David Letterman-Style Hack Comedy Top 10 Airplane and Airport Conversation Starters

You know you have arrived as a writer when the editors of the news source want a list of the top 10 conversation starters for people who are stuck in airports or on an airplane. And who to know of the best conversation starters than Yours Truly? Nevertheless, the following Top 10 conversation starters should be good for a chuckle or two, maybe a hot date or perhaps a private discipline session with the authorities.

10. While you are standing in line waiting to check in, ask the good-looking woman, "Do you mind holding my luggage while I go out for a smoke?"

9. Breath real heavy while saying "hello" and then ask, "Do you have any mints? I sure wouldn't want to be caught with my breath smelling like Colgate Toothpaste."

8. Bend down on your knees and grab the woman's ankle, "Let me help you, it looks like you have some kind of a filament sticking out of your shoe."

7. Walk through dog dung before the trip and wear flip-flops or other open-toed sandals. Not only will there be much to talk - or groan - about but they will also be easy to remove for surveillance.

6. Wear a Blue-tooth or other hands-free cell phone device. Pretend you're talking to someone on the phone about your business meeting with the Donald until the person sitting next to you finally joins in the conversation.

5. Wear a long, black trench coat buttoned from top to bottom. People will talk to you for hours on end just to stake out exactly how suspicious you are.

4. While taxing to the airplane, casually mention how you are studying to become a pilot through an online home-correspondence course.

3. Buy a whole row of seats even if you're thin. When you're forced to give up your empty but paid-for seats to the other passengers, snuggle up to them as if they owe you for the dinner and movie.

2. Call the flight attendant over every five minutes, "Are we there yet?"

1. Stroll through the Business Class and ask the passengers if anyone would like to donate their peanuts.