Dealing with Being Divorced at Thanksgiving

So it's the holiday season, and you're recently divorced. How do you deal with the heartache of divorce and the newness of being alone during the holidays, when holidays are meant to be shared with loved ones? The thing is, Thanksgiving- Christmas, New Year's- and all the other holidays are important to celebrate, even when you may not necessarily feel like celebrating.

When our hearts are broken, or we feel alone, it's important to surround ourselves with family and friends- to remind ourselves of the joy of the holiday season. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what we have, and who we have to share it with. It can be difficult to remind yourself of what to be thankful for, especially if you are newly divorced- but the holiday season remains a constant reminder that there is joy- and life- out there. No matter how badly you're hurting, the holidays can help remind you that you aren't alone.

So you may not be able to follow your old traditions with your ex-spouse (and children- if you have them!), but you can make new traditions. Any new traditions you make during this time will come to mean a lot in years to come- they will remind you that your divorce wasn't the end of your life or the world, and that there is still joy to be found in life. New traditions will remind you that you can make it through heartache and find a new life with peace and happiness.

Here are some tips to help you get through the holiday season:

- Continue traditions, but be willing to modify them or make new ones as the need arises. Don't focus on "how things used to be," focus on the joy of the moment- and how things will be. It's normal to want to grieve for the past and the loss of a relationship, but don't entirely focus on your grief and the loss of your marriage. Focus on the life and love that will come, and focus on the happiness you can surround yourself with friends and family.

- Don't spend the holiday season alone. As tempting as it may be to spend the holidays by yourself, and even engage in some "self-pity", the holidays are a really important time for family and friends. This is not the time to be alone, spend your time donating in a local soup kitchen or shelter even. Just don't spend the holidays alone.

- Be willing to ask for help and to let other people help. Even if you normally do all the work to get the holiday celebrations going, be willing to let others help you. This will relieve stress, and could even start a new tradition or two. A pot-luck dinner, rather than you or someone else doing all the work could start a new, and fun, tradition. You can even spend the holidays with other recently divorced friends or family- be willing to let others help you get through the holidays with as little pain or stress as possible.

- If you have children, don't fight with your ex-spouse over the children or gifts for the children. A big no-no is to avoid trying to "buy" your children's affection or happiness. If your ex-spouse is supposed to have the children on the actual day of the holiday, make sure the children are with them on time. Have your celebration with the children the day before or the day after. Don't fuss and feud over the children or where the spend their holidays. Divorce is hard on children too, focus on the time you do have with them and focus on the joy of being with them.

- Keep things as simple as possible this holiday season. Don't try to over-extend yourself or push yourself to have the "perfect" holiday or to "show" your ex-spouse that you are just fine without them. Try to keep your plans, decorating, meal preparations and anything else as simple as possible. Stress is the number one "joy-killer," and will ruin what would otherwise be a happy celebration. Focus on what your main joys are- family, friends, and the love you all share. If those things are remembered, then the joy of the holiday season comes back.

- Don't make yourself sick. I know this sounds like a "no-brainer," but getting overly stressed and worked up or staying unhappy will literally make you sick. Make sure you take care of yourself during the holiday season. Don't spread yourself too thin- make sure you get a proper amount of rest and good nutrition habits. Continue your exercise routine during the holiday season, and do things for yourself that will help you to relax and take a "breather."

- Be thankful for what you do have in your life. Thanksgiving especially, is all about thankfulness. Be thankful for loving family and friends, your health, a roof over your head, a new beginning, a steady job, etc- find things in your life to be thankful for, and make sure you express your gratitude for the joys in your life. They'll remind you that a divorce isn't really an ending, but a new beginning.

- Don't obsessively spend money or buy gifts in an attempt to try to make up for what is missing in your life. Some sadness during the holiday season is normal, and very much a part of the grieving process. Make sure you stick to a budget, don't buy things in an attempt to make yourself feel better or to get people to "switch loyalties." Grieve if you have to, then let it go and focus on the joy of the season.

- Volunteer and focus on other people. Focusing on others is a good way to get our minds off of the pain we may be feeling. Do a toy-drive for Toys for Tots or another local charity that gives gifts to families and children less fortunate. Volunteer at your local soup kitchen, shelter, or even hospital- help bring the joy of the season to others- this will do wonders for your mood and the joy will return to you. Time and love to other people is one of the best gifts in the world you can give someone, and yourself.

- Give yourself a gift. Even if you don't have a lot of money to spare, giving yourself a gift for the holiday season can go a long way towards helping you get into the holiday spirit. Pamper yourself with a new book, a new movie or CD, treatments at your local day-spa, a massage, etc. Take some time to focus on yourself too, and remind yourself that you have been through a lot, but that you'll make it through. Make yourself feel better, and know that you deserve something for you.

It's not easy dealing with the holidays after a recent divorce- but by focusing on the joys of family and friends, the reason for the season, and reminding ourselves that divorce isn't the end of the world or the end of our life- it can be fairly stress-free and joyful. Have patience with yourself- and even family and friends- and know that you're passing a major stepping-stone towards getting back to a happier you.

Family and friends are what the holidays are all about- the holiday spirit is a constant, even through the rough times- focus on that, and you'll make it through the holidays with as little pain and stress possible.