to head out. (Massachusetts Medical Society, n.d). There is no reason why you should have to deal with these things. Often times teens begin to believe that they deserve the abuse they are getting, this isn't true. No one deserves abuse. Talk to a teacher, a counselors, a family member, or a friend, talk to anyone you trust so you can start getting the help you need. Things won't get better by staying in a relationship, and you can't change your partner's behavior simply by staying either.

Abusive teen relationships are becoming far too common to be ignored. Both teens and parents alike need to know what can be done and how they can help if a situation arises. Know the signs and know what you can do. Education and vigilance can save lives.

References:

U.S Department of Health and Human Services. (2006). Dating Violence Common Among Teens. Retrieved March 27, 2007, from U.S Department of Health and Human Services Website: http://family.samhsa.gov/talk/datingviolence.aspx

Massachusetts Medical Society. (n.d).Recognize the Early Warning Signs of a Violent Teen Relationship. Retrieved March 27, 2007, from Massachusetts Medical Society Website: http://www.modernlife.org/1999Months/Octoberissue/teendatingviolence.htm

Troubled Teen 101. (2005). Abusive Teen Relationships and Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved March 27, 2007, from Troubled Teen 101 Website: http://www.troubledteen101.com/articles47.html