David Hyde Pierce Comes Out, Announces that he is Gay

Although it might not be all that horribly shocking to any of you, or to me for that matter, David Hyde Pierce has officially come out of the closet. I had been steadfastly maintaining a white-knuckled death grip on that one little shard of hope I had for him being heterosexual because he hadn't done this, but now he's just gone and wrenched that hope from my hands and annihilated it by referring to his "partner" in an interview. Oh DHP! Why? WHY? I'm vaguely masculine! I open jars! I kill bugs! It could work! Just give me a chance!

Of course even before I'd heard this or tried to research the matter at all, I had my suspicions of Pierce's preference. Not only did he have over ten seasons of playing Dr. Niles Crane, the alarmingly timid and delicate younger brother of Dr. Frasier Crane on Frasier, but he'd done a lot of Broadway musicals and always politely refused to comment on his personal life. Honestly, he could've just wrapped himself in a big rainbow flag and been a little less obvious. And let's not forget 2003's Down With Love. The scene at the end of the movie where he kisses Sarah Paulson is one of the most passionless things I've ever seen. And there are a couple of times when I swear I see him checking out Ewan McGregor.

Now don't get me wrong, here. I respect his homosexuality. I have no problem with it other than the devastating fact that being a straight woman attracted to a gay man feels somewhat reminiscent of the time when I was a child and rather painfully discovered that I couldn't fly if I just jumped off something tall enough and flapped my arms really hard. (Note: I apparently wasn't a particularly bright child.) Perhaps mimicking the unfortunate flying incident in level of embarrassment is the fact that I'd made a list similar to the one on an episode of Friends of five celebrity men who should be considered freebies if I were married and given the opportunity to sleep with one of them. I realize that makes me sound like a pretty immoral person, but come on. The likelihood of any of that transpiring is slim to none. David Hyde Pierce? Yeah, he was on my list. Truth be told, he occupied the #5 spot and he was my third choice for it. First it was Hugh Laurie who was changed to Ralph Fiennes who was replaced by David Hyde Pierce who has since been changed back to Hugh Laurie.

(I couldn't keep Ralph on the list for two reasons-the first being that unfortunate scandal with him and the flight attendant a few months ago. It made the chances of me being able to seduce him rather high-it seems all I'd have to do is don a skirt suit and share a plane ride with him and romance would ensue. But on a slightly more respectable note, I'm glad to have removed him from my list. Although quite handsome, I wouldn't want to have an extra-marital tryst with just any nondiscriminating man whore. The second reason he had to be removed is that his brother Joseph had just taken up residence in spot number four. It just seemed wrong to have them both on there.)

Alas, I mourn the loss of my attraction to David Hyde Pierce, portrayer of prissy male characters extraordinaire. May he enjoy his new status as an outed gay celebrity. I'm going to spend an evening in my pajamas eating ice cream and watching the entire first season of Frasier.