Dead Eyes Called by Different Names

The term "dead eyes" was in a poem I read recently; it's a very accurate description of how a female abuse survivor feels about herself-- and, equally important, feels that she is viewed by others. The general idea is "is there anything left of me?," and, with it, the struggle to rebuild one's self and one's life.

A slightly-older female friend of mine once commented that sometimes it is necessary to have other people who will "validate your perceptions"-- essentially, to provide input and backup, that the way you see and experience something, and how you feel about it, is indeed "on target" and fully appropriate for that particular situation. Some people have a need for this even more than others; but anyone is at risk when finding oneself in a position where one's basic instincts are being undermined, perceptions challenged, and foundations of one's identity being attacked.

It would seem ludicrous-- that an average, stable, healthy adult can be so quickly and systematically reduced to little more than a "shell" of the person she has been; and the main factor in such a radical deterioration being that her own instincts were violated when there was no one but herself there to "validate" them. In other words, being "cut down to size"-- the size, that is, of being shrunken to the state of a tiny wad of putty.

"I just love all of those character-lines all over your face!" "I just love what Aging has done to your body!" "Why would I want a twenty-year-old, when I can have You!" I can almost visualize most if not all of the ladies who read such statements cringing-- whether anyone has actually made such remarks to them or not. But the key factor in turning a woman who is basically content with herself into "dead eyes" is to insist that her instincts and perceptions are wrong-- that while such comments cause one to shrivel up inside, they're really "compliments," and that to view it as anything else means one is "overly sensitive" and, equally destructive, that she "has her priorities all mixed up."

On a more personal note, I find it necessary to add a couple of factors which will worsen such a situation. The first, in being weakened and having her 'perceptions' under constant attack, is that one may expend a great deal of effort, focus, and time into wondering and trying to figure out if his actions are "intentional"-- one can get to the point of "spinning in an emotional fog" from the thought "Is he doing all of this on purpose-- or is he just so ignorant that he does not realize what he is doing and the effects it has?" The other self-destructive pattern is of "trying to make him see, trying to make him understand"-- even to the point of asking, pleading, or begging him to go away. All this does is place the Power directly into his hands-- he will not go away, because he does not Choose to.

The average adult female has a basic degree of self-assuredness, of self-acceptance, and has put years and decades into the forming of her personality and personal characteristics. It is the mark of a dangerous individual, who seeks to strip away all of these qualities, first by undermining who she is, and then by claiming her instincts are wrong. The average woman knows that such remarks are not "compliments," and knows that her instincts telling her this are, indeed, accurate. However, if she is in a position of having no one to "validate her perceptions," even if she is fortunate enough and strong enough to hold to the realization that she is under attack, it still makes for a trap that is very difficult to escape. Some women may be lucky enough to get out of such a situation, others may have no recourse but to remain until she dies; but even those who do manage to remove themselves from such destructiveness suffer a sort of "death" inside-- clearly visible to herself in the mirror. The change may be obvious to those around her. even if the reasons for it are misinterpreted or misunderstood-- she may hesitate in taking pride in her appearance. being uncomfortable with dressing nicely or using cosmetics; she may dismiss the importance or even hide her accomplishments.

The systematic tearing down of a human being is about power; and it is most easily attained by eliminating from one's life anyone who will defend her perceptions that what is going on is very wrong. In such a situation, it takes a very strong person to be able to hold onto even the most basic facts of what she knows, what she believes, and who she is. Unfortunately, even for those who remain strong, not allowing someone to cause her to doubt herself, and not letting go of herself, the consequences to one's self-esteem can be deadly-- in what may be a relatively short period of time, being transformed from a solid individual to the dead eyes in the mirror which reflect a never-there-before doubt about her place in her own life and in the world.